5th Column

My dear Navy Commander,

I thought I must write to you because you seem to be in the news these days, just when we thought that the worst thing the chief of an armed force or the police could do was to take a telephone call and give an assurance that someone will not be arrested. You have bettered that by manhandling a journalist in public.

I bet you thought that it was time the navy got some recognition for what it was doing instead of allowing the police or the other armed forces to take all the credit. Maybe you were even just a bit jealous about all the publicity that chap Pujith got in recent weeks. After all, all he did was to answer a telephone call!

So, you decided to take the law into your own hands, quite literally. At least, that is what we saw on camera. All you did was to tell that journalist chap to mind his own business and everybody has been complaining since then as if you had tried to outrage the modesty of the Queen of England.

These journalist chaps are a peculiar breed, aren’t they, Navy Commander? In our country, they are a bit like doctors: they think they are special and that all their demands should be met, the minute they make them. And, just like doctors, if you try to offend them in the slightest possible way, all hell breaks loose.
Now, the entire incident is being analysed second by second, blow by blow and I am told footage of this so-called ‘incident’ has gone viral on social media. Instead of condemning you for all this I think they should commend you and give you another medal for getting so much of free publicity for the navy.

They are even criticising the language you used during this ‘incident’. Maybe what you said didn’t make you sound exactly like Mother Teresa but then, officers of the Navy – or any of the other armed forces for that matter – are not renowned for singing lullabies as they go about performing their duties every day.

Comrade Vasu mentioned certain words in Parliament to describe no less a person than the Prime Minister in not so flattering terms. He got away with it without facing any consequences. So, why should you be prevented from establishing the parental credentials of a journalist for all the world to hear?

They are even complaining about what you were wearing that day because you were clad in shorts and a T-shirt. You would think the complaint comes from someone involved with the armed forces. Instead, the chap who is concerned is our Justice Minister – ah, what a fashion conscious nation we have become!

I think you are on to something here, Navy Commander. Your attire that day suits the Navy more than the silly white stuff you have been wearing all these years. Remember the good old days when cops used to be in khaki shorts and long socks- didn’t they provide a better service when they were wearing them?

I must also warn you that as usual, conspiracy theorists are at work. Why, some are even saying that you assaulted that journalist chap on purpose, so that it will take all the attention away from the strike. I am not so sure about that, but the assault certainly made more headlines than the strike itself!

Many people are calling for your resignation but I see no reason why you should call it quits. Wije in charge of Justice didn’t resign after defending his clients in Parliament, Hirunika didn’t resign after being implicated in an abduction and Pujith hasn’t still resigned, so why should you be the only one to go?

Besides, although the powers that be have said they will investigate your conduct, they have also said that the journalist chap violated the ‘ethics’ of his profession. For the life of me, I don’t know how asking a question from you breaches his ‘ethics’ but if that is the way they see this, who are we to question that?

As for this ‘investigation’, Navy Commander, you need not worry. These ‘yahapaalanaya’ chaps have now been in office for almost two years and despite all their claims of bribery and corruption during Mahinda maama’s time, no one has been found guilty, so that will be the verdict for you as well!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: I got the shock of my life when I saw the Green Man meeting and greeting you soon after this incident. I would have thought that, after all that happened, he would have run a mile when he saw you. Now my worry is that, whenever a service chief wants an audience with the PM, they will assault journalists!