5th Column

My dear Santa Claus,
I thought I must write to you as you prepare for your annual journey to Paradise to distribute gifts to those who deserve them. I hope you are not planning to use our train services to travel around in our lovely land because, like everything else here, you never know when they will work – and when they won’t!

I should tell you, Santa, that most of our long suffering people have finally got the gift they wished for – an election. There were doubts as to whether they would get it, with so many postponements, but finally that Mahinda chap (the one with the beard, not just the moustache), has declared one.

For the parties contesting the elections and those leading their campaigns, some gifts are desperately needed, Santa. I thought I should offer you some advice about them to make your task easier because you really shouldn’t be going by what is said on their posters which now adorn our walls.

Consider Wimal sahodaraya, for instance. Once upon a time he was making headlines wherever he went. Now, his own sahodarayas are deserting him, leaving him as virtually the only well-known member in his party. He could do with the gift of a few supporters to boost his numbers, Santa.

Another chap in a similar plight is, Ravi, the man who held the purse strings not so long ago. Although the Green Man still continues to humour him by giving him various tasks to do, he too appears to be an outcast within his own party. So, I think he could do with a gift or two.

What would you gift a man who has his million rupee rent paid for by someone else, you might ask? What he would ideally like is a Cabinet portfolio but that isn’t happening anytime soon. However, I can tell you what he would also like – a telephone from which no one can identify who called him.

You should also get a gift for the Dentist chap. What he would like best is to get rid of the GMOA – and the GMOA would like the gift of getting rid of him – but it would be a gift indeed if you can settle the plight of all our medical students, once and for all, despite the GMOA’s selfish demands.

While you are touring our beautiful country, don’t forget to spare a thought or two for Basil. Once branded as the architect for Mahinda maama snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at the last big election, they have somehow chosen him again to do all the hard work to set up the ‘pohottuwa’ party.

What Basil would really like as a gift is to get rid of all the cases pending against him. Even you can’t manage that, Santa, so for now, I have the perfect gift idea for him: can you please find someone capable enough to fill nomination forms correctly, so that they won’t be rejected at future elections.

As for Mahinda maama, he was arguing that a presidential election is due in about twenty months and we all wondered why he was so keen on such an election when he is barred from running for that office again. I think what he would like as a gift is that election, so he could get Gota to run for him.

What we would like as a gift from you is if you could convince Maithri to keep the promises he made at the last election. He promised us he wouldn’t run for the highest office again because it would be abolished, his supporters say he is their candidate and Maithri’s silence on the issue is deafening.

For Maithri himself, what he would like as a gift is to govern as he pleases without Mahinda maama snapping at his heels. He is already giving the gift of state minister positions to anyone who would accept them, but it seems that for every two MPs who join him, there is another one who resigns!

Finally, the Green Man will like the gift of getting rid of some in his team. He will be happy if you get rid of Ravi who held the purse strings, the big-mouthed Dentist, John who wants the Police at his beck and call, Wijey who resigned and the Field Marshal all of whom who do more damage than good!

Think about these gift ideas, Santa. While you are here, can you also buy some tea from us to give as gifts on your travels elsewhere? If not, we will be stuck with asbestos that is harmful, just because it comes from Russia with ‘love’, and Maithri and the Green Man don’t know how to say ‘no’ to Putin.

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: Our cricketers have already got the gift of a new coach this Christmas, but I think I know what would really help them – as well as all cricket fans. You could give them a tour of, say, Italy or Israel instead of India or Bangladesh and give us the gift of banning live telecasts of their games!