Women need to be kinder to themselves and kinder to each other
View(s):I was recently a guest speaker – along with several other outstanding and inspiring women – at a conference celebrating women, their accomplishments and amongst other things, their resilient nature which has allowed them to flourish around the world in a multitude of professions and environments. At the end of the conference, each speaker was asked to make a summarising suggestion that could be the last take away thought for the evening. There were some beautiful sentiments shared by my colleagues and when it was my turn, I found myself saying something I had not really planned to say, nor had thought about specifically until that very moment but felt like it was the perfect thing to end with: That after everything is said and done, we, as women, needed to be kinder to ourselves and kinder to each other.
One week later I was sent a clip of the CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi, speaking at the Women in the World Conference. Having discussed various points relating to mentoring women, advising and helping women etc, she ended by saying that “I think we (women) have to change our whole approach…towards supporting each other…taking advice from each other…seeking it out….I think we have to change the dialogue…I have one plea for everyone in this room…let’s figure out how we can help each other…way more than we are today…”.
Why is it that more often than not, as women we think twice about helping another of our own kind? That we feel the need to make things difficult before we try and make it easy…that the instinct to lend a hand to a struggling woman is often stamped out before it can manifest into a physical act and eventually turn into an automatic response?
There is a plethora of information and articles detailing example after example of how women are reluctant to and usually less likely to give, another woman a helping hand. This, despite growing evidence that tells us that to help a women is to indirectly help yourself, is somewhat disappointing. There will always be the enlightened few, in various careers and involved in various aspects of the public and private sector, who go out of their way to encourage, mentor and lend a sister a helping hand up any ladder. However by and large it appears it is far from being the norm. According to Eve Tahmincioglu, a contributor for MSNBC, women are still reluctant to help each other. She observes, that “With women holding so few key political roles and leadership positions in corporate America, you would think they would build each other up rather than tear each other down. Unfortunately, many women say we still have a long way to go”.
She points out that a study concluded by the Workplace Bullying Institute in 2007, revealed that 37% of the U.S. workforce reported being bullied at work. Among those who mistreat their co-workers, women were more likely to target other women (71 percent), compared to men who bullied other men (54 percent.) She reports that according to Susan Shapiro Barash, who teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College, “It’s a dirty little secret among women that we don’t support one another”. Barash believes that because we live in what is still a male-dominated society, women are apt to feel like there’s not enough to go around for them, which feeds jealousy and resentment among women fighting for a smaller piece of the pie. She says that “If you’re the gender that yields the power, you don’t have to feel that way”.
Interestingly however, not all top executives share this view. Ms. Tahmincioglu writes about Elura Nanos, an attorney and a managing partner of Morange, an educational firm for law students, who has seen tonnes of women, including herself, not helping other women but doesn’t think it’s necessarily about being “bitchy.”“Many women are too busy to help each other,” she said. “I own a business, work full time, I have two small children, do charity work, hobbies. I have a wonderful husband, but he doesn’t do half the amount of things I do.”This constant pressure on her time and schedule has left her being strategic about whom she helps and how it could help her in the long run. “I think that for men in the business world, it’s really more implicit that if I do something for you, you will do something for me. But women don’t operate that way.”
Is it then a matter of perception that does the most damage? It is no secret that it is not necessarily what is said that is the issue, but rather who it comes from. We are often encouraged to believe – from a very early age – that women are soft and nurturing and gentle. That a woman’s appeal is her ability to navigate the bumps in the road in a more genteel manner and not be hard edged and brutally honest. So when a woman feels enough is enough and voices her honest, untempered opinion of what she believes is right and wrong, whether it be in the work place or at home, there is often a sense of unease. A sense that she is being ‘hard nosed’ and ‘difficult’. According to Beth Livingston, an assistant professor of human resources at Cornell University, “Maybe it’s stereotypes that get us thinking a women’s reaction to anger is different from a man’s because women are supposed to be ‘more communal and less aggressive’…This is a double-edged sword because the same behaviours that a man enacts, when enacted by a woman, are often more memorable and trigger a backlash of sorts against the ‘offending’ woman,” she says. “Men and women can enact the exact same behaviours, but it’s seen as more hostile coming from a woman, likely because of the stereotypes we already hold.”
In the end whether it is our perceptions or beliefs, the bottom line is we still display a pretty dismal score board when it comes to tallying the opportunity a woman extends to and receives in turn from another women. The change must surely come from within ourselves first, and we in turn need to educate our daughters to never hesitate to lend a helping hand to a fellow sister along the path of life.
Madeleine Albright, former U.S. Secretary of State, at a women’s conference last year famously said “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” I for one, am inclined to agree and am doing my part to ensure there’s no special seat there assigned for me – the question is, are you doing the same?
All comments, suggestions and contributions are most welcome. Confidentiality guaranteed.
Please email: KJWVoiceforWomen@gmail.com