5th Column

My Dear Santa Claus,
I thought I must write to you as you would be preparing your Christmas gifts these days and there are many people in our Paradise who are in need of gifts — and quite a few of them who don’t deserve any gifts as well. It might make your task a little bit easier if you knew what the best gift to give someone was.

The man who most deserves a gift these days is our Budget Boy who is being hammered left, right and centre with his budget now having more amendments than our Constitution with even his own boss amending the budget a dozen times. Please, Santa, could you give him a chance to present a new budget?

Alternatively, you could of course give him the gift of a different ministry but I think he will prefer to hold on to his present job even though half of the institutions previously under him have been given to Kabir. That may be because he can be in the limelight and also give jobs to a few more brothers in law!

Talking about the budget, this so-called ‘joint opposition’ which is really Mahinda maama’s group in the Blue camp doesn’t need any more gifts. They have been given enough issues to talk about for a whole year in the Budget and I think that is what they will do for the next year, so no more gifts for them, please.

Some of them, though they appear to be still with Mahinda maama, could do with the gift of a cabinet portfolio. Maithri has already played Santa Claus and dished out cabinet ministries to about eight dozen MPs by now, so what is the harm in adding a few more to strengthen the hands of ‘yahapaalanaya’?

But Santa, you shouldn’t give any gifts at all to those who sneaked in to Parliament through the back door — which is also called the National List — after losing at the elections because Maithri wanted them in, so he could isolate Mahinda maama. So, please don’t go giving gifts to every Banda, Pala or Zoysa!

As for Mahinda maama himself, I would have thought the best gift would be retirement but he doesn’t seem to be interested in that. For the moment, he could do with a little ‘leave of absence’ from having to present himself at one commission or another, day after day, having to explain his deeds and misdeeds.

Santa, I think our other defeated presidential candidate, SF, also deserves a gift. I know he has already got the gift of being appointed a Field Marshall but ever since he was called a ‘vel vidaaney’ the best gift he would like is Wije’s resignation. Failing that, you could offer him a visa to the US as a consolation prize!

As for Wije himself, he is one of those who doesn’t deserve any more gifts, Santa. In addition to touring Disneyland, he gets to keep his ministerial job while poor old Tilak had to forego his for defending the same people in the same place. So, he has already got his gift and he shouldn’t be getting more than that.

While we are still on matters related to Justice, how about giving our law enforcement agencies the gift of evidence that seems to have suddenly gone missing like CCTV footage and missing body parts that will help us to learn the truth about the deaths of important people, instead of keeping all of us in suspense?

Maybe you should also give the doctors’ trade union the gift of running the country for a few weeks, because they are behaving as if they already have the right to do so, telling us who should get medical degrees and who shouldn’t and saying we should give them car permits instead of building hospitals!

Santa, you mustn’t forget the Green Man who definitely deserves a gift. It is funny how he finds himself handicapped by something or another every time he gets the PM’s job and this time he has had to cope not only with the Greens but also with Blues. That he kept his job until now itself deserves a prize!

Santa, If you are wondering why I haven’t asked for a gift for Maithri, I don’t think he needs one. He got his job promising to get rid of the ‘system’. Not only is the ‘system; still there, so is he and so are MR’s cronies. You can think of a gift for him next year, Santa, if he gets rid of them and keeps his promises.

As for the rest of us in Paradise, we need to be careful about what we wish for. At the beginning of the year the majority in Paradise wished for ‘yahapaalanaya’. But the ‘haya paalanaya’ that we have got since then has got most of us worried, so much so that we are no longer sure what to ask for!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: After distributing all your gifts, Santa, you are keeping the most sought after gift under wraps, aren’t you, without revealing who it will go to? Yes, I am referring to the big job at the Cricket Board but to be honest, I don’t really care because, after seeing both of them in action in recent months, I dont’ think there is much of a difference between the Dark Horse and Captain Cool!