5th Column

My Dear US Ambassador Atul,
I thought I should write to you because everyone is talking about you when you are about to leave us after spending several years in Paradise. All those years, hardly anyone knew your name and your presence was not felt but all of a sudden, you have become the hot topic of conversation.

The reason for that seems to be a meeting you had with Mahinda maama. At that meeting you are reported to have made your thoughts known about Mahinda maama’s beloved malli, Gota. Uncle Sam wouldn’t like it very much if Gota became the next boss of Paradise, you are reported to have said.

To begin with, Atul, I must say that while this has been reported in the media, no one has confirmed or denied that such a discussion took place. All that both your embassy or Mahinda maama’s office would say is that you paid a courtesy call as an outgoing ambassador on our former President.

In fact, I think your embassy actually made matters worse. When they were asked whether such a discussion took place, they said that they cannot comment on what your chit chat with Mahinda maama was about. For many people, that was confirmation that the story was indeed correct!

Even when you were asked about this, you said that you had ‘no time’ to respond to all the inaccurate news stories that are circulating. Come, come, Atul, machang, your slip is showing: you could have used the time you spent giving that response to either confirm or deny the story – but you didn’t.

Being the seasoned diplomat that you are, you must know that the job of a diplomat is to lie abroad for the good of their country. So, we will understand even if you kept a straight face and told us that you said nothing of the sort. Better still, you could have said, Sri Lankan style, “I can’t remember!”

For many people the real issue is what was supposed to have been said. Here is Uncle Sam, which gives lectures to the rest of the world about democracy, human rights, the rule of law and what not, supposedly telling us in Paradise who we should – or rather, who we shouldn’t – elect as our leader.

We are not as advanced as Uncle Sam is but we do have democratic traditions that can rival – or even better – yours. Your people chose a businessman over a former first lady recently, so you still haven’t had a female leader but we produced the world’s first woman Prime Minister, nearly sixty years ago!

We hold elections regularly. We also change governments regularly. So, we in Paradise will make the decision as to who should lead us – although admittedly some of the recent choices we made proved to be disasters. Still, we don’t need every Tom, Dick and Harry telling us what to do or what not to do.

Besides, Uncle Sam has not made the best decisions in the countries they interfered in. You invaded Iraq on false pretences to get rid of Saddam. You got rid of Gaddafi in Libya. They were no angels but after their removal, those countries are torn by war now. Thankfully, we don’t have oil reserves!

How would Uncle Sam have felt if our envoy in Washington paid a “courtesy call” on the Republican Party chiefs and told them that running Donald for President was not a good idea, Atul? Of course, almost everyone knew that, but if we told you that, it wouldn’t have gone down too well, would it?

Anyway, what really is your definition of who is ‘good’ and who is ‘bad’? One day, Donald tells us that Kim is all evil and that he and his country should be wiped out from the face of the earth. The next day, they seem to be best friends, doing deals about nuclear disarmament. Ah, such consistency!

I don’t know whether you realise this, but you may have unwittingly done Gota a big favour. I can almost hear Wimal sahodaraya yelling from campaign platforms saying there is an ‘adhiraajyavaadi kumanthranaya’ or imperialist conspiracy against Gota – and that is certain to get him some votes.

What you may also have not realised is that Mahinda maama could have ‘leaked’ this story, knowing there will be a reaction which would be to Gota’s advantage. It is not for nothing that Satellite called Mahinda maama the ‘reporter’ when he was in her Cabinet – he is too shrewd for you Atul, machang!

Even though your stay in Paradise was relatively uneventful, you are leaving with a bang. We do wish you all the best but, in this instance we must say, with apologies to Voltaire, that we may approve or disapprove of what you supposedly said, but we will defend to death that you have no right to say it!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS – I heard that Mervyn has promised to leave the country if Gota becomes the big boss. With that statement, I think Gota has already got a head start of a few hundred thousand votes. Surely, having Gota as the big boss is a small price to pay if we can get rid of vermin Mervyn?