5th Column

My dear Thonda,
I wanted to write to you because you are in the news once again after a long period of silence when we didn’t even know whether you were in Parliament or not. Now we are told that you will soon join Maithri and surprise, surprise, will be sworn in as a Minister. So, congratulations are in order.

It is not that I am surprised by all this. There were people who shouted themselves hoarse at Mahinda maama’s election rallies – like Dayasiri of ‘hutan’ fame – telling us how bad a leader Maithri would be. Now, they are obedient ministers in Maithri’s cabinet. Ah, what a wonderful democracy we have!

Another reason not to be surprised is what you have done in the past. Ten years ago, you ran for election on the Green ticket and entered Parliament because of Green votes. A few years later when Mahinda maama dangled the carrot of a cabinet ministry, you joined him without batting an eyelid.

Blood is thicker than water too. Your grandfather Saumyamoorthy first became a minister during JR’s era. He was smart enough to sometimes even bother the Old Fox, organising estate workers’ strikes while being a Minister in JR’s Cabinet. Whatever his faults, we thought he was loyal to the Greens.

But when the Greens’ rule ended after seventeen years and Satellite took charge, lo and behold, your grandfather quickly changed his tune and became a Minister in Satellite’s cabinet. He remained with the Blues until his demise. So, you are nothing but a chip off the old block, aren’t you, Thonda?

We don’t blame you, Thonda. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It is not as if the ‘yahapaalanaya’ we had been promised is squeaky clean. Half of the same rogues who were with Mahinda maama are now with Maithri and your joining them won’t make it any better or worse.

Besides, after being a minister all those years and getting used to a convoy of vehicles and dozens of bodyguards surrounding you, you must be surely missing all that power and glamour. So, why on earth should we expect you to say no, if you can get all those perks by joining Maithri now?

It is not as if you will be a burden to the people. The last time I counted, we had some ninety four ministers of all shapes, sizes and titles – although that might have changed by the time you read this. We would hardly notice if Maithri adds one more – and besides it will give us a nice, round number!

You will not be endangering you political career either. If times change and Mahinda maama somehow makes a comeback that seems improbable right now, all you need to do is say that you will ‘strengthen his hands’ and hey presto, you could still continue as a Minister, vehicles and all.

I heard that those who supported Maithri in the plantations when you were opposing him are upset that you are joining him now. They feel that because you have a higher profile than they do, you can upstage them but I am sure Maithri would find a way to retain them – he is becoming good at that now.

Also, I don’t think you have to worry about what the Green Man thinks about you joining Maithri as a Blue instead of a Green. Whether you are blue or green does not really matter now because they are all in this mess together. As long as you help to make up the numbers you will be most welcome.

If you have any difficulties in crossing over, you should know that help is readily at hand because Rauf is only a telephone call away. We had thought that it was your grandfather who perfected the art of always being a Minister but Rauf is now the master at this game and he can tell you what to do.

Best of luck, Thonda. You are one of those very fortunate people who will be in office as a minister forever regardless of whether the people want you there are not. Even if you have done virtually nothing for your community, if the big bosses still want you in the Cabinet, who are you to complain?

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: These days there is a lot of hue and cry about how the government could not afford a scanning machine for the Cancer Hospital and is yet buying dozens of super luxury vehicles for its Ministers, each of which costs about the same as a scanning machine. That would mean that if each and every minister gave up their luxury vehicle, we would now be having ninety four scanning machines. That would be too much to manage, don’t you think? And that is probably why they wanted the public to find funds for just one machine for the hospital, so I can’t understand what all this fuss is about!