5th Column

My dear Modi,
I thought I should write to you because I assume you must be quite confused these days, what with our fellows here reportedly saying that Indian intelligence agencies want to assassinate them- and our PM turning up on your doorstep the very next day, saying “namastey, how are you?”

Now, there was a time when assassination plots and assassinations were quite common in Paradise. That was when the Tigers quite literally called the shots. Why, you would recall that the Tigers even assassinated one of your own PMs, in addition to our President and many of our ministers.

Though the assassinations have stopped, we in Paradise still seem quite obsessed by them and we now talk about assassination plots instead. In fact, the talk of the town is how a top Police officer was allegedly conspiring to assassinate Maithri and Gota, probably the next contenders for the top job!

If we are to believe everything that is being told to us, it seems that Maithri is a hot favourite among would be assassins. Why, one day he is the target of this top cop and the next day, he is the target of Indian intelligence agencies- it looks as if there is stiff competition among assassins for the task!

This is where you must be confused, Modi. Soon after the news was leaked that Maithri allegedly accused ‘RAW’ of trying to assassinate him, every man and his dog rushed to deny the story. Maithri even called you and said ‘aney ayya, mama ehema kiwwe nehe, hitan’ or, ‘Brother, I never said that’.

What we were told was that an assassination plot against Maithri was indeed discussed, so it is only the story that an Indian agency is involved that is being denied. You must be struggling to make sense of what is happening across the Palk Straits and I can assure you, we are as confused as you are.

That is because, a day after Maithri’s denial, the Indian newspaper which made the claim, stood by its story. It said it was checked with multiple sources before the story was published. So, we have a situation where either Maithri is lying or those who leaked the story- and the newspaper- is lying.

One of our ministers has even suggested that we should have a separate inquiry to find out who leaked the story- and who knows, Maithri might even appoint a special presidential commission to do just that. However, you are a smart politician, Modi, and I am sure you can come to your own conclusions.

In doing so, Modi, I you must ask yourself how four people leaked the identical story to the newspaper, if they were lying. We know that our politicians are clever at lying and do so on a regular basis but if this indeed a lie, it seems like a very well co-ordinated effort!

As to whether you should believe Maithri or the newspapers, I think you should consider this, Modi: this is the same Maithri who solemnly promised that he would abolish the Executive Presidency when he assumed office, but he has done nothing of that sort- though I am sure he is an honourable man.

In deciding who is telling the truth, you should also consider this, Modi: this the same Maithri who pledged that he would never run for high office ever again, but not only did he try to stay for one year more than he is entitled to, he is now trying to contest again. Yet, I am sure he is an honourable man.

In making your decision, it may also help you to consider this, Modi: this is the same Maithri who promised that he will act against the rogues of the previous regime and put them behind bars. Now, as far as we can see, they are still in our Parliament- but I am sure he is still an honourable man.

Finally, if you are in any doubt, you must take this into account, Modi: this is the same Maithri who addressed the nation before the last general election and swore that he would never appoint Mahinda maama as his PM but now he is trying best to do so- and I am sure he remains an honourable man.

When you consider all this, Modi, I am sure you can make up your mind about who is in fact telling the truth. As for those of us in Paradise, we don’t have many doubts because, after so many years of being lied to by so many people, most of know who is lying and who is telling the truth!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS- I heard you met the Green Man yesterday while he was visiting your country. Now, I hope you didn’t ask him what really happened at that meeting where Maithri is alleged to have made that assassination claim. The Green Man won’t be able to tell you because he doesn’t know whether he is coming or going, although most people feel that soon, it will be going, going, gone for him too!