Experience is the best teacher
View(s):I expected this to be just another book on the subject of `Surviving a marriage’. However, as I began to read, I found it extremely difficult to lay it aside. The writing is simple and the contents it goes without saying that “experience is the best teacher!” The book presents a comprehensive study and analysis of the different aspects of marriage, the inevitable problems and how to deal with such situations. The chapters, `The celebration of life and marriage, and going on to subjects like `It takes two to tango’, `Being best friends’, `Never Argue’, `Respect for each other’ etc., cover a wide area of living a happy married life.
The personal reflection and discussions between the two partners given at the end of each chapter is a wonderful guide, not only to prospective marriage partners, but more especially to those who are married and seek enrichment in their marriages.
The chapter on `The Problem with Religion’ is an eye-opener, especially the questions for personal reflection given at the end of it. The chapter on “Sex and Marriage in a Land like No Other” offers a very realistic view of the problems in our culture.
The chapter on “Zero Expectations” is an eye opener. The suggestions given at the end of the chapter are critical for the premarital stage and something that all parents should consider before making a decision to end a marriage due to sexual incompatibility or discord.
As the writer clearly indicates in his introduction, the Western cultural invasion in Asia has indeed been an influence on couples of different cultures. The collection of case studies given in the final chapter highlights this fact.
The story of Deshika is a common one in Sri Lanka where many women suffer silently, wanting to be loved. The traumatic experiences she has undergone through loss of love and even abuse, is the very reason she refuses to recognise the possibility of finding fulfilment in her second marriage. She is afraid to trust her new husband and finds comfort in trying to help others instead of looking into her own situation. She therefore misses out not only on the chance of finding happiness in her marriage, but ends up neglecting her own family.
Again in the story of George and Clara from the USA, it is not unusual to see people immersed in religion, not so much out of faith, but simply as a means of finding comfort, when they do not find it in their own marriage.
The chapter on “Lessons from the World of Business” addresses core issues in the selection of a spouse or life partner. The author has recognised the impact of stress at work, on marriage, family and work performance. The work performance of the employee, who is pressurized and depressed in his work, drops drastically. Meanwhile he comes home to face further challenges such as financial difficulties, lack of time for recreation, socialising and is unable to spend quality time with his spouse and children. All this affects not only his work performance in his career, but also his family relationships.
The author, having recognised the danger of this situation has clearly addressed the Management Gurus with respect to this problem, in this chapter.
This concise but comprehensive book is well written in a very simple form. I would definitely recommend it to parents, married couples, those intending to be married, organisational heads and managers, doctors, counsellors and in fact almost every individual. It would be a valuable handbook. I would also recommend couples to regularly assess their relationship with the aid of the personal reflection and discussion topics given at the end of each chapter.
I was very impressed by the following reviews and comments on the book. “This book will help bring harmony within one’s home benefiting both parents and children. I recommend this book to all persons starting a family and even the veterans who have weathered some storms” commented Dr. Mahesan Ganesan, MD, professor and psychiatrist.
“A wonderful and thought provoking book for any couple that wants to improve their relationship” wrote Dr. Usha Gunawardana MD, DPM (UK), Professor and Psychiatrist
“The book is marvellous. I recommend it to any married couple and those planning on getting married. The chapter on zero expectations is something that has never been addressed in any self-help book that I have read. I have been married to the same man for 41 years and still learned a lot,” commented Mrs. Asha Wijeyekoon, mother, wife and grandmother, Sri Lanka/Singapore.
I consider this book a great achievement on his part, and a gift to society as a whole. A Sinhala edition has been completed by Sarasavi Publishers and will be available in November this year. It is a ‘must read’ for anyone thinking of entering into a marriage relationship and those who are married and want to make the marriage all it can be.
( The reviewer is a Counsellor at Family Services, Colombo)
| Book facts
How to make a marriage, family and relationship last- A guide for intended and married couples” – with questions for reflection and discussion between partners by Gerard D. Muttukumaru |