5th Column
Courting the Commonwealth with clever cons
View(s):My Dear Queen Elizabeth,
I thought I must write to you because some people in your government are trying to prevent our paradise island from hosting the next Commonwealth summit. I know that you don’t generally interfere in issues like this but as the Head of the Commonwealth, I think you really should.
I am sure you would remember the two previous visits to our lovely Paradise. The first was in the fifties when Sir John was calling the shots and you had just ascended the throne. The second was when the Old Fox hosted you in the early eighties.
I must say things have changed quite a bit since then and we have different people at the helm now. Since you seem to be visiting us once every thirty years, don’t you think it is time to come this way again?
Contrary to what people would have you believe, you will find that ours is a lovely country and we have quite a lot in common with your country as well. Why, we are both islands, we both play cricket and some would say that we even have a Royal family though the line of succession is not quite clear!
Now, Queen Elizabeth, you shouldn’t believe all those nasty stories that people say about us. We are not a banana republic where people are killed willy-nilly and there are no democratic freedoms. In fact, there is so much democracy here that it will make your Brits blush!
For example, we believe that no one should be above the law-not even the Chief Justice. Just recently, there was just an accusation of impropriety by a Chief Justice and she was shown the door, even though nothing was proved against her-that is how democratic we are!
As a result, we now have a Chief Justice who can do no harm. I am sure the new chap will keep on the straight and narrow because he knows exactly what is expected of him-and the consequences of not living up to the high standards we expect from the holder of that office.
Of course, Queen Elizabeth, we do have the occasional black sheep amongst our politicians as I am sure you do in your country. But, believe me, we have figured out ingenious ways of dealing with that as well.
For example, when some of our politicians are found to be offending repeatedly, we do not go through the usual procedure of asking the courts of law to deal with them because these legal battles can be long drawn out, expensive affairs that benefit no-one in the end.
So, what we do is we ask the politician’s party to quickly investigate and decide on the matter. After all, it is from the mother of all Parliaments in your country that we learnt that Parliament is supreme, so who can complain about a bunch of parliamentarians judging one of their own colleagues?
We also believe, Queen Elizabeth in the true spirit of democracy which is why we like to give everyone a chance in government. So, instead of having a handful of ministers like in your country, we have as many as we can-almost a hundred.
Of course, it means a few additional billion rupees every year, but isn’t that a small price to pay to ensure that democracy flourishes? And tell me, which country has a minister in charge of sugar, botanical gardens and coconuts? Isn’t that wonderful?
Now, Queen Elizabeth, you might also think that there is no law and order in our country because some people say so. In fact, it is quite the opposite and I can prove it to you with examples, if you wish.
Why, just the other day, a Buddhist monk was murdered. Now if something similar happened in your country, it would take weeks for Scotland Yard to find the suspects, then there would be a lengthy trial and several appeals before the higher courts before any kind of justice could be dispensed.
We are not that tardy. The very next day, the monk’s alleged killers were found executed. Now isn’t that the most efficient way of dealing with the issue rather than wasting millions of rupees of tax payers’ money by trying to have an expensive trial?
And don’t you think, Queen Elizabeth, that we are a country that discriminates against women. It may be true that a woman Chief Justice was sent packing but instead we now have a woman in charge of Power and Energy! And what’s more, our women even beat your country in cricket recently!
So, think about it, Queen Elizabeth. We do hope that you will visit us later this year, instead of waiting for the ruling clan here to bow out gracefully. Frankly, there is more of a chance of you visiting us again in thirty years than that becoming a reality!
Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS-Just in case you still have some doubts about our commitment to democracy, you should speak to our Leader of the Opposition. He loves his job so much that he is not even thinking about forming the next government. Surely, that is more than all the proof you need!
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