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Happily ever after...
By Esther Williams
So you're getting married! You've probably heard enough and more about how to look sensational on your wedding day, how you should do your hair/makeup, what dress/shoes/flowers you should have. But surely, there's more to getting married than all these?

All the trappings and trimmings are merely superficial. Granted, they matter to a certain extent. But, marriage is not just about your wedding day. As Medical Director of The Family Planning Association of Sri Lanka (FPA), Dr. Sriani Basnayake says, "It is something that two people get together for, for the rest of their lives."

She believes that parents should prepare their children for married life and all that it entails. "In our culture it is taboo to talk about sexual aspects. Even among the well educated, many find the topic uncomfortable," says she, adding that a doctor or counsellor maybe in a better position to discuss this with a couple.

Behind closed doors
In her 30 years of work, Dr. Basnayake has come across problems that have arisen because people have not prepared themselves for marriage. Here are some of the issues that soon-to-be-weds should consider as the big day approaches:

Non-consummation of marriage: On an average, 50 couples approach the FPA each month with this problem, the period of non-consummation varying from one week to four years. Strangely, it is common among educated and career women. It is when they are heading for a divorce that they decide to seek professional advice.

One of the reasons is the false and inaccurate information provided to the to-be-weds by women colleagues in their place of work. They are told that intercourse would be extremely painful; they may bleed a lot and may need to go to hospital, etc. As a result some women don't let their husbands near them and develop a condition called 'Vaginismus' where the walls of the vagina tighten to prevent penetration. "It is not the case with rural women who accept it as part of nature," Dr. Basnayake says. This happens even in love marriages where the couple know each other. Sometimes the husband is considerate and patient. However there is a point when he can get tired of waiting. Counselling could help individuals know what to expect the first time, which is usually a little discomfort and a little bleeding.

Virginity: This is an issue that worries many newlyweds. Research indicates that all virgins do not necessarily bleed. 20-25% do not bleed due to structural variations in the hymen. "People have a misconception about who is a virgin. It is a girl who has not had sexual intercourse." The Sri Lankan definition however seems to be 'a girl who bleeds'. Pre-marital counselling for individuals or couples can dispel this myth.

Brides are usually in a state of physical exhaustion by the end of the day (as also are the grooms). Couples should remember that sexual intercourse does not have to happen on the first night. "With such pressure, some men develop some degree of impotency that upsets the couple and prevents them for enjoying sex." They have their whole life ahead of them, Dr. Basnayake says. "It is not an act that has to happen on day one but rather when they feel fresh and more relaxed."

When to have baby
Young couples need to discuss when and at what stage in their relationship they would like to have a baby. In the early days it was expected that a couple should have a baby within a year of tying the knot. Today there are many reasons why couples want to postpone having children: financial constraints, lack of space in the house, plans to build a house, work transfers, completion of studies, wanting to go abroad, etc.

Dr. Basnayake has come across couples who wanted an abortion soon after marriage, as they had failed to take any family planning measures. She urges parents to send children for family planning prior to the wedding.

If new brides want to postpone the first pregnancy, there are a few methods that are safe and effective. Young couples need to know these in advance. Brides should start taking the pill two months prior to the wedding. Seeking advice from a family doctor prior to the marriage would help them with the information they need.

In arranged marriages, learning to live with a stranger is hard enough without thinking of the adjustments one would have to make. It is important that the couple get to know each other well, before thinking of children. Hence, the first year should be a time when they can enjoy life - be carefree and do what they want, whenever they wish, and see new places which might be difficult once the children come. The first child should be eagerly looked forward to. "The bundle of joy should not become a bundle of sorrow," she warns. In Sri Lanka today, the average age for women to

get married is 26 and for men 29. There is a trend among educated women to postpone marriage until their 30s. For those in their 30s, it is not advisable to postpone pregnancy because a women's fertility declines from 35 onwards, making it difficult for her to conceive. The ideal time for child bearing is between 20 and 30.

Shared responsibility
Dr. Basnayake also spoke about the changing cultural values in our country. Both partners are breadwinners and it is important for men to share in housework and cooking. Men could consider taking their annual vacation to coincide with the arrival of a newborn. Many centres and churches offer counselling prior to marriages on sharing of responsibilities, budgeting, running a household, etc. Together with wedding plans, it is imperative that couples prepare themselves for marriage by seeking advice from their family physicians or counsellors.

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