5th Column

My dear Ban Ki Moon,
I thought I must write to you when I heard that you would be visiting us again this week after seven long years, especially since there has been a lot of talk about how the United Nations has been dealing with our country after the end of the war, what with all these stories about so-called war crimes.

You may notice a few changes since your last trip, Ban. Your last visit was soon after the war ended. There was a sense of euphoria because a thirty year conflict had come to an end. There was also hope that it would be a new beginning for our nation, where different communities would live peacefully.

Seven years and one government later, the only sense of euphoria we now feel is whenever we win a game of cricket. Until recently, even these opportunities have been few and far between although in recent weeks Angelo and his boys have given us enough reasons to celebrate for a few years to come.

While you are here, Ban, you might also notice that there has been a change of the guard. Mahinda maama, who you might remember as one of the brothers with the purple sash, is no longer the boss. This might surprise you, but his secretary contested from a different party and took over his job.

With such a change of government, Ban, usually you would expect a different set of ministers and they have indeed changed. But you need to be careful when you are being introduced to our ministers because some of Mahinda maama’s ministers are also still in office – and don’t ask me how or why.

Ban, we know that the UN you headed has been asking for an inquiry into so-called war crimes that were supposedly committed towards the end of the war. I hope you are not visiting us again to advise us on what we should do about it because I think we can handle that issue quite well by ourselves.

In trying to end that war there were casualties on both sides and we think it is unfair to now label these as war crimes. Besides, in all the conflicts in Syria, Afghanistan and Iraq, we don’t you hear you calling for war crimes inquiries against the Americans, for instance. Now, why is that, Ban?

When you visited us last time, Ban, the Foreign Ministers of France and Britain had just been here, asking Mahinda maama to stop the war. Isn’t it ironical that ours is now a peaceful country where people move about freely without fear while there are acts of terrorism in France and Britain?

So, we are grateful to Mahinda maama for ending the war. We do not agree with many things that he did after winning the war but with what is happening elsewhere in the world now with wars and bombs everywhere, we dread to think what our country would be like, if the war was still going on.

I know I have told you that there has been a change of the guard, Ban, but while you are here you might realise that nothing much has really changed. We are still the slow, lazy nation where politicians decide on everything. Only the slogan changes from a ‘Chinthanaya’ to ‘Yahapaalanaya’.

There is one chap you must somehow meet with, Ban, while you are here. He went on a fast unto death protesting against you, but we later got to know that he was munching on biscuits all the time. Still, I am sure he will be happy to see you now because he likes any kind of publicity he can get.

I heard that this is one of your last visits as the boss of the UN because you are about to retire, Ban. Are you sure about that? I ask only because in this land of ours, no one really retires unless they are really pushed in to doing so. If you have any doubts about that, you should ask a chap called Dilshan!

Ban, I hope you have a pleasant journey here. You must surely be aware that UN bosses may come and go but life goes on in Paradise. So, it would be helpful if you allow us to mind our own business without interfering too much. We have made it this far – and I am quite sure we can do so in the future.

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: I heard that after you retire from being boss of the UN, you want to run for the Presidency in South Korea. Now, Ban, that is like wanting to become MP for Kurunegala after being President of Paradise. Anyway, I am sure you can get advice for that while you are here. And I don’t have to tell you who you have to ask!