In praise of the humble Malu paan
Illustration by N. Senthilkumaran
On a recent, long and boring flight, idly browsing through the in-flight magazine I came across an article about Sri Lankan cuisine. Boring, so I thought, ‘till I spotted a picture of a golden and delicious Malu Paan. The years then rolled back to the 1960s when I was still in school: It was then called Muss Paan and we were forbidden to eat it as it was then sold in rather unsavoury bakeries with dark-sweaty and bare-bodied-sneezing’n’coughing bakers in dirty sarongs and they, the bakers, generally made them out of leftovers. We ignored parental policing, tasted the stuff and got hooked!
For the benefit of the Ignoramii: These typically Sri Lankan filled rolls are triangular shaped buns incorporating a spicy filling of fish, mashed potatoes, chopped onions all spiced up with the usual Sri Lankan spices. It is not a filled roll but a stuffed roll.
Going back to the 1960s and to Kalutara, where I lived at that time; one day a new and hygienic-looking bakery opened opposite the central bus stand. The waiters were not sweaty and not bare-bodied, which was a start. It was called the Salgado Bakery and they served the best Malu Paan ever. We schoolboys pooled our resources and tucked into these lovelies. The bakery is still there and, yes, they still make the stuff!
Mc Malu paan Corporation
In later years and living in GB, with a strong sense of nostalgia about and with inbred loyalty to the Old Republic, I decided to start a new enterprise: that of promoting Malu Paan. I set up a web-page, called my company the Mc Malu Paan Corporation and promoted crazy ideas. Triangular soft rolls, sliced in half horizontally like McDonalds, were to be layered with the Mc Malu Paan “burger” of fish, potatoes, etc, lightly heated and served with some local fizzy drink like Portello. Cheese could be added making it a Mc Malu Paan tm with Cheese and instead of the usual French fries offer banana chips or even Del fries and so on. All that I needed were young men and smart girls in backward facing caps who could say “Can I help you, Sir?!”
Unfortunately, the nasty, humour-less Johnnies at the big brother McDonalds Corp wrote to me saying that I was infringing their rights. I pointed out that my product was far superior but then a New York lawyer sent me a letter….
Fish Bun Ekak!
On a recent visit to The Old Republic everything was not OK for Malu paan. There still were the usual unhygienic-no-frills-joints. These were in The Pettah and in and around Colombo Fort Railway Station, as usual. Then there were the “posh”-sounding places for the Nouveau Riche, mostly food marts in supermarkets. In the latter places this item was now labelled as “Fish Buns”!
Fish Buns! Can you believe that? Little but grossly obese kids were throwing tantrums and screaming “Mummy! I want a fish bun!I want a fish bun! I want a fish bun” whereas marginally better behaved-and-less-obese kids were saying “Ammi, I want a Fish Bun ekak!” rather submissively.
To me this new nomenclature was a travesty as Malu paan can only be called that and nothing else.Things got to a head when I nearly smacked the head of the Head of the Bakery Section of a well-known supermarket who called it a Fish Bun in my presence. I longed for the 1960s and the Salgado Bakery!
Protected Status
Malu paan needs regional identity protection. Never heard of it? I said Regional Identity Protection. For example: Champagne can only come from the Champagne region of France and Scotch whiskey can only come from Scotland. Parma ham, Camembert and other sort of exotic stuff can only come from a particular region or country. Even the uninspiring and stodgy “Cornish Pasty” can only come from…
Think of Ceylon Tea, which has a sort of semi-protected status and can only come from Ceylon. Yes, I know we foolishly changed the name of the country but Ceylon Tea can only come from the former Ceylon! And we still call it Ceylon Tea. So there!
My mission now is to protect our Malu paan. We do not want our big-headed-and-nasty-neighbour India, mass-producing Malu paan and claiming it was their idea in the first place, nor do we want the Chinese on it. On my part, I have started a campaign of sorts going. I have sent off several missives to the Ministry of Culture and to the President himself. “Malu paan is Malu paan and it is our Heritage” is my campaign slogan. I am in the process of producing large Malu paan “Cut Outs” sort of pandals to spoil the landscape with.You know the sort of pandals that proliferate just before elections? With large images of oily politicians? I propose to have a large image of myself eating a large Malu paan on mine!
There will also be a low-level poster campaign on all available spaces like bridges and embankments, and of course posted illegally. This is normal in Sri Lanka. We will stick Malu paan stickers on all buses forcibly…and on trains. We might even spray paint our logo on the houses of dissidents who refer to this Holy Grail as Fish Buns!
We will fight them in the Bakeries!
If any one were to infringe our rights, we will fight them in the bakeries, we will fight them in the restaurants and we will fight them on the beaches! So there.
I might even contest the next Presidential Election on the Malu paan ticket. My party will be called the Movement for Unified National Cuisine Heritage (MUNCH).