Can one enjoy the pleasure of good manners and common courtesy and still call oneself a Feminist?
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Recently, I have begun to wonder whether or not I am allowed to call myself a feminist. I fiercely believe that women and men should have equal rights and opportunities. I religiously adhere to the theory of political, economic and social equality of the sexes. I absolutely believe in equal pay for equal work. The doubt then arises, because I, (like a lot of strong and independent women I know), appreciate a man holding a door open for me, or offering me his seat because it was the gentlemanly thing to do. I may not take him up on the offer, but I truly appreciate the gesture. So does this then mean, that I don’t fully invest in the Feminist Movement or somehow lose points because I appreciate coming face to face with gentlemanly courtesy?
As Holly Baxter and Rhainnon Lucy Cosslett state, “Can Feminists Expect Men To Hold Doors Open For Them?”Apparently Caitlin Moran found a good formula and an – almost – foolproof way to determine if you are experiencing sexism is to ask yourself: “Is it polite, and is it happening to the men?” It goes on to explain that it is ‘A simple and decisive test, indeed, and one that I am a fan of. But my issue with politeness goes a bit further. And it goes like this: The F-word (feminism, of course) is brought up at the dinner table; a man at the table allies with you immediately; he, too, is a feminist. You grin and bond and, united, you face the rest of the table to show why this Movement matters, why it’s vital to our society and societies around the world, and he opens his mouth and speaks about the issues as if he’s basically a woman himself. These so-called allies agree with the core principles of feminism, they support equal rights. But instead of using this as a platform to discuss how, and more importantly, why our sex educations were different – why it’s seen as ambitious when they ask for a pay rise yet pushy when we do, for instance – and the debate turns quickly into a rant about how they do not believe a woman should be able to call herself a feminist and have the door held open for her at the same time. Apparently, we should choose between one or the other, manners or equality.”
So the question then remains, are we compromising the strength of our fight for equality and throwing it on the back burner, just because we value good manners and common courtesy? It’s almost ridiculous to imagine that if a male colleague at work were to offer me his seat at a meeting, and I choose to take it, that I am alright with him then being promoted ahead of me simply because he was a man and that if I walk through a door he’s holding for me, that I’m okay with being paid less for doing exactly the same job. Manners in the end are gender neutral. I have given up my seat whilst being heavily pregnant because the elderly gentleman who made it into the carriage of the London Underground at rush hour, did so with the aid of a cane. As Baxter and Cosslett concur, I too hold the doors open on occasion if I happen to be ahead of someone else and admit I get mildly irritated when they -male or female – walk through it without so much as a thank you, as I would never omit to utter such niceties if the roles were reversed.
Martin Daubnet, writing for the Daily Telegraph, has a slightly different take on the matter. In a report titled “Chivalry is dead and feminism is to blame” in 2014, he claims that “The risk of being accused of sexism makes men think twice before helping women”. A worrying and unnecessary burden on those gentleman who are the products of hard working mothers who instilled in them the value of good manners.
There will always be diverse views about the various issues that surround the concept of Feminism. There will be celebrity endorsements and those who feel they do not like to align themselves with a cause that in actual fact truly deserves and needs all the publicity it can get. Powerful women will almost always agree but powerful men from across the world may or may not. For every President Barak Obama who momentously became a self-proclaimed feminist in June 2016 at the United State of Women Summit hosted by the White House, there will be the legendary “Big B” – veteran actor Amitabh Bachan who just last week distanced himself from the term “feminist” at the interview given to The Hindu about his latest new movie “Pink”.
However, no matter who joins on the sidelines or places themselves on centre stage, the fight for change has to come from within. It has to spring from a well of absolute belief that all people are equal, irrespective of gender and has to join forces with the need to take the necessary steps to combat inequality between the sexes. For real change, it must come from everyone. Boys and girls; men and women alike.
Personally there’s no question that I’m a feminist. To say otherwise would be to dishonour everything I believe in and disrespect the big battles our foremothers fought for us to secure an equal place for us in this world. However, for me, there’s nothing wrong with a feminist being grateful for a seat being offered to her on the train or being thankful to the male colleague who holds open the door for her and says thank you for it. For me, it’s just good manners.
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