5th Column
A fiery gunslinger finally bottled by a Dirty Dozen
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My Dear Malaka,
I am writing to you because I was extremely shocked to hear that you had been assaulted at a department store car park in broad daylight. I know that for many it would be just another assault, but I think there is more to it than just that.
I am relieved to hear that you escaped serious injury with only a few bruises to your pretty face but to me, this incident may be the first indication of a major change in the rule of law and order as we know it in this country and that is why I am so alarmed at what happened.
What I am really worried about is whether the good old days have come to an end. That was when you-together with Papa Mervyn of course-called the shots and took the law into your own hands, and everyone else simply obeyed you.
Remember, Malaka, how Papa Mervyn famously tied a government official to a tree because he was late to attend a meeting? Of course, we all know what really happened but then Papa Mervyn said that it was all a ‘performance’ to educate the public-and got away with it too!
Then there was the time when Papa Mervyn stormed into the office of a television station and threatened an official there. On that occasion, he got a taste of his own medicine and ended up bathed in red paint, but more importantly, he escaped without any other consequences for his actions!
And you, Malaka, have proved time and again that you are a chip off the old block and must have surely done your old man proud-until this week, that is. Who can forget your daring deeds at such a young age that captured the headlines ever so often?
Why, there was the time when you bashed up some officers who were conducting drug raids at a five star city hotel night club. There was a lot of hot air about the incident at that time, I remember, but all the charges against you were later dropped because of a rather convenient “lack of evidence”!
Then there was the time when you had a brawl with the brother of a Green parliamentarian. Again, there was a big hullabaloo about it but I guess the Police thought that ‘boys will be boys’ and let it go at that even though the Green parliamentarian cried foul.
But your masterpiece was when you assaulted an army officer near a city apartment complex not so long ago. We all thought you had bitten off more than you could chew in that incident but in the end, you came out with flying colours, in the process displaying what a fantastic legal system we have.
The best aspect of that saga was not you evading punishment of any sort but the Army officer being subjected to an inquiry about how he happened to be there at that particular time. I believe the matter was finally cleared up even though the officer had to face some penalties!
With such a list of commendable achievements to your credit, Malaka, it worries me deeply that you can be manhandled in this manner. Surely, this must be a signal that the entire system of law and order is collapsing in this country?
And that must be why Papa Mervyn responded in characteristic style saying that he would deal with your assailants by himself, if only he knew who they were. Already though there is some speculation that they too may be very influential people to challenge you on in this manner.
When Papa Mervyn was asked about how serious your injuries were, he was quite annoyed and said that you had been spirited away through the backdoor of the hospital, away from the glare of waiting journalists and camera crews.
I am not sure why that was done but I can only imagine that you lost a golden opportunity to get some publicity. If only Papa Mervyn had asked young Duminda for help he would have organised a mob of hired “supporters’ to light firecrackers and shout slogans as you left hospital!
We heard you say that this was an attempt to assassinate you, Malaka We know you are a very important person but I do not think you are considered important enough for people to want to assassinate you. Especially, with Papa Mervyn still around, they may have other priorities!
So, get well soon, Malaka. We know that Papa Mervyn is a great entertainer and is constantly in the limelight but I am sure he would be relieved to have you by his side because together, you are simply incomparable in reminding all of us of what politics in Sri Lanka is all about.
Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS-In the days to come I am sure people will ask you about this incident and want to know every little detail about it. I can suggest a few responses. You could take a leaf out of Papa Mervyn’s book and say that you assaulted yourself because it was all a ‘performance’ or you could be like Duminda and say ‘mata mathaka ne’. Or, better still, you could be like young Ramith and say that you were sleepwalking. I can guarantee you, Malaka, that in this country you can get away with almost anything with one of these answers!
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