The Aluth Avurudu/New Year’s resolution to talk
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Incidentally, last week with the run up to New Year, I received an email from a reader, a young lady, who was extremely forthright about issues that she felt needed to be addressed and could in many ways help families in general cope with the challenges the modern world brings into the life of young women in particular. I thought it was very helpful and made me consider the importance of true communication. Not simply this act of relaying information from one individual to another, but the true act of communicating. Was she right? Do we as a society, still shy away from openly discussing topics and issues that are traditionally considered taboo…? Do we, as Sri Lankans…as Asians…truly find it hard…to talk?
My upbringing was slightly different so it is fair to say it was not the norm – not then and as I see it, not now either. We had very traditional values but our home and family environment was a very open one. The root of that probably being that our parents were exceptionally progressive people. They had an extremely open attitude about most things and the few they were not so…open to…at certain points in time, was possibly due to there being a very strong influence from family, friends or even, society. They both worked full time and perhaps that too was not so usual when we were in school, but somehow things just worked. There was a lot of give and take and bucket loads of love and compromise that somehow allowed my brother and myself the privilege of having very secure, hectic and activity packed lives despite having two working parents. Of course as we all know, that was a different time and we had the advantage of being an urban family. The one thing I had hoped was different in today’s context was that more parents in general would be a lot more open with their children. That they talk more and share a lot more than parents did even just 10 years ago.
Whilst it is encouraging to see this in the case of many people I know, my growing localised interaction with older teenagers and young adults that I meet through work at my Vocal Studio, the University and the South Asian Region itself, gives me a slightly different impression. Granted, these are primarily young people from the city and are certainly not representative of the masses of any country. Nevertheless in some ways, one would expect this particular snap shot – the one with possibly more access to…everything…and with much more outside exposure – to come out looking particularly well adjusted and more…clear…with much more communication. Are we just not spending enough time talking with our children? More specifically, are we not spending enough time speaking with them, about the ‘unspeakable’ and how important is it that we do?
Mike in “Smart Advice for Parenting” puts it very succinctly. He says, “Not so long ago, in what were probably simpler times, parents would find it very uncomfortable to discuss what were thought of as being “unpleasant” subjects with their children, preferring to believe that their children would not encounter these problems until they became adults.For the good or the bad, we now live in a very fast paced society and it’s simply a matter of fact that if parents procrastinate in discussing taboo subjects with their children, they will get information from another source, and possibly in a manner that they will not be emotionally equipped to deal with and worse, not be entirely accurate.That’s why parents have to “bite the bullet” and establish a formula of how to discuss these taboo subjects with their children. Obviously, the younger the child, the easier the discussion on the subject will need to be. It can be very dangerous to instil exaggerated fears into a child’s young and usually fertile imagination.
On the other hand, the subject should not be treated lightly. Subjects the parents of younger children have to deal with are usually well known, and they generally take into account being wary of strangers etc….As the children get older the scope for risks and taboo subjects becomes wider. Not only do parents have to touch upon the risks from outside their normal frame of life, but also taboo subjects that children can bring upon themselves. These can range from smoking, drinking alcohol, underaged sex and the worst of all, getting involved in any form of drug culture.
Add to that, all the dangers of becoming hooked on social media websites such as Facebook and Twitter, and how to engage in their online activities, in moderation…Generally speaking as children get older they tend to automatically doubt the word of their parents and their very good intentions. That’s why the very act of discussing taboo topics with teenage children can be a very daunting task…”.
Perhaps then, this is why it is also the most important one. Particularly with our teenagers and young adults. When their bodies are changing, when they are becoming more self aware, when they are able to access grown up life whilst they are still anything but…When they are trying so hard to grow up far too fast – surely it is only the parent’s gentle hand and unconditional acceptance and openness of mind and communication that can ‘stay’ the journey and bring it down to a more manageable and safe speed?
So perhaps this New Year, at this time of personal reflection and resolution, we – especially those who play a part in shaping the lives of the young – could do so with a more open and vocal approach. Perhaps this New Year is the time – if you haven’t already – to start that conversation. The conversation that doesn’t always come naturally or isn’t the easiest to have, but could make all the difference to a young mind. Allowing them to feel there are no taboo subjects for communication, at least within the home, and in turn giving children the safe haven to turn inside so they can then face any challenge from outside. My parents’ attitude to open communication in our home, shaped my entire extremely content existence. In turn it naturally instilled a need for me to do the same with our children and we hope they too will be happier, more adventurous and more secure because of it. So let’s speak about the ‘unspeakable’ this year. Let this New Year be a more open and expressive one. I certainly hope to make it one, especially with my readers – I hope you do too with your loved ones.
Wishing all my readers a very happy and prosperous New Year, Subha Aluth Avuruddak Weva!
All comments, suggestions and contributions are most welcome. Confidentiality guaranteed.
Please email: KJWVoiceforWomen@gmail.com