The ‘secret’ expectation of a Sri Lankan woman’s success
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About ten years ago, I was at a reunion of former schoolmates, friends and contemporaries. It was positively delightful to catch up on what everyone had been up to: to celebrate their successes and achievements; empathise with their occasional disappointments and be moved to laughter and amusement several times over hearing varied and wonderful recollections of their lives since leaving school.
There were also several favourite teachers and mentors from the older generation who were a delight then and now, with their words of encouragement and wisdom and particularly the pride they expressed at the varying levels of success their former students had achieved as adults. What was curious however was the measure for success employed to praise some of the girls present that day. The same measure of success that seems to lurk in the recesses of many traditional Sri Lankan minds and hearts even today, despite being considered ‘un-PC’ and sometimes remaining unvoiced. A particular conversation that took place that day, stands out with startling clarity well over a decade later.
There was one colleague who had done particularly well academically and professionally. Whilst waiting for entrance to university, she had managed to earn the title of Attorney-at-Law and now being almost half way through Medical school, was well on her way to earning herself the two letter abbreviated title that she had spent her whole school career working towards. In between there had been several awards celebrating her academic prowess and well deserved recognition for sparing not a single day in working towards her goal. That of reaching academic and professional brilliance and making the conscious decision to hold off entering the realm of matrimonial bliss in order to do so.
Next to her was another batch mate. She met the love of her life during her final year in school, finished her A/Levels and rushed off to get on to the poruwa as fast as her little white-canvas-shoe-clad-feet would carry her. She was now the glowing mother of two children, extremely happy in her role of wife and mother and very proud of her two girls who were now almost toddlers and had begun preparing herself to start going back to school all over again with her own little ones.
Both beautiful stories of colleagues and childhood friends that personally filled me with joy for here were two lives with parallel stories of great achievement…which ever way you look at it for in the end, both girls were doing what made them happy and were working towards what they felt was their own idea of a perfect life. What was curious was the sincere and truly heartfelt reaction of the learned elder who was also a party to this conversation: The young, single, lawyer-cum-almost-doctor was praised by way of “well done duwa-a great achievement…very soon you can get married and have children and life will be just perfect” and the bubbly mother of two was given just two words: “Success, success”.
At the outset I must be clear: as an objective, professional lawyer-cum-musician and mother of two, who has worked very hard to sustain and maintain both aspects of my life, and has been able to do so with some degree of success, largely due to immeasurable support from my husband and family, I can completely understand why each individual, opted for their chosen path. Having been born and raised in Colombo amidst progressive parents and traditional values, I can also understand why the sum of those individual achievements gave the elder in the group, that particular tally. What bothers me is how often these sentiments still resound within the inner thoughts of many people, even today.
Sri Lankan women have an impossible challenge to meet on this journey called life. In a very general sense, we are driven with the single minded focus of being good students and high academic achievers from the day we enter school, aged 5+. We get through Primary school and those of us who are lucky enough to be enrolled at the best institutions of education from the outset, escape the pressure-cooker like environment of preparing for the brain-splitting-stress-generating Grade 5 scholarship exam at the tender age of just 10. We then progress through middle school and senior school with the ultimate goal of getting fabulously fantastic Ordinary and Advanced Level examination results. There’s usually only one condition: Boy friends – a.k.a. Distractions – are an absolute no-no.
One then leaves school and if you choose to pursue higher formal education, begin your journey towards reading for a first degree. Boy friends are still a no-no as once again the only purpose they will likely serve is to ‘distract’ you from your goal. Suddenly the girl, who is now in her early twenties and devoid of all ‘distractions’, is expected to produce a suitable husband and is given all sorts of advice and commiserations if she cannot. If she were able to somehow magically conjure one up, the next bout of urging would be to sign on the dotted line. Before the ink is dry there will be hints and words of wisdom about the benefits of starting a family straight away and then the winning closing argument – whilst the first baby is yet to start teething – that there is no beauty like that of completing your family with a second! Never mind the collection of letters after one’s name – the letters that seem to carry the most weight are those obtained from the astrologer when naming the offspring…It is positively mind boggling, and all this in the name of happiness, convention and traditional wisdom.
Women are a proud, immensely capable and strong species and this has never been more apparent than today, when we can lay witness to the countless achievements and accolades amassed by those birthed on our very own shores. We have governed countries; run marathons and multinationals; enriched and saved countless lives through inkwells and scalpels; graced world stages; and a Sri Lankan superwoman most recently even conquered Mount Everest. With such varied and wonderful accomplished women to be found in every corner of our little island, is it not time that we Sri Lankans – men and women, young and old – truly shed our ‘secret’ expectations and ideals and take every opportunity to celebrate achievements of all kinds and truly celebrate strong and versatile Sri Lankan women for what they are and not what is traditionally expected of them?
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