5th Column
Playing a perfect double game
View(s):My Dear Mahela,
I thought of writing to you after watching the Boxing Day test match where you lost the five day game with Australia inside two and a half days. Since you have some more games to play in Australia, I think I may have a few tips and tricks that may be of help.
I know that you don’t have total control over all matters relating to cricket in this country and I am also aware that you have decided to hand over the captaincy to someone else at the end of this tour, but still I thought I must write to you because there are quite a few strategies that could be useful.
Mahela, what you may not have realized is that the first step is to demoralise the opposition. Even before a ball is bowled you must organise street protests against your opponents. They can be strategically located on the route your opponents take on the way to the venue of the game.
Then, also before a ball is bowled, you must organise a series of radio and television talk shows to cricitise and ridicule your opponents. That way, even before the game begins the general public begins to believe that you are not only superior to them, but ‘supreme’!
You have to be careful in what you say in these talk shows. Even if your opponents are stronger than you, it doesn’t matter. All you have to do is to find a few people who lie on your behalf and put them in front of the cameras. After a while, people will begin to believe that you are the stronger team.
You must also find someone who will make announcements on your behalf. It is better if it is someone in a position of authority who ‘speaks’ on behalf of others. Before the game you could get him to say, for example that whatever your opponents do, it would be “null and void”.
Just to make sure that everything works out well in the end you must also find one of those uncouth types. You can get one of them to hold a news conference just before the game and slander the umpires, the ones who are adjudicating the game.
If you can find another one of them, it would do no harm to get him to ask for an acting captain to be appointed to the opposing side while their captain is still fit enough to play. That may also contribute towards demoralising your opponents.
Then, Mahela, you must prepare for the game itself. I know that the game that you are playing is supposed to be a ‘gentleman’s game’ but that should not stop you from playing the game to win-and to win at any cost.
Then, when the game begins, you must try to play the game according to your own rules. For instance, you can tell them that whatever score your team makes, your opponents have to match that score within twenty four hours!
You can also tell your opponents that they are not entitled to summon others to support them. As you know, these are all unfair tactics and it may all look very ugly but what matters is not whether you play with a straight bat or not but that you win the game.
If you resort to these strategies, Mahela, what will happen then is that the opposing team is likely to withdraw from the game protesting about all these tactics. That is when you play the game just as you want it and declare that you are the winner.
You might think that this would be a strange game of cricket where all the laws are set aside but believe me, Mahela, there are stranger games being played in our country with far greater consequences-and although people are complaining about it, it doesn’t seem to really matter.
Of course, to do all this you have to have the backing of your team-and they should obey you no matter what. That shouldn’t be too difficult if you can offer them places in the team, even if they are not good enough-as long as they continue to support you.
This is my advice to you, Mahela. I know you are playing with opponents who are strong but these factors wouldn’t really matter if you follow the instructions I have given you-and I am sure you would then be able to get the desired results!
Yours truly
Punchi Putha
PS-Even if you are unable to adopt some of these tactics, there is another way to guarantee that you eventually win the game. That is to somehow ensure that the opposing captain plays for you. If you can make sure that your opposing captain is someone who is stubborn, listens to no one and is adamant in always believing that what he is doing is right even though it is apparent to everyone else that he is playing in to your hands, then you can always win. The trouble you would have is in finding an opposing captain like this-but we do have one here in Sri Lanka although I am not sure whether he will be keen to help you out-after all, he must be tired after riding gondolas in Venice while his team was fighting a losing battle here!
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