5th Column
Welcome back Charles!
View(s):My Dear Prince Charles,
I thought of writing to you when I heard that you had confirmed your attendance at the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting, representing the Old Girl, your mum, who now finds it too tiring to undertake long journeys to far flung countries such as ours.
Of course we are very aware that you too are not exactly the picture of youth, now that you are also a grandfather. In fact, a little bird tells me that you will be celebrating your sixty fifth birthday in Sri Lanka, so by the time you leave our shores, you can be officially classed as a pensioner!
It is a pity that you haven’t even begun work as King even though you are nearing retirement age now but we are used to that. All our Presidents from our Green party were sixty five or older when they assumed office; those from the Blue party were younger and some would say the former were better!
Anyway, Charlie, I thought I should give you a few handy hints about what you should do and what you shouldn’t do, while you are in Sri Lanka. After all, it took a great deal of diplomacy and persuasion to get you here and we wouldn’t want to spoil the party for you.
Firstly, you should ignore anything the British High Commission in Colombo tells you. Those chaps are issuing a statement “expressing concern” and demanding an “independent inquiry” whenever there is something that causes a traffic jam. Forget them, Charlie, I’ll tell you all you need to know.
When you are packing your bags, get your staff to pack a few extra crates of drinking water. I know we are supposed to be the ‘Miracle of Asia’ but clean drinking water is in short supply, even a few kilometres away from Colombo. And you dare not ask for it, for you may get shot dead by the Army!
Then, do tell Camilla to make sure that she has packed some cartons of milk too. The New Zealanders are trying to convince us that the milk we import from them is good, but being the good hosts that we are, we can’t just believe what some Kiwis tells us and risk the health of the future King of England!
I am not sure where you will fly in to-it may be either the ‘Bandaranaike’ place at Katunayake or the ‘Rajapaksa’ place at Mattala. If it is the latter, do listen carefully when the flying crew gives you their advice on safety and evacuation-that place is now said to have more elephants than our Parliament!
Try and choose a good in-flight movie to watch while you are on your way here. They may want to show you a movie like a Channel Four documentary to convince you that our country is a dangerous place, but even if you see it, I hope you will realise that there is more fiction than fact in that.
On arrival you will realise that, contrary to international opinion, we are a fully functional democracy with a vibrant system of justice. So, even though most of our elected representatives are also accused of criminal activity, they carry on merrily because we believe they are innocent until proven guilty.
We are such a good democracy that we are very transparent in whatever we do: our parliamentarians are free to switch sides whenever they want to, our teachers are free to climb to the top of school buildings to protest and even our students are provided with leaked questions in competitive exams!
And if you want to see democracy really at work in our country, you can make inquiries about the next opposition protest at the Fort railway station. There is no risk of getting hurt as there will be more policemen than protestors, and they may welcome your presence just to make up the numbers!
Once you are here, you will need to know who the important people in our country are. Just as much you have Royalty in your country we do have people of a similar standing. Generally, it is easy to identify them-they wear a white coloured dress with a purple sash worn around their necks.
Apart from our ‘Royal family’, there are others you must respect at all times-including those calling themselves the ‘Bodu Bala Sena’. Don’t get in to their bad books, because they are capable of even destroying Buckingham Palace-and when they go about their work, the Police too look the other way!
I know, Charlie, many people tried to discourage you from visiting us but I am sure you will have a good time while you are here. Really, this ‘CHOGM’ business means nothing to us, but then to those who matter, it is a time to smile for the cameras and tell the world that they are important, after all!
Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS-When you are here, you simply must meet the Green Man. I know you have been waiting to be King for so long and haven’t got there yet. You are probably wondering whether you will ever get there as well. So, if you want good advice on how to keep a straight face while waiting to become the Head of State without ever being in a hurry-he’s your man. And frankly, now we are beginning to think that even you will get there before him!
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