5th Column
A country of uncommon wealth and corruption
View(s):My Dear Prince Charles,
I thought I must write to you when I heard that you would be visiting our country for the Commonwealth summit in November this year instead of your mother, who we were told, does not undertake long journeys away from your country anymore. Firstly, the news must have come as a great relief for our fellows who run the show here, who were worried that none of your chaps-including your Prime Minister-would attend, because someone in Canada wants everyone to boycott the summit.
Then, some may even be quite relieved that you-and not your dear mother-are attending the summit. After all, you were here for our 50th anniversary of independence as well, when you still had a few black hairs on the royal scalp!
I am sure you have fond memories of that visit such as being kept waiting by our own then Queen Satellite. I must however assure you that no matter what inconveniences you may encounter, a lack of regard for punctuality won’t be among them.
I must also warn you, Charles, that we have made tremendous progress since you were last here and I thought it was my duty to enlighten you on some of these before you arrived here, so that you won’t be caught off guard.
In that intervening period, we have fought a war against the most ruthless terrorist group in the world and won. I do remember that when that war was nearing its end, your then Foreign Secretary visited us-along with his French counterpart- to ask us to call off the war.
We didn’t and they left in a huff. That is why we have peace in our country today. But that is also why, many people in your government are still annoyed with us and are calling for all kinds of ‘war crimes’ inquiries and trying to endanger the peace that we are now enjoying after thirty years of war.
After all, Charles, being a mature intellectual, you will appreciate that your country is hardly in a position to accuse us of war crimes and human rights abuses-after subjugating us for over a century, killing thousands during rebellions and pillaging our treasures which still lie in British Museums!
But we must let bygones be bygones, so I would like to inform you of other things that we have been doing since you were last here. We have changed our Head of State, managed to retain our Leader of the Opposition, sent the world’s best Army Commander to jail and sacked a Chief Justice.
Thinking of this, I just realised that people in your country have not been able to do any of this. That should tell you that we are no longer the submissive little colony that we once were-we are a country with our own innovative way of doing things.
Our achievements are not limited to politics and the military either; we have made significant scientific discoveries as well. Why, just recently, we developed a treatment method that completely cures people with serious brain injuries-and all they have to do is rest in hospital for a few months!
We have also built a new highway and a new international airport. Of course it is sheer co-incidence that they are both in the south of the country in one particular district but if you are lucky, Charles, they might even get you to land at that airport and take the scenic route to Colombo on that highway!
Now, if you do that, Charles, you may see huge cut outs of a larger than life figure along the way, smiling from ear to ear. Now that is a sign that we have learnt our lessons from your country and might even follow in its footsteps.
In case you are puzzled, Charles, what I am trying to say is that in the near future, we might have a Royal family like you do. Now, there will be some who will say that we already have one but don’t listen to them for they are just jealous people making disparaging comments.
While you are visiting, Charles, there are some matters that you should be careful about. For instance, you must make sure that you switch off all the lights before you get to bed. If you don’t, you may go beyond the 90 units of electricity limit and you might be asked to pay the bill before you leave.
Then, Charles, if you are in polite company, please ensure that you don’t anger your hosts. There are some phrases that you should avoid using and they include ‘impeachment’, ‘the 13th amendment’ and ‘northern provincial council elections’, so please keep these in mind.
We wish you a pleasant stay, Charles, but whatever you do, please don’t talk about why a certain community is being targeted by certain people who claim to be Buddhists. If you do that, you will be detained under the Prevention of Terrorism Act, even if you happen to be the next King of England!
Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS-I have suddenly realised that you might have a lot in common with our Leader of the Opposition because both of you have waited so long to become King but have not quite made it there yet. There is a difference though: I think you will get to the throne before he does!
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