Anything she can do I can do better
View(s):Good, strong female friends can be the most extraordinary source of strength. They can understand us women in a way men never can…in all sincerity, a female friend can empathise, feel, give advice, support and cheer on another sister, in a way that few male friends ever could and their contribution to our lives is…immeasurable.
I often say, I would be lost without my girlfriends and my ‘sisters’ in life. Why then is it, that we can also sometimes receive some of the harshest blows – verbally and emotionally even if not physically – and face some of the most critical and cynical evaluations and feedback from fellow sisters and female friends…and then of course there is that almighty dollop of heavy and hefty competition that many women sport in bucket loads…
Are women more competitive by nature…are women always more competitive with every one whether they be male or female…or are women predominantly more competitive with other women…is there some sort of automatic switch that flicks into the ‘On’ position the moment we sense competition from a member of our own sex?
Emily V. Gordon, in an article titled “Why Women Compete With Each Other” writing for the New York Times says that “A good amount of research has been done on female competitiveness, both in condescending and eye-opening ways.
A literature review by Tracy Vaillancourt in 2013 found that women by and large express indirect aggression toward other women, and that aggression is a combination of ‘self-promotion’,(making themselves look more attractive), and ‘derogation of rivals’,(being catty about other women).” She goes in to elaborate that “There are two main theories of why women are competitive in indirectly aggressive ways. Evolutionary psychology, which uses natural selection to explain our modern behaviour, says that women need to protect themselves (read: their wombs) from physical harm, so indirect aggression keeps us safe while lowering the stock of other women.
Feminist psychology chalks up this indirect aggression to internalising the patriarchy. As Noam Shpancer writes in Psychology Today, “As women come to consider being prized by men – their ultimate source of strength, worth, achievement and identity – they are compelled to battle other women for the prize.”In short:When our value is tied to the people who can impregnate us, we turn on each other.”
Many people, especially those from all female schools and with a strong female influence in their lives – myself included – have a general large group of girl friends and an inner circle of fewer friends that remain at the core of their own individual circle.
Friends within friends we say. Sometimes we have several of these inner core groups which have formed over time and through interaction and involvement in various different activities and some tend to be larger and closer than others.
Ultimately however what really counts is that you have at least one really close friend or a few of them if you’re lucky that gives you an outlet…a person to talk to, laugh with, share your inner thoughts with and share a warmth and understanding, that allows you to go about the business of being…you.
Personally, whilst I have always had many ‘friends’ in my life, I have counted myself as being very fortunate to have a few especially precious girl friends I can count on one hand and an additional group of ‘Sistas’, who would go to the wall for me, very comfortable and confident in the knowledge that given half a chance, I would do exactly the same for them.
Each and every single one of these ladies is confident, strong, accomplished in her own right and secure within herself and has precious little time to worry about petty jealousies and meaningless competition, which result in these common myths and sayings about women not being able to get on and trust each other.
I have always believed that if one is confident within oneself, then there is no reason to question or diminish another’s confidence in order to build one’s own.
There will usually always be a sense of individual competition within a person who has a competitive nature, but this is not necessarily a bad thing, especially if that spurs you on to do better in your life or work and within your family. Nothing wrong with a good dose of healthy competition, but healthy being the operative word.
Many would say I enjoy some of it myself, and I would confirm that I encourage my daughter too, to develop it, but again, all within the confines of it enhancing rather than diminishing your daily life and happiness.
In the end, what’s most important and essential for personal growth is self empowerment, which in fact must actually come from within as opposed to fester and grow from out.
Emily V. Gordon sums it all up quite perfectly:
“Research tells us that women are compelled to level the playing field by any means necessary to make sure we have access to the best genetic material, but since these are not real concerns in our modern lives, our competitiveness becomes something a bit more private and understandable…That’s the third theory of female competitiveness that I’d like to propose: We aren’t competing with other women, ultimately, but with ourselves — with how we think of ourselves.
For many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter, something more.We don’t see the other woman at all…It’s a fun-house mirror that reflects an inaccurate version of who we are, but we turn on her anyway, because it’s easier.
But we don’t need to lower the stock of other women, either for the future of the species or for our own psyches. When we each focus on being the dominant force in our own universe, rather than invading other universes, we all win.”
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