Since starring in the Twilight series, Kellan Lutz has been on a frustrating but single-minded crusade to destroy his ‘teen idol’ status and complete his transformation into B-movie action star. This offering is no exception. The tale of the titular legendary hero is confused, poorly executed and terribly scripted. For some inexplicable reason, the special effects team appears to have copied villain Whiplash’s electric noose from Ironman 2 (one of the worst Marvel films in the canon). If you’re going to steal from another film, at least make it a good one. Not even a shouty, muscular turn from bearded martial-arts superstar Scott Adkins can fix this mess. There’s people jumping in slo-mo through fire, someone dropping to their knees and shouting “Nooooooooo!” to the heavens, and let’s not forget that there is also a sex scene with the wind. Yes, the wind. Need I say more?

Worst line: “He bleeds; and why?  Because he’s nothing more than a man”

A favourite game of mine is to play ‘Name that next Steven Seagal film’. You essentially just pick a random noun, followed by a number, followed by a colon, then bolt a descriptive noun onto it. For example. Arrack 2: Wistfulness. Or Wattalapam 4: Regret. The fact this 2015 offering was the third film in a series and co-stars Vinnie Jones in a role simply credited as ‘The Boss’ should tell you all you need to know about the level of characterisation at play here. If Steven Seagal doing his best Brando in Apocalypse Now impression (i.e. being about 100lbs overweight and having some of the worst fake hair ever seen on screen) is your idea of a good time, then by all means watch this. Stuntmen fly unbelievably around the room with a flick of Seagal’s fat wrists, and female leads flirt with him with all the enthusiasm of a Priest about to take confession from Vladimir Putin. And the dialogue is truly unforgiveable.

Worst line: “I’ve been a very very bad man most of my life, I want to do one good thing before I die. Even if I die in the process”

M. Night Shyamalan is fast-becoming a more sure-fire way to sink a film than Mel Gibson, and the way he butchered some spectacular source material in this 2010 adaptation of the phenomenal manga (and anime) Avatar: The Last Airbender is compelling evidence. Not even the usually excellent Dev Patel and Cliff Curtis saved this one from ignominy. At times it so dark that it’s physically difficult to see what is going on onscreen, though in retrospect this may actually be a blessing.

Worst line: “I knew from the first time we discovered you, that you were a bender”

How this sequel got made is beyond me. The first film was bad enough. It ruined the legacy of a smart and oft-insightful show. Somehow, this is even worse. Materialistic, misogynistic and borderline racist (Arab and camel jokes, guffaw!), its characters are grotesque parodies of themselves, consuming everything in their path. Avoid this like Carrie should have avoided Big when she dropped her bag all those years ago.

Worst line: “Lawrence of my labia!”

This is a film about clones. Clones freak me out. The most frustrating thing about this film is that there’s a good plot stuck in here somewhere. Sadly, it can’t get out from under a metric tonne of boredom and painful drawn-out musings. It. Is. Just. So. Darn. Slow. William Zero? More like William Zero percent (snigger, good one). The fact that IMDb has no ‘Memorable Quotes’ listed for this film should tell you all you need to know about it. Absolutely Zero.

Worst line: “I’m not human…..I’m better than that”

Speaking of clones, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Nic Cage had successfully perfected this technology given his sheer volume of output over the past few years. In Outcast, there’s some vague plot about medieval swords and sorcery and crusaders……and then also a deposed Chinese Emperor. It feels like two different films, but that aside, the real story here is the accents. All the Chinese characters speak with clipped English ones, and the mighty Cage does some bizarre blend of Scottish, English and So-cal. Hayden Christensen is also along for the ride, cementing his place in casting directors’ Rolodexes as <Faceless White Hero> (if your first 5 choices are busy). Drive Angry is a little better, with souped-up action and a sexed-up Amber Heard on eye-candy duty, but still fails to break the 2-star barrier. Oh Nic, bring back the days of The Rock, Face/Off and Con Air before you go full-Snipes on us.

Worst line: “I never disrobe before gunplay”

Hoping to piggyback on the success of the biting and well-observed Tina Fey-penned original, this casts a bunch of Disney Channel cast-offs in a film which totally misses the previously acerbic parable of high-school bullying. Watching this actually feels like bullying to be honest. This ought to go in the Burn Book. It’s not often that you can say the addition of celebrity car-crash and serial plastic surgeon-botherer Lindsay Lohan to a film would improve it. SO not fetch.

Worst line: “Who could think of something so childish yet brilliant? Except for a bunch of mean girls.”

This isn’t the name of a particular Russell Peters comedy special. When I say ‘anything’ I mean ‘anything’ in the broadest sense of the word. His comedy is more 90s than high-top fades and Air Jordans. Now, you could forgive the well-trodden tropes and horribly-delivered shouty punchlines if he’d updated a bit but he’s still shopping the same lazy routine in 2016 as when Will Smith was the Fresh Prince and Michael Jackson was black (and alive). You’d have thought that as the first comedian of Asian-origin to hit the mainstream he’d be repping us a little better. I wish Mrs. Peters would have stopped young Russell going into comedy all those years ago, and given him the usual 4 options that good Lankan parents give their children; Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer, Disgrace to the family.

Worst line: whenever he opens his mouth

Out of the 50+ films that Adam Sandler has made, perhaps 3 or 4 are actually good (Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, Bedtimes Stories, Grown Ups). However, any goodwill he may have built-up has been squandered massively. On Netflix you have the Hobson’s choice of The Do-Over or The Ridiculous 6 to choose from. Both are the entertainment equivalent of water-boarding. Avoid like Kanye is avoiding the IRS.

Worst line: Too many to choose from

I love Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) films. I’ll normally give them huge amounts of leeway given that I’m such a fan of the sport. But I just couldn’t like this one. The production values look like a bad college short-film the director wanted to make so badly that he had to finance it solely from blood and sperm-bank donations. It stars dancer/actor and J-Lo’s ex-toyboy, Beau ‘Casper’ Smart. Smart’s other credits include Step Up 3D, Honey 2, the upcoming Dirty Dancing remake (heresy I say!), and the horribly-titled series LXD (League of Extraordinary Dancers). Basically, if you are making a budget sequel to a street-dancing film but can’t afford your first, second or third choices, then he’s your guy.From the inexplicable apostrophes he insists accompany his name (I mean, is your name Casper or isn’t it?), to his corn-rows (you’re the whitest man alive Casper, if a grilled-up Franco in Springbreakers couldn’t pull that hairstyle off, you certainly can’t), everything makes me want to hate him. A white muscle-vest and a backwards cap does not a ghetto-man make, ‘Casper’. This film is less edgy martial-arts showcase, and more friendly-ghost horrowshow.

Worst line: “Get him out of here, he is bleeding all over my carpet”