5th Column

My dear Steve Smith, David Warner, Darren Lehmann and the Australian cricket team,
I thought I must write to you because the entire cricketing world is talking about you. That is after you were caught cheating, tampering with the cricket ball during a test match against South Africa. Steve and David, you have been suspended. Darren, you have resigned despite claiming to be innocent.

This news came as a shock to most of us – but it was not a surprise. That is because the Australian cricket team, while being great achievers over the years, have never won the hearts and minds of spectators. They were always seen as a team that wanted to win ‘at any cost’- and let me tell you why.

It was the Aussies who introduced ‘sledging’ to cricket. Of course, it was an euphemism for directing a barrage of verbal abuse at your opponents so that their concentration would fail and they would be dismissed. Other teams protested initially but you took no notice, because it served your purpose well.

Then there was that infamous ‘underarm’ incident involving your neighbours, New Zealand. When they required six runs off the last ball to tie the match, your then captain instructed his bowler to bowl the ball along the ground. You would argue that it was legal, yes, but it wasn’t exactly sportsmanship.

Then, who can forget your treatment of Murali? Your umpires ganged up on him and labelled him a ‘chucker’ although he had bowled everywhere else in the world and had no problem. If not for our own Captain Cool standing firm and standing by his man, the world would have lost its best bowler.

No one spared Murali then. Even your then Prime Minister, John Howard, weighed in to the debate saying he had no doubt that Murali was a chucker. Just imagine what it would be like if Maithri called you cheaters now – not that he will – but that would lead to a diplomatic row, wouldn’t it?

And what about the umpires who called Murali a chucker? One of them, Emerson, was to later admit that he did so at the insistence of your cricket officials. So, it looks as if the ball tampering last week was not the only time you planned and cheated – that had been a tradition of sorts for many years!

We also remember Darrel Hair, the other Aussie umpire who infamously no-balled Murali during a Boxing Day test. Years later, after Murali was vindicated, Hair was found guilty of stealing money from a liquor store. So, it seems as if not only your star players, but your umpires cheat too!

All this controversy about Murali erupted in Australia because, at that time, he was in a race with Shane Warne to become the greatest bowler of all time. And what became of Warne? He was banned for one year because he took an illegal drug – and said he took it because his mother gave it to him!

It was after all that, that we managed to beat you and win the World Cup. On that memorable night in Lahore, we felt that the rest of the world supported us not only because we were underdogs but because no one wanted you to win as you were perceived as bullies who would stop at nothing.

Darren, it took days for you to resign after last week’s scandal though it is unthinkable that you didn’t know what your team was up to. Now, we are being told that you are ‘innocent’ and that neither you nor your best bowlers knew that the ball was being tampered with, so that they would benefit!

We don’t have fond memories of you too, Darren. A few years after the World Cup win, you swore at us and called us ‘black’ when you were run out in a game against us. You should have been dealt with severely but escaped with being banned for a few games because we were content with an apology.

Because of all of this you are now facing a backlash, when you have been caught, not with your pants down but with that chap Bancroft putting sandpaper down his pants. All these years, the rest of the cricketing world were complaining, suffering at your hands, so don’t you start complaining now.

Steve and David, you have been asked to step down and Darren you have resigned but we heard the boss of your cricket Board is still keeping his job – and resignation hasn’t even crossed his mind. Well, at least in that we have something in common – our cricket boss also never resigns, no matter what!

So, Aussies, we hope you learn your lessons at least now. I suppose the great Don Bradman must be turning in his grave with everything that happened last week but even he must know that we cannot expect much more from a country populated with criminals deported from England!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS – You have been ‘champions’ for some time but last week’s events takes the gloss off that achievement. Maybe you can now become champions again, if they hold a World Cup for the world’s best cheaters. And, I’m sure Bangladesh will give you a good run for your money for that title!