5th Column

My Dear Thilanga,
I thought I must write to you when I heard that you are running for the top job at Sri Lanka Cricket once more. Cricket gives us more joy – or grief – than anything else that is happening in this paradise of ours, so I suppose it is fair to say that you are running for the most important job in this land!

Thilanga, I find it funny – and ridiculous at the same time – that one can be the leader of this country only twice but you can be the boss of Sri Lanka cricket again and again and again. Or, to put it more realistically, it now looks as if you will head Sri Lanka Cricket until the day when you are pushing up daisies!

I have heard you say you are not a betting man, Thilanga, but you really should try your hand at it because you have so much luck. Why, at the last general election, the people of Borella sent you home, but Maithri intervened and brought you to Parliament through the back door, from the National List.

Even recently, you told us that you would be quitting the government and joining the opposition, and as a result, you would be resigning as the chap who deputises for Karu. However now you tell us that Maithri hasn’t accepted your resignation and asked you to carry on, so he must really like you!

When it comes to your survival, you do play it safe, don’t you, Thilanga? We all know that you are close to Maithri, but that doesn’t mean you are distant from Mahinda maama and his ‘pohottuwa’ chaps either. Why, at the last big election, you even campaigned for him – and not for Maithri.

Even now, you have joined the gang of sixteen Blue chaps who have decided to sit in the opposition. Though they say that, it is an open secret that they are just marking time until they announce that they wish to “strengthen Mahinda maama’s hands”. So, you are keeping your options open, aren’t you?

You seem to have learnt a lesson or two from Mahinda maama too about contesting elections. We remember how Mahinda maama had a Maithri look-alike puppet candidate who was also a Sirisena, just so voters will be confused as to who the real Sirisena was. In fact, he came third in the contest!

For the elections at Sri Lanka Cricket, you have adopted a similar tactic. You have your faithful minion, Mohan, running alongside you. If it so happens that someone objects to you, you will withdraw, Mohan will win and you will be the puppet master who pulls Mohan’s strings. Ingenious!

In the recent past, you didn’t have to worry about someone objecting to you because Dayasiri of ‘Disce Aut Discede’ fame was in charge of sports. He turned a blind eye to whatever you did, even though we lost to Bangladesh and Zimbabwe, and Kohli doesn’t even bother to play against us.

That is also why Maithri ensured that, when the pack of jokers was reshuffled after Dayasiri joined the opposition ranks, his ministry remained with a Blue chap. So, he gave it to that Faiszer fellow, even though the Greens wanted it. Faiszer, as we all know, is an expert at postponing elections too!

Perhaps, that was for the best, Thilanga. As you know, Dayasiri has got his own share of problems to deal with these days. He is alleged to have accepted a million bucks from the bond scammers and now he would have a lot of explaining to do, what with the pohottuwa chaps chasing bond scammers.

Explain he did, telling us that there is nothing wrong in accepting that money because it is a tradition in this country for businessmen to help politicians. Though he accepted the money, he says he cannot remember how it was spent. It looks like Duminda has taught him the ‘mata mathaka ne’ defence!

You need to be careful, though. Captain Cool still has his sights firmly set on you. That is why brother Nishantha is also in the fray. In recent years, predicting the outcome of Sri Lanka Cricket elections have been easier than predicting the outcome of a Sri Lanka-India match, but the occasional upset can happen.

Aren’t cricketers taught that what matters is not whether you win or lose but how you play the game? While our cricketers certainly seem to be following that advice, what matters for you is only how you win, not how the game is played. So, you need not worry, Thilanga, you will of course win again!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS – We have heard you boasting that Sri Lanka Cricket made record profits this year, earning billions of rupees, even though we achieved record losses on the cricket field. So, maybe we should put you in charge of SriLankan Airlines, for example, so you can turn it around – and ask their bosses to take over Sri Lanka Cricket!