5th Column

My dear Maithri,
I thought I must write to you not only to wish you all the very best for the New Year but also because I heard that you had been very annoyed by what happened at a musical show where that chap, Enrique what’s his-name had performed. I wanted to congratulate you on your brave stance on this crucial issue.

I know you have your own way of doing things, Maithri. For example, your brand of good governance includes bringing defeated candidates back to Parliament through the National List. Similarly, if your idea was to gain some publicity for our little Paradise at no cost at all, it has worked really well.

After you said that the organisers of this musical show should be whipped with a madu waligey, the world has sat up and taken notice. A few weeks ago, we wouldn’t have imagined that Maithri and Enrique could be mentioned in the same sentence but now, all that has changed.

How else could you, Maithri, get in to the pages of prestigious publications such as The London Times and TIME magazine? Now however, people who wouldn’t know where Sri Lanka is on the world map are talking about us and what you would like to do with the madu waligey. So, Maithri, that was brilliant.

Now, it is not as if you don’t know a thing or two about performing on stage, do you? Recently we saw you singing a duet with Master Amaradeva when he celebrated his birthday. You did quite a good job of it too but no one threw anything at you, so why should they do so for this Enrique what’s-his-name?

Maithri, I don’t think you should worry about people who criticise you for this. As our leader it is your duty to address the burning issues that our country is faced with and right now, I cannot think of a more important issue. After all, instead of talking about Ravi’s budget, people are now discussing Enrique!

I agree with you entirely about trying to protect our cultural values by preventing this kind of thing from happening again. So, let me tell you what you should do next: you should ban people from visiting Sigiriya as well. After all, what happened with Enrique and what we see at Sigiriya are kind of similar, isn’t it?

I am certain that you were angry also because you would have been concerned about the negative impact this would have on our garment industry as well. If the garments we produce are of such good quality, why would people go about throwing them at every Enrique who turns up here to sing a few songs?

Maithri, only a person blessed with a brilliant mind such as yours will come up with this idea of the madu waligey. I think we had forgotten what it was and what it could be used for until you happened to mention it last week which made the entire world take notice. Now, I could suggest a few other uses for it too.

If people can be whipped with a madu waligey for organising concerts such as this, Maithri, people whose bodyguards go about kidnapping other people would qualify for a whipping too. It would save us having to listen to various farfetched explanations about not knowing who did what with your black Defender!

I suppose you could also save a fortune by unleashing the madu waligey on all these trade unions whose idea of democracy is to stage a strike and try to get a salary increase or a car permit. I am sure the madu waligey would be far less expensive than using the Police to hurl water cannon and tear gas at them.

The organisers of the concert should certainly be whipped not only because of what happened but also because the show was poorly organised, despite the exorbitant ticket prices. That is not surprising because the organisers are two ‘great’ sportsmen who once preferred IPL money over playing for their country!

And talking of cricketers, I think our cricket team currently in New Zealand also deserves the madu waligey treatment, the way they are performing there, not to mention other cricketers who have been accused of using banned substances. So, there will be plenty of uses for the madu waligey!

I am almost certain you have already used the madu waligey on your son-in-law who attended the concert, because you practise what you preach and I am sure you had our country’s best interests at heart. Besides, what more can we ask for than a leader who truly keeps abreast of what is happening in Paradise?

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: We heard you also say that you only promised not to contest any more presidential elections — which means you could contest the next general election, running for Prime Minister. Now, here’s a thought: if you are looking for a symbol and if the hansaya is not available, you could always use the item of clothing that was thrown at Enrique as a symbol — I am sure you will get more ladies voting for you!