5th Column

My Dear Mervyn,

I thought I must write to you to congratulate you because this week, you have championed the cause of justice and fair play like no other has ever done in this country before and freed an innocent young man from being punished for a crime that he never committed.

I am referring to young Malaka, of course. My heart bleeds for him. We thought he had got himself into a ‘major’ mess when he was accused of assaulting an Army officer and the media made such a hue and cry of it-and lo and behold, he had been innocent all along!

The ‘facts’ of the case seemed so obvious: there was an intelligence officer of the Sri Lanka Army, no less, complaining that he was assaulted by Malaka and his buddy and he said there was even video evidence to prove it-and we all thought Malaka was in big trouble.

Why, Mervyn, even you were taken aback, weren’t you? All you said was that young Malaka wouldn’t assault an officer in uniform, as if to suggest that if someone was not in uniform, then it was quite alright for Malaka to land a punch or two!
Then we heard the Police saying that Malaka was not arrested immediately because they were still ‘conducting investigations’ and that they couldn’t arrest “a person like Malaka” at the drop of a hat without having good reasons.
Your colleague Keheliya joined in to say that Malaka was not arrested at the Kelaniya temple because it was a sacred place. Of course, Keheliya didn’t say why he was not arrested when he left the temple, but then that kind of common sense is quite beyond him, I think.

Then we heard the disturbing news that your beloved son was finally arrested, so I guess the Police must have had good reason to do so. I was in fact hoping that Malaka would adopt one of the many defences adopted by various people in recent times.
Why, he could have cited the ‘Duminda defence’ and said that he couldn’t remember anything that happened and he could have been sent to Singapore to have his head examined, which, of course, would have been of benefit.

Or else, he could have tried the ‘Rishard defence’ and said that his brother did it although it would have been a bit difficult to convince a jury because he doesn’t have a brother, but he didn’t do that either.

And then, lo and behold, the next thing we hear is that the Army officer is saying that he was mistaken! Apparently, this battle hardened intelligence officer and war veteran was in ‘shock’ at the sight of Malaka which is why he complained about being assaulted.

I know many people are shocked by this turn of events, but I am not. In fact, knowing you Mervyn, I would have been surprised if this did not happen. After all, Mervyn, even though that is your name, maybe they should have called you Merlin, for you are truly a magician.

How can we forget how you assaulted someone at Rupavahini and, even though you were bathed in red paint, you got away scot free, based on the principle that you shouldn’t be punished again for the same offence. This doesn’t apply to us, but it was applied to you!

Then there was that time when you tied that Samurdhi officer to a tree. Now, everyone had pronounced you guilty even before they had heard all the evidence and finally, weren’t we all relieved to know that he was only ‘acting’ and admitted to consenting to be tied to the tree!

Rather than being shocked, Mervyn, I am glad we live in a country where everyone except Sarath Fonseka gets a fair trial and where everyone is presumed innocent till they are found guilty. If not for this, that innocent little boy of yours would be behind bars today!

We should also be proud that we have in our country a Police Force which is unaware that someone is a suspect, even when every newspaper headline says so. If they knew that, they would have arrested him and what an injustice that would have been.
We should also be lucky that we won the war while having in our Army officers who, after surviving decades of war and the trauma associated with it, are so ‘shocked’ by the sight of young Malaka that they are reduced to blithering idiots making false complaints to the Police!

We should also be thankful, Mervyn, that we have ministers like Keheliya who can justify almost any action or inaction and laugh it away, behaving as if the rest of the country were morons.

There are however, a few loose ends that you ought to tie up. The first is, if Malaka didn’t assault the major, who did? Now, I am sure the Samurdhi genes must be running in the family, so it would be safe to assume at this stage that the Army officer assaulted himself!

Then there is the video evidence. If that becomes public, it would be more sought after than that video which is causing outrage in the Muslim world, Mervyn. But even if it did, you could always say that Malaka and the Major were shooting an educational video for karate!

So, Mervyn, while I thank you for providing another episode of exciting entertainment for us, the only issue that shocks me is that there are still people who expected an ending to this story that is different from “Mervyn and Malaka lived happily ever after”.

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha

PS-I don’t think you are quite aware of it, but there is a saying known as ‘Murphy’s Law’ which says that if something can go wrong, it will. For you, though a different ‘Mervyn’s Law’ applies: “if something can go wrong, it won’t!”

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