5th Column

My Dear Malaka,

I didn’t think I would have to write to you so soon after writing to your distinguished father last week but I felt I must, especially since you are now almost a free man, with all those charges against you being withdrawn by those who made the ‘major’ accusations.

The reason why I want to write to you urgently was after hearing that your ambition was to become Sri Lanka’s next Minister of Education and that you propose to leave for the United States to study in preparation for that.

In these days of trouble and turmoil in the entire education sector, Malaka, there couldn’t have been better news for us! I know there may be those who would be aghast at the idea but then, I would argue that after Bandula and SB have performed the way they have done, even you would be an improvement!

Before leaving for the United States, Malaka, you should take note of all the problems with education in our country so that you could rectify them quickly when you return: problems in admitting children to schools, the ‘Z’ score fiasco, university lecturers demanding higher salaries and campuses being closed.

The more I think about these problems, Malaka, the more I feel that you have chosen correctly in wanting to become the country’s next Minister of Education rather than have one of our ‘regular’ ministers do the job-and I will tell you why.
To begin with, Malaka, we are very keen to say that we cherish the concept of ‘free’ education in this country and you are a walking advertisement for that. From what we can see, you have been ‘free’ of any education, and you are still able to get anything-vehicles, bodyguards, whatever-all for free!

As Minister of Education, Malaka, I am sure you would have no difficulty in ensuring that children are admitted to schools in the proper way, instead of their parents having to run around collecting evidence that they have been residing in a particular area for a long period of time.

All you would have to do-and I am sure you would do this well, since you are Mervyn’s son-is to have all the children parade before you performing a song or a dance. You can give them marks and select the ‘stars’ you want! After all, that would be similar to the most useful deed that your father ever did!

I am not sure whether you are aware Malaka-because you probably don’t read the newspapers anyway-but most of our campuses are closed most of the time because that chap SB orders them closed even if some undergrads hoot at him.
But with you as Minister of Education, there would never be the problem of universities being closed. All you would do is barge in, threaten everybody and open the universities by sheer force! At most, you may get bathed in red paint, but isn’t that a small price to pay for ‘free’ education?

Malaka, these days there is also a lot of agitation by university lecturers who are taking to the streets and staging protest marches demanding not only higher salaries but also asking that a certain percentage of government expenses be allocated for education!

Now, if you were Minister of Education, Malaka, I am sure that there would be none of this nonsense. All you would have to do is to summon one or two lecturers who make these demands and then tie them to a tree. That wouldn’t be a problem because, the next day, they will say they tied themselves to the tree!

And if they are still not happy and go on strike, I am sure you will deal with them appropriately. After all, universities are there only to award doctorates to people but some obtain doctorates without ever setting foot in a university-even to escape from the rain! -so who needs universities anyway?

Then there is all this drama about the ‘Z’ score. I am sure, as our new Minister of Education you would solve that problem too. Why, all you have to do is to ask these students to file a case in the courts of law- against you.

The next day, I am sure we will hear that the case against you has been dismissed and that all charges have been dropped. And, I am sure the students who filed the case against you will say they were in ‘shock’ when they took action against you.
Thereafter, they themselves will be charged with copying or cheating. That will then be the focus of attention and everyone will surely forget their original complaint and all of us can happily live ever after!

These are the reasons, Malaka, why we want to see you being appointed as Minister of Education. I am sure you have the ability to save Sri Lanka’s education from the mess that it is currently in and that is why we want you back in our country as soon as you finish your studies in the United States.

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha

PS-I know that most Sri Lankans are angry and annoyed with the United States for sponsoring that resolution against us at the United Nations a few months ago. But, Malaka, if you are going to be in the United States for a few years, I guess that would be sweet revenge-and we Sri Lankans can call it even!

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