Columns

This is no joke, believe me. It is true of course that today is “All fools day” or “April fool” or whatever other appellation is attached to April 1. Today is the day when the media tries to get away by pulling the legs of their readers with fake news made to look 24-carat genuine. It all depends on how clever the writers are to concoct a story that is plausible enough to make readers believe it might well be true but is fake to its roots.

It is also the time of leg-pulling in offices and elsewhere with rib-tickling larks or annoying acts, but most of all in the politics of our great land. And remember our garrulous politicos never fail to hail the great achievements of our 2500 years of civilization as though they built all that with their own hands when the white man was still living on tree tops.

At least that was what President “Junius the genius” Jayewardene said when he fired a few barbs at the British envoy. It was on an occasion when the Queen’s representative tried to make out that we were not civilized enough by the white man’s standards or some such nonsense. The joke was that the envoy did not know “JR” well enough. If he did he would not have made such asinine and condescending remarks.

There is nothing wrong in recalling our hydraulic civilization, the achievements of our sculptors and creators of the civilization that our politicians never tire of extolling, if they made an iota of a contribution to preserve it or add to it. The problem is that politics itself is such a huge joke that one does not have to plan for the annual arrival of April 1 to have a good laugh and enjoy the antics of our elected lot.

But the truth is that governments and their institutions do not wait for the dawn of April 1 to pull somebody’s leg. Politicians and those who make up our successive governments have been playing jokes on the people from day one and to hell with April fool. True enough the joke is on the people who must endure this continuous farce for years. It is the people who must cough up the cash to keep these jokers (I mean those who turn governance into one long profitable joke) alive every time our great thinkers want to gift the denizens of Diyawanna Oya with new cars or money to run their offices apart from other genuine and not-so-genuine contributions to their coffers.

The Genu brigade joins Maskeliya's political battle

Some of today’s jokes or larks or whatever you wish to call them, are hardly a patch on the daily farce that passes for governance and similar inadequacies in Sri Lanka. It was only a few days ago that we saw the spectacle of democracy at work when the hills were alive with the sound of jeers, fisticuffs and the dull thud of flesh on flesh.

It all happened in this place called Maskeliya. It lived up to its name. The unusually long clips on TV showing at least two sides engaged in physical give and take which would not do much for the good of their anatomies, was a real “mas keliya”. As one viewer rightly muttered after witnessing a few scenes of a democracy trying to get to work such as pocketing any filthy lucre that might come their way, “Hari keliyak thamai mey.”

In the midst of all the throwing of stones and other missiles which thankfully had none of the hallmarks of Kim Jong-un and the smashing of windows there was this classic footage of a woman in saree caught in the frame taking a few running steps and hurling a pink-coloured (if I remember correctly) sandal as though it was a discus.

If the cameraman had a sense of humour he would have followed the slipper in the air to see what terrible damage it had done to the enemy or may be her own side.
Perhaps an untrained producer decided to delete this political landing from the news clip. That was unfortunate. A few more frames of the woman or the slipper making a controlled descent would have provided some evidence as to the identity of the slipper thrower. With Minister Faiszer Musthapha playing the role of the suffragette — and a poor one at that — she might well have been a new entrant to Musthapha’s years-long struggle to entice women into politics.

If this breed of female politician is to be injected into our grass roots democracy like glysophate in the hope they would represent honest politics that is another huge joke on the people. They have been acting as “collectors” for years on behalf of their politico husbands while playing private secretary to a minister or somebody lower down the ladder.

If the belligerence of the Maskeliya slipper thrower is any indication of the new breed of feline law-makers that are on the assembly line, it might be advantageous to take one of the first available flights out of Mattala (if any operate in that jungle paradise), never mind whether it is President Xi’s or Prime Minister Modis’ boys who are running it or will be doing so.

It was not clear whether the saree-clad participant in democratic politics was a new member of the Maskeliya Pradeshiya Sabha or an enthusiastic bystander determined to add her mite in support of her political side or was hurling the slipper at her husband for joining in the fray. If she is indeed a new entrant to politics and a part of Faiszer Musthapha’s “Genu Balaya” it would be interesting to watch her performance inside the chamber as well as outside.

But then it might be necessary to keep an eagle eye on how many pairs of slippers these new comers bring to the chamber as well as use outside. Even President Bush junior was not a safe shoe thrower but then he was a journalist. The Maskeliya democratic action does raise an interesting issue. Did the saree wearer go home with one slipper or did she retrieve her loss after the battle was won or lost? Given the kind of issue that seems to engage our political class these days that would surely figure somewhere at the top of the list.

On and off (mostly on) in the past three weeks I have been doing regular stake-outs watching the main road between Kirillapone bridge and Railway Avenue on the borders of Nugegoda to check on Transport Minister Nimal Siripala de Silva boastful efforts to tame our motorists and bring order on to our streets.
Remember how he announced Rs.25,000 fines for some traffic and road offences and other punishments to clean up the dangerous mess on our roads on which accidents claim several lives a day.

All this talk of road rules and safety on the streets was some time last year if I remember correctly. So when I came to Colombo to watch the annual cricket match between my alma mater and a government-run free school, I thought of putting Minister de Silva’s road clean-up to the test. I paraded that part of High Level road several times a day, morning and evening. If ever there was a joke perpetrated on the people of Sri Lanka who use different modes of transport, surely this was one of them.

There are traffic policemen – at times between 6-8, between Kirillapona and Balahenmulla road who stand at various points between the two, waving their hands and arms and whatever else they could get hold of while all around them traffic rules are being violated with impunity. Private buses continue to stop on the middle of the road or thereabouts to pick up passengers. They have horns that blow the ear drums off a motorist at 50 yards but nothing is done to control the use of these horns that private bus drivers use to drive everybody off the streets or to ban their use.

Is that because many of these buses and vans plying at breakneck speed and recklessly are said to be owned by politicos, policemen and others close to politicians.
Surely there should be a law to ban the use of these horn which would be more useful as a tsunami alert to warn people miles away. I watched motor-cylists and three-wheelers travel at speed on the pavements driving scared pedestrians on to the streets.

I’ve even seen a uniformed policeman with a school girl in uniform on the pillion overtake me on the left side get on the pavement, travel along it, then back into the line of halted vehicles, move along to the right side and then ride along like it is an everyday occurrence. I asked a policeman about the Rs. 25,000 fine waved about by Minister de Silva as though he had discovered some nidahana. He said it has still not been introduced. True or not I don’t know. In the meantime every conceivable road rule is broken even by the police.

If this is the way this country is governed then the people of Sri Lanka do not need to wait till April 1 to pull the legs of their friends and enemies. It is being done every day by a pack of jokers, however much they are shuffled surface again and again to hood wink their own voters, their own citizens. The Spanish inquisition had a variety of instruments that were used to dissuade dissenters and other rogues by putting them through the mill or rack. May be they should be restored. No doubt everybody from Geneva to Jasmine Sooka will blow their gaskets. It would probably help stiffen our judicial backbone.

This, of course, has to happen under their “own volition” as the foreign ministry would say for lack of a simple word in its vocabulary for resignation.
After all President Sirisena threatened to use his sword against the unfaithful and others. So why not against bus mudalalis and irritant motorists, never mind who.