5th Column

“Thaaththa,” Bindu Udagedera asked, “isn’t it time for the Olympics again?”
“Yes, it is,” Bindu’s father Percy said, “but I’m afraid we may not be winning any medals at these games as well.”
“And why is it that we have won only two silver medals from all the Olympics that we have participated in, thaaththa?” Bindu wondered.
“That is because they don’t have the sports that we excel in at the Olympics, Bindu,” Percy suggested.
“Why do you say that, thaaththa?” Bindu asked, “do you think cricket should be included as an Olympic sport?”
“Well,” Percy said, “do you think we can win a gold medal on the current form of our cricket team even if it was included as an Olympic sport?”
“Perhaps not,” Bindu conceded, “but then why are you saying that they don’t have the sports we are good at, at the Olympics?”
“Well, there are quite a few sports at which we could have won gold medals, if only they were staged at the Olympics,” Percy declared.
“And what sports are these, thaaththa?” Bindu was curious.
“Why, if they gave gold medals for holding the most number of elections, surely we will win a gold medal,” Percy pointed out.
“Ah, yes,” Bindu agreed, “just when one set of elections is completed, another set of elections is announced, even before you could say ‘methiwarana komasaaris’…”
“Then, of course the Greens will take the gold medal for losing the most number of elections without ever winning one,” Percy observed.
“And the Leader of the Greens must also be awarded a separate gold medal for being the longest serving Leader of the Opposition,” Bindu said.
“If that is so, his deputy must also get a gold medal for launching the most number of unsuccessful attempts to overthrow a Leader of the Opposition,” Percy argued.
“And of course, our two education ministers will certainly share the gold medal for conducting exams with the most number of blunders,” Bindu declared.
“Yes,” Percy said, “they will be hard to beat but that would mean our Police also deserve a gold medal.”
“And why is that, thaaththa?” Bindu asked.

“Why, they must get a gold medal for being the Police force that has the most number of wanted suspects who remain at large because they are never caught even though everyone knows where they are,” Percy said.
“And that reminds me,” Bindu said, “we might even win a gold medal for the biggest memory loss in history.”
“And we will surely win a gold medal for producing the minister who engaged in the most number of incidents of intimidation, without ever getting punished for them,” Percy observed.
“Yes,” Bindu agreed, “he will win that easily although he might have some competition these days from all these Pradeshiya Sabha members who seem to be following his example.”
“And how could we forget his colleague who will win a gold medal for throwing the most number of stones at a judge?” Percy asked.
“And we might also win the gold medal for breeding the highest number of dengue mosquitoes,” Bindu recalled.
“And we may also win a gold medal for buying the most amounts of contaminated petrol and diesel,” Percy remembered.
“And if we are lucky, we might also win a gold medal for the most number of times a country has introduced power cuts,” Bindu said.
“And our country should also win a gold medal as the country which had the most number of other countries interfering in its internal affairs and offering solutions to its problems,” Percy suggested.
“If all these people are to be given gold medals, thaaththa,” Bindu said, “it would be unfair not to give a gold medal to Mahinda maama as well,”
“Why is that, Bindu?” Percy inquired.
“Why, thaaththa,” Bindu said, “he should be given a gold medal for initiating the largest number of defections from an opposition party, without offering very much in return.”
“Then,” Percy said, “he deserves another gold medal for maintaining a Cabinet with the highest number of ministers without getting any work done by them.”
“I think he might be in line for another gold medal.” Bindu observed.
“And what medal would that be?” Percy wondered.
“Why, thaaththa, he might win a gold medal for the most number of times someone cancelled a scheduled speech in England ,”Bindu pointed out.
“But Bindu,” Percy said, “there is one gold medal that he won’t be able to win.”
“Which one is that, thaaththa?” Bindu wanted to know.
“Why, he can’t win the gold medal offered for being able to turn a man into a woman, which they say is the only thing he cannot do now,” Percy pointed out.
“I think he has already won that gold medal too, thaaththa,” Bindu said.
“How could that be?” Percy was surprised.
“Why else would SB keep on referring to him as ‘Janadhipathithumiyani’, then?” Bindu asked.
Percy didn’t quite know what to say to that.

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