5th Column

Many today don't know a no-ball from a wide
My Dear Hashan,
I thought I must write to you after hearing that you were appointed as our cricket captain. I hope you realise that next to the President and the Prime Minister you hold the next most important job in the country (No, Velu doesn't hold the third most important job because his post isn't official. Or else, he could be said to hold the most important job, really!).

Of course there will always be people who ask why you were appointed at a ripe old age but in this country it seems that politics and cricket are the only fields where no retirement age applies!

That is not to say that you didn't deserve the job. Perhaps you did, especially after the kind of comeback you staged after being discarded. That sort of return would give even people like Vasudeva some hope!

After all, we all remember how your cricketing obituary was written after you allegedly assaulted another celebrated cricketer and the incident made headlines. But of course, in today's cricket world especially when playing against countries like Australia that might be an added qualification!

But what worries me is that some people seem to think that you are a stopgap choice till someone else takes over. At least in politics, we have had stopgap choices-like Dearly Beloved and Ratnasiri- but they haven't fared that well. I hope you won't suffer the same fate.

Then, Hashan, in your job being just a good cricketer isn't enough. You need to be a good politician and diplomat as well. How else can you do your job with a more or less permanent 'interim' committee, selectors who are themselves fighting to be selected as selectors and young Johnston who doesn't know a no-ball from a wide controlling everything…

And of course you also have to contend with the Dark Horse still lurking in the shadows and pursuing the top job in the Board which he thinks is his birthright. And very soon you may even have cricketers staging strikes and walk-outs because they earn only half a million rupees a month!

And when that happens you can do what the government does and advise them to tighten their belts until the peace talks bear fruit or the war in Iraq comes to an end-whichever is later. And if they still find it difficult to make ends meet, they can always start a business importing cricket bats whenever they go on tour without paying taxes!

And the final trick is to leave while people ask you why you are leaving instead of waiting until people start asking why you aren't leaving. Now, that is a trick that you certainly can't learn from our politicians-and not from Captain Cool either!
So, we wish you a lot of luck. You will need every ounce of it and you can consider yourself a success if you last longer than either the Interim Board, the Selection Committee- or the Minister of Sports!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS-And you should know who to blame when things go wrong. The latest trend is to say that an "unknown third party" is responsible even when ships are sunk and people are abducted. Maybe you could say the third umpire was responsible!

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