5th Column

My dear Santa Claus,

I thought I must write to you even though you must be busy these days doing your rounds, distributing gifts to everyone this Christmas season. I am sure you will have a difficult task on your hands over here in Paradise, deciding what to get for everyone which is why I thought I might be of some help.

You must be in a quandary as to what you should give our parliamentarians. They have got increased allowances and duty free car permits which they sell at a handsome profit though they have asked the rest of us to tighten our belts. I guess their best gift would be no publicity to any of this.

Some among them deserve special gifts. I don’t want to embarrass anyone by mentioning their names but quite a few of them would like their passports back, so that they can travel as they please. Others would like to be released on bail, so that they could be with family and friends for the holiday season.

Then we have chaps like Gammanpila, who could do with a list of issues to talk about every week. Whether he has an issue or not, he does this anyway, so it would be good if you send him a list of topics to talk about next year, so we can listen to something that is relevant instead of pure nonsense.

There is also his partner in crime, Wimal. He needs two important gifts: a visitor’s pass to the FCID and a camera crew permanently stationed outside the FCID. Then he can provide ‘voice cuts’ whenever he makes one of his frequent appearances there and get his ten seconds of publicity on TV.

Among the Blue chaps, I think young Dilan also needs a gift: a transfer to the opposition. He has not been saying so directly but the way he speaks about the Greens, he sounds as if he is desperate to join Mahinda maama’s lot. The only question though is whether he is echoing His master’s voice or not.

Then there is Arjuna who needs no gifts because he has got the green light for the world’s tallest Christmas tree. He has led the country to a World Cup win so he settles for no less than the world’s best but if you really want to make him happy, you could give him control of the Sri Lanka Cricket.

Among the others, Rajitha also does not need a gift. What makes him really happy is a chance to go before the media every week and relate some fairy tales, regardless of whether they are true or not. He already does this. Even so, I think he might relish the gift of a ban on strikes staged by the GMOA.

As for Ravi, you must get him the Christmas present he never got: the 25,000 rupee traffic fine. He wants the money generated from it but doesn’t want to take any of the blame that comes with it. An idea would be to share that gift between Ravi and our good Minister of Transport, roly-poly Nimal.

Then there is Mahinda maama. You must be wondering what to get for the man who had it all and then threw it away. What he would dearly like is getting his old job back but that is not possible, so he might settle for even the PM’s post. Alternatively, Santa, you could just get him a new astrologer.

If you are looking for a gift for the Green Man, that shouldn’t be too hard to find. He would gladly accept anything that would make the Bond scam issue go away. If that is now too much to ask for, I think he will also agree to anything that enables him to appoint those ‘super ministers’ without a fuss.

It might be a little bit more difficult to find gifts for Maithri. However, he could do with a little more control over his own party and people who offer him sound advice instead of blindly singing his praises. The gift he would really like is of course difficult to get: a retirement for Mahinda maama.

As for the rest of us, we would like to see ourselves being governed by people who really value good governance, people who honour their promises, people who bring culprits to justice and people who don’t repeat the same mistakes of their predecessors. That though is too much to ask for, isn’t it?

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: You shouldn’t limit your gifts to those in Parliament, Santa, because those who defend us need gifts too. Our Police chief could certainly do with a telephone that he could answer without others hearing what he has to say and our Navy chief should be gifted with a few journalists to be used as punching bags!