5th Column

My dear Donald Trump,
I am writing to you to congratulate you on your election as the next President of the United States. Your win at the election, over your more fancied opponent Hillary Clinton, surprised many people who expected that lady to become the first female President of America.

In our little paradise island however, we were not so surprised at your victory, Donald. In fact, we think that we may have something to do with your victory because your opponent Hillary may have taken a leaf or two out of our books. If you are puzzled by that, please let me explain why.

For Hillary, it didn’t matter that husband Bill was in power for eight long years and didn’t exactly leave in a blaze of glory. The Clintons wanted a third term and yet more time at the White House. It was all about keeping power within the family. Ah, we in Paradise have heard that one before!

I know your Constitution does not allow a person to be President more than twice. In Paradise, we changed the Constitution so the same person could run for President again. Because they couldn’t change your Constitution, the Clintons did the next best thing: the wife was running for President!

That does not seem to be the only instance where Hillary adopted a strategy similar to what was seen in Paradise. During the campaign, if anyone listened to the media, it was hopelessly one sided – in Hillary’s favour. Hillary also spent seven times more than you did on campaign advertisements.

In our most recent campaign too, the advertising was totally one sided. The entire media seemed to be singing the praises of one candidate. We couldn’t walk ten metres without encountering a larger than life cut-out of that candidate. And, as it has now happened in America, that candidate didn’t win!

What’s more, Hillary had a large number of celebrities endorse her. Towards the end of her campaign, they were attending her rallies and stating that if you won the election, they would leave the country, giving the impression that everyone who was someone was on her side. Well, that is not new either.

In our election too, artistes were falling over each other to endorse one candidate, taking out newspaper advertisements to pledge their loyalty to the master. They probably hoped for greater rewards if that candidate won the election – but here too, that didn’t happen.
Hillary appears to have copied another of our campaign strategies. Remember how she got actor Alec Baldwin dressed up like you and got him to say stupid things, so that people will not vote for you? I think that tactic backfired but you may be surprised, Donald, to know that this too was copied from us!

We also had someone dress up like a ‘duplicate’ candidate who was in fact coaxed into contesting the actual election, possibly with the hope that some people would mistakenly vote for the ‘duplicate’ candidate rather than the real one. And just like with you, our voters also saw through that trick.

Even though the election is now over and you are the President-elect, the similarities between what is happening in America and what happened over here in Paradise continue. I heard that people are protesting on the streets against your election- even though they had pledged to respect the outcome.

Here in Paradise too, we saw something similar after the election. At first, there was talk of a coup on the night of the election although nothing could be proved. Then, busloads of people travelled down South to pay homage to the defeated candidate saying that he was robbed of victory at the elections.

If you are not careful, you might soon see Hillary clinging on to a window sill claiming that she did not win because certain ethnic groups of the population did not vote for her although she had Bin Laden killed. And then, before you know it, there might even be a ‘wake up with Hillary’ campaign!

Many people in Paradise wanted you to win, Donald, not because they were impressed by your conduct but because they were disappointed with Hillary’s policies, especially when those leaked e-mails revealed that she didn’t want the war to end or the Tigers to be defeated. So, we wish you well.

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: As I have pointed out, there are many similarities between the campaign that Hillary ran and what happened here in Paradise. However, I hope that the similarities end there and that your government is better and more efficient than the one we got after all that fuss about ending one-family rule. Surely, two years later, you wouldn’t want the rest of America asking the people who voted for you, “Are you happy now?”