Eye say, this is the limit!
View(s):Well, dears, ‘Nomination Day’ has come and gone… with a few surprises, and not a little “name-calling”! And, you can bet your sweet X-over that more ‘nominations’ (i.e. “naming of names”) will ensue before the ‘month’ between December 8 and January 8 is dusted and done with… Or, do I mean done for?
Sitting on the electoral sidelines as we are, I wonder if you and I feel that the media has been paying too much attention to political cowboys, lately? No? We thought not! You’re too engrossed in all the political chicanery, aren’t you – lassoing, corralling, and milking the buffalos at home and on the range! And the newsmakers, for their part, are too busy, dear, making mountains out of molehills, or moles. Or, as some wit with a flair for words said, “Making heroes out of zeros…”
Have you noticed, my dear titillated voyeurs of the national mise en scène, how virtually Everyone who is Anyone – or thinks they are Someone – seems to be getting in on the act? Thugs, two-bit politicos from the outer darkness, triumphant kingmakers, treacherous ship-deserting rat-bags, the good, the bad, and the ugly, are all – to some degree or another – involved in the maelstrom. There’s deal-making, deal-breaking, deal-denying; crossing over and rumours of eventual crossing over – if and when; stay-puttery; nothing-buttery; and flattery of fools: which though they be men of wit, our wise and wizened leaders will not be able to refuse to condescend to take a bit!
And, of course, the ever-echoing litany and liturgy of name-calling and creative descriptions of job profiles, dire threats to the nation, and dastardly plots to explode our sanity, stability, etc. “Traitor! Deserter! International conspirator! Executive presidency abolitionist!” (yeah… right!)
Which makes me think, with all this mud throwing, why not we the honest and humble citizen for whose benefit this show is being put on, get in on the act? We can do our part… At least in the name-calling bit!
Of course, with the Real National Interest in mind, and genuinely concerned about the State of the Nation, we can up the ante a bit. Let’s institute awards for This, That, and the Other, in recognition of our Political Culture. Which, by the way, is simply multiplying like blisters in a particularly virulent rash! And the non-entities who are supposedly recognised… they’re common at this time of the political year – the virulent rashes, we mean, not the blisters… er, blighters… uh, the non-entities.
Iconic Nominations
Hasn’t it struck you, dears, how odd it is that it is usually the most powerful people in the land who are voted (is that how they do it?) as the ones Most Likely To Grow Up And Become National Icons? Now, forgive me for being pedantic, but my Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘icon’ as, inter alia: “A person or thing regarded as a representative symbol, or as worthy of veneration.” I mean to say – when these generous bestowers go about dispensing their Iconic Status, thus, do they expect us to venerate ’em? We’ve heard of Sacred Cows, dear, but isn’t that taking the joke too far?
By the way, ‘iconic’ refers to a Greek statue depicted in a victorious athletic style. While not many of our political Movers and Shakers would quite qualify as being “athletic”, their recent doings (long jump, short jump, pole vault) would put the Grecian discoboli in the shade! They are hardly iconic, either, but this would be all Greek to them anyway…
So here’s what we propose to do instead, dear. We’re instituting some ‘eye-conic’ awards of our own: Nominational, Name-Calling, etc. And the field is going to be open to elected, appointed, and shadow ‘leaders’ (politikkas and their respective parties – although, with all due respect, who knows which parties these respectful worthies represent any longer?)!
First, we would like to introduce the ‘National Eyewash Award’. This is for the person, organization, or group of people who have made the least meaningful contribution to the nation in the year under review. At the moment there’s a close contest between the You Pee Effay and You En Pee.
Second, we plan to have a ‘National Eyesore Award’. This, as its name implies, is for the establishment, entity, or landmark that makes the least aesthetically pleasing contribution to nature, its environs, our ecosphere, or your habitat. Some unkind soul has suggested that we keep the competition open for (ahem!) personages, as well… Well, if the saffron-tinged Jay Etch You’s erstwhile militant wings are in the running, no contest, no? On the other hand, all those lovely (we use the word loosely) “election promotion material” of You Know Who… hmm…
Third, we will have the purely self-indulgent ‘National Eyeful Award’. (Who says organizers of national awards aren’t allowed to have a vested interest?) This, you may have guessed, is for the person or personage who has received the most focused media attention and exposure – not because she or he is worthy of it, but simply because they look and/or sound good! The Jay Vee Pee’s new leader sounds pretty solid these days… and the Lady who crossed over once only to cross back again makes her fans go liquid – so these two at least, Beauty and the Beastly Party Guy, are necking (I mean, neck and neck…).
Fourth, there’s the ‘National Eye-Q Award’, for the political leaders with the highest Innovation Quotient. For example, bright ideas like abolishing the Executive Presidency – again – for the third term… sorry, third time… and other bovine excrescences such as doing it in 100 days, 180 days, next year, now or never, not ever, etc.
Last but not least, the ‘National Eyestrain Award’. This should go to those who have to look and see and grin and bear it all. So no two guesses! You and I, dears! Those of us who have to gaze on those unlovely, untrue, uninteresting cutouts, banners, posters, ad infinitum, ad nauseam, in city and town and country and village! We win it hands down, as you are my eyewitness!