5th Column

My dear Maithri,
I didn’t think that I would be writing to you so soon after congratulating you on your third anniversary in the top job but the events of the past two weeks suggest that I must, especially because we are all quite confused about what is going on between the Blues and the Greens and you and the Green Man.

First, you gave another of your ‘address to the nation’ speeches. You told us that those found fault for tampering with the bonds of the big bank – and we all know who we are talking about, don’t we? – will be punished. Still, it was odd that you didn’t warn the Green Man beforehand of your plans.

Then, Maithri, we were all quite surprised when we heard that you had asked the top court whether there was any obstacle for you to stay in office for six years, instead of five. And you were the chap who frequently boasted that you were the only Head of State who reduced his term of office!

When everyone protested about you even asking that question, you made matters worse, saying you only raised the issue as there was a doubt. There may be a secret desire on your part but there was never any doubt in the 19th Amendment and any Advanced Level student could have told you that!

Assuming for the sake of argument that there was a doubt, what was odd was that no one knew you had raised the issue until it was done. Why was it all done in a hush-hush manner? If it was a genuine question that you had, you could have surely discussed it with the Greens and the Green Man?

If the Greens didn’t endorse you at the last election, you would have retired and not many would even remember you by now. Having got the top job with Green votes and then promised to abolish it, the Greens would have thought it was a common courtesy to let them know if you wished to stay on.

Anyway, we are fortunate the likes of Sarath – who are eager to please their political masters – are not on the bench of the top court now. They told you that there was absolutely no doubt that you were in the job for five years and no more. So, just by asking the question you only made the Greens angry.

One Green called you a pickpocket. Maybe that was harsh, coming from a backbencher to the highest in the land. But then, it was you who started this ‘pickpocket’ business comparing MPs in Parliament who were accusing each other of being thieves to a pickpocket shouting ‘hora, hora’ while on the run.

If we thought the drama was over then, we were wrong. We were told that, at the Cabinet meeting this week, you were carrying a tape recorder with you and you gave a piece of your mind about the Greens who were criticising you. Then you stormed out of the meeting, or so we were made to believe.

We agree with what you said – that you didn’t form a government to protect thieves. We also agree with what you did, appointing a commission to inquire into suspicious transactions. But, I am not sure whether the best way to go about it now is to behave like a kindergarten child throwing a tantrum.

First, we heard that some – including the Green Man – followed you out of the meeting, consoled you and brought you back to the meeting and it was business as usual thereafter. Then, the dentist tells us that nothing of that sort happened – and that you only left the meeting to answer a call of nature.

If we believe the dentist, Maithri, I congratulate you on attaining what other leaders – in nations with more mature democracies than ours – haven’t achieved. Your government is so honest and open that we now know when our Head of State goes to the toilet, how long he is there and who goes with him!

Those people who voted for ‘yahapaalanaya’ must be feeling that they got a lot more than they bargained for. They wanted you to find the culprits of the previous regime who were corrupt and put them behind bars. Instead of that, what they got is getting to know the toilet habits of their leaders.

Just when we thought we heard enough of your battles with the Greens, we heard the Green Man also making an ‘address to the nation’. There was a time when our leaders addressed the nation in times of a crisis. Now under ‘yahapaalanaya’, we must expect them to be as common as your calls of nature!

It has been an eventful three years, Maithri – and people don’t know what to do next. They can’t vote for the ‘pohottuwa’ because their misdeeds are fresh in their minds. Half the rogues in the Blue camp are still with you and the Greens have shown that they are rogues too. Ah, long live ‘yahapaalanaya’!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS – Just the other day, you said people were worried about when you would leave your job. You told us that you will leave the day you are able to punish corrupt politicians and put them in jail. What you are telling us is that you will be in your job forever, isn’t it, Maithri?