5th Column
From the Mayor to Mervyn: The toy gun trick
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My Dear Lord Mayor of Hambantota,
I thought I must write to you, though I hadn’t even heard of your existence before. Pardon my ignorance, I didn’t even realise that Hambantota was one of those cities which had mayors but in this day and age, I should have known better because these days Hambantota has not only a mayor but everything else too!
I am writing to you, Your Worship, because I heard you had scared away some Green MPs with a toy pistol — and everyone else was blaming you and trying to create an ‘international incident’ out of it. As far as I could see what was international about it was that it happened near the Mattala international airport!
Anyway, Lord Mayor, I heaved a loud sigh of relief when I heard of this little incident. That was because the Blues had at long last found a suitable replacement for my friend, Mervyn. I think they were grooming young Duminda for the job, but he botched his first assignment, so finding you must be a great relief.
I think what happened last week proves that you have what it takes to replace Mervyn. They must have been looking for a replacement too because the man has reached his biblical life span and has now booked a resting place at Kanatte next to where Jothipala lies, so the Blues cannot rely on him for much longer.
But seeing you suddenly rushing, pistol in hand, to rescue the image of the Blues and you-know-who from some Green MPs who had thought it fit to trespass on the scared soil of Hambantota, warmed my heart. It was as good a feeling as knowing that Kusal Janith could replace Sanath at the top of the batting order!
What I liked best was your technique: you deceived everyone with that pistol. Everyone thought it was real and the Green MPs must have had the fright of their life, knowing very well what people like Duminda could do. Now, I think they will stick to the safe tactic of dashing coconuts near the Fort railway station!
Then you let out another red-herring: you said you only went there because young Namal asked you to. Everyone latched on to that too, trying to blame him without realising that Namal has better things to do other than to direct traffic towards the Mattala airport, so that at least visitors see the place, if not aircraft.
It was when he said that he had nothing to do with your presence there that you unveiled your great trick — revealing that your weapon was indeed a toy pistol. Surely, you could argue in a court of law that the Green MPs should have at least checked the pistol before getting scared, running away and then crying foul!
Now everyone is trying to make a big deal, all about a toy pistol. The General is saying that we should get the United Nations to intervene here and the Greens are complaining to the Speaker — all because of your toy pistol! Surely they should know better, shouldn’t they?
I know some people want you charged and punished and others want you to resign but I don’t think you need to worry about that, Lord Mayor. The guardian deities will protect you, just like they have always protected Mervyn, Duminda, Rishard, that chap from Tangalle…ah, the list is a long one, isn’t it?
In fact, I think you may even get a ‘promotion’, with all these protests against casinos taking place. Now that we know it doesn’t take much to scare those in the opposition, maybe you should concentrate on those in the government who say they will oppose casinos, no matter what.
That wouldn’t be too difficult either, because even those who talk big about being principled on these issues like Wimal and Rauff do not have the courage to vote against these laws, let alone resign from their portfolios — all they can do is stay away from Parliament at voting time so they could say they ‘abstained’.
Maybe you could even patent your trick, Lord Mayor. Just imagine the amount of money you could save for the country if we issued our police officers with toy pistols — without informing the public of course. We can issue more of them because they are not expensive and maybe it will stop all those bank robberies!
So, my dear Lord Mayor, I have to thank you for Your Worship’s timely intervention at Hambantota the other day. You have just shown the nation how an extremely low cost intervention can save an extremely high cost airport. I’m sure you will be a great inspiration for generations of politicians to come!
Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: I would suggest that you keep your skills and talents up to standard by regularly testing them against the best available rabble rousers in the business. How about trying out your tactics the next time the Bodu Bala Sena decides to ‘storm’ a hotel or a ministry? Now, wouldn’t that be a delightful battle to watch?