Miss to Mrs Forsaking identity?
How hard is it to take the plunge... Laila Nasry finds out
Sleeping Beauty and Snow White had it easy. Kissed by Prince Charming while in a state of blissful unawareness, they did not have to chew their nails and contemplate the magnitude of their transition from single status to responsible married life. Yes, we're talking here of what the jump from Miss to Mrs. entails-the change in name, status, endless wifely duties, coping with a mother-in-law, surviving on one's own...

Today's reality is nothing like the happily-ever-after endings you find in books (what a shame). A solitaire on the finger apart, an imminent marriage looming on the horizon is enough to give most brides-to-be the jitters. Call it nerves, cold feet...whatever, the transition from Miss to Mrs., they assure, is not a piece of cake.

"I really wanted to be married to him," says Kumari of her fiance, "but thoughts of the housework, in-laws (especially the types you get in Sri Lanka), has left this really nauseating feeling about marriage." Initially she was the one shy of commitment and in two minds as to whether to take the plunge. "I kept saying can't." However, after her boyfriend's reassurances and her parents coaxing, she has decided to go ahead, but says, "right now I don't want to think about it."

Ashani is busy planning a December wedding, her time spent between choosing a wedding saree and deciding on themes and colour schemes. 'Wedding' apart, mention 'marriage' and she says, "It's a scary thought. It is a whole load of other things to come. Suddenly, you have to become more responsible, and the fact that you are not going to be single any more, makes you feel less independent."

Planning the wedding and getting caught up in all its raptures side by side, with having to come to terms with one of the most dramatic changes in a woman's life can be both disorienting and pressurising.

"I'm so used to a single life I really don't know how I'll manage, " says Ashani who is nevertheless glad that she and her husband are going to be living on their own and not with either family. "Away from the m-i-l, as well as relatives, is reassuring." As much as she will enjoy the non-interference and greater freedom, she adds "But, there will be no one to fall back on. We will have to learn to depend on each other."

Living separately is Kumari's plan as well. "But the problem is I'm not perfect like my mother-in law, who's a superb cook and can sew and do all kinds of things. We are building our own house and she has been telling imperfect me 'ah, you must keep it clean', 'you can sew this type of cushions', which doesn't make things easy at all." Of course, Kumari intends to start classes in various homemaking specialities, but adds, "I have been planning for a long time but am still to get down to it, I'm so used to having things done for me."

Setting up home is certainly exciting. But living together day in day out is the actual test which has most brides-to-be worried.

Although Ashani firmly believes in 'sharing is caring' she feels, "I might get impatient at first having to share closets and toilets with my husband but I'll probably get used to it. Maybe I'll have a clearly demarcated section saying this is your side in the closet," she says as an afterthought.

"I just hope he doesn't snore," says Kumari who says she can handle anything but a snoring husband. "When I asked him he wasn't particularly helpful, saying that he really wouldn't know, since he's asleep!" Apart from that, Kumari says there are a few habits which really get on her nerves, "Like him not cutting his hair on time. But since it's nothing gross I am not all that particular."

In this process of never ending change, these brides-to-be are not too thrilled with taking on their husband's name, seeing it as a loss of identity. "I really don't see why a woman has to change her name. After all, from the time you are born you have it. It's a part of you," says Ashani who is planning to retain her maiden name.

I don't want to change my name because it's as good as giving up one's identity," adds Kumari who is fiercely independent. However, she already feels a change has come over her which she sees as succumbing to marital dependency even before marriage.

Previously I used to travel around on my own, pay for my own stuff, even when we used to go out, but now I need him to drop and pick me all the time and at times pay for me which worries me, because in the future I might become totally dependent on him." However, she says that though it all feels alien and a bit alarming to her, "It gives him a sense of security."

The stresses and strains of the wedding day, that all-important D-day itself can be quite a put-off. "It's not easy to organise something to everybody's satisfaction when there are so many people to please. Already my parents are in conflict with me saying I'm siding with my future in-laws when I disagree with them on a particular arrangement. Then my in-laws get offended if I appear reluctant to follow a certain custom they believe to be important. It's a curse I tell you...but I'm surviving," says Kumari, exasperated.

A perfect foil to the nervous bride is Romaine, determined to take things in her stride rather than worry about things that cannot be helped. Although not well versed in housewifely chores, Romaine is very optimistic. "I can't cook but I'm planning on buying a cookery book or two," she says with a laugh, quite matter-of-fact about the whole prospect.

Having got on perfectly with his family, not surprisingly she has decided to set up home close to them and as for living happily ever after, she rests on the assurance that the two of them are the perfect combination. "He's a neat person and even clears up my mess."

"Marriage for me is that I will be having fun every night," she says laughing. But more seriously she sees it as an honour to be taking on someone's name and becoming someone's wife. "I think I will still remain my independent self, with my views and opinions."

Although she concedes that the spoilt, nurtured side of her would be grumbling and rebelling against the housewifely duties she is about to take over, she says, "I guess I'd want to do it for the person I love." The effort or pressure as she sees it will come with her having to be the resourceful homemaker. "I will have to learn to manage the finances perfectly and learn to save and be careful."

However, like Ashani quite rightly states, "You can never be ready for marriage. You have to simply take one day at a time."(Next week: From Bachelor to Married Man)

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