It’s the time of year to take stock of yourself
Every new year brings with it new hopes and ambitions. It creates a “clean slate” for many of us to set our goals or start anew. This article focuses mainly on character development which reinforces goal formation and achievement. Personal character development requires us to be introspective as well as step outside our comfort zone in the pursuit of enhancing the value of our lives. It is an investment in ourselves and it should be a continuous life-long process.
Who are you actually?
Take stock of yourself. Your strengths, weaknesses and strengths that could be weaknesses if taken to excess. Get to know your temperament. Be brutally honest. What upsets you? How do you stand up for your rights? How do you relate to others? Keep asking questions of yourself till you get a frank snapshot view of your characteristics that make you essentially who you are.
What would you like to be?
Ask yourself the question as to what personality trait/s or acquisition of skills would have the greatest positive impact in your life. Is it mastering a skill or more complex such as conquering a phobia, breaking a bad habit or altering a personality trait?
Getting started
When you have taken the time to get a self-appraisal, it is easier to be pragmatic. Accept and reconcile yourself with the past.You have to work alongside your temperament, present limitations and disabilities and then move beyond. Learn to be a balanced optimist.
Understand goal setting Acquiring a skill
In acquiring a skill, it is essentially one of self-motivation and self-discipline. Set a routine to get yourself started. When you are more relaxed in what you are doing, set measurable indicators to monitor your progress.
If the skill first involves conquering a phobia to master it, be patient with yourself. Don’t expect perfection but gradual progression over time. Accept the anxiety. Paradoxically being aware of your feelings and thoughts allows you to detach yourself from them and helps break the anxiety cycle. Learn anxiety management techniques. Face whatever you are afraid of in small doses and desensitize yourself gradually. Or at the other extreme, if you are sufficiently confident that you are capable of surviving the ordeal , experience the fear wholeheartedly once and for all and vanquish it like beginner swimmers who are asked to hold their breath and jump into the deep end of the swimming pool.
Reversing a bad habit
Bad habits, especially those which are enjoyable, are often difficult to discard. There may be no palpable harmful consequences in the short term, but insidiously, in the long term, these habits have a deleterious effect on your well being such as having a craving for fast food or smoking. We are aware of the impact of our bad habit and yet we are resentful when we make a commitment to arrest the habit.
In ‘Optimizing the Infinite Mind”, Dr. Erantha de Mel speaks of the internal conflict within ourselves. A part of us wants to do something and another part wants to do the opposite. When the battle is between two parts of oneself one can never win and attempting to solve this type of conflict by suppressing one side creates a no-win situation. According to Dr. De Mel, it is necessary to identify those conflicting parts and then work on integrating them together under a common intention. According to him, every action at a subconscious level has a positive intention. Hence, it is imperative to unearth the ‘positive intention’ of the behaviour you wish to avoid to find a viable solution. Root out the reason as to why you engage in a particular form of behaviour. Once the real reason for engaging in a particular form of behaviour is identified, it is easier to come up with an alternative positive solution.
It takes enormous will power to stop doing something enjoyable. Experts say that will power is like a muscle that has to be gradually strengthened.Therefore, don’t put temptation in your way initially.
Effecting a behavioural change
A behavioural change not only involves you, but also others with whom you interact. How do you typically respond to different life situations? It is important to identify your own triggers and behavioural modes to a given stimulus let it be in the form of a situation or an individual.
If your rights are being violated even covertly or your peace of mind is disturbed, you must opt for a different behavioural mode. Don’t rationalize any unhealthy behaviour either from yourself or from others. From an objective point of view, if an action is unhealthy and it causes an injustice, label it so and learn to take appropriate action. There may be times when you will feel guilty about effecting a behavioural change. Even though your intention to achieve a goal is clear, you may still have an internal conflict within yourself. Therefore, be prepared to work on your beliefs.
Identify all irrational beliefs which stem from early childhood perceptions and acquired judgments. Examine all the negative consequences of holding on to your irrational beliefs. As said “In Power of Emotional Choice’ (Gary D. McKay, PHD, Don Dinkmeyer, Ph.D), one has the option of re-interpreting decisive life experiences and reframing challenges. One has the freedom to choose new purposes, beliefs and feelings and act on them. Therefore, be emotionally mindful.
In ‘The Heart of Buddhist Meditation’, Nyanaponika Thera stresses the importance of paying attention to one’s thoughts as they arise. In doing so, one is able to better understand one’s strengths and weaknesses. Calling a harmful thought at once by its proper name ( example, ‘in me is the hindrance of agitation’) will produce an inner resistance to those qualities. The unemotional and brief form of mere registering will often prove an effective way, as a first step towards eliminating negative thoughts. Substitute your habitual unproductive response with a considered positive choice which will result in a new behavioural pattern. Take responsibility for your actions : Respect your rights and the rights of others.
Monitoring progress
Don’t be too obsessed with results. First get started. Work at a comfortable pace. Giving yourself deadlines may be counterproductive especially if you are attempting to get rid of a bad habit or effect a behavioural change. It will be a process of trial and error. Have the courage to be imperfect. You will learn to fine-tune your programme along the way. Each personal victory will boost your confidence. Marshall Goldsmith in ‘Triggers: Sparking positive change and making it last’, recommends keeping a daily log book to monitor progress. He recommends grading yourself for your effort: Are you doing your best? Are you promoting happiness in yourself and others?
Don’t sabotage your success
After effecting a positive change, it is still important to monitor yourself. Otherwise, there is always the possibility of a relapse. Once the positive change becomes habitual, you will respond instinctively. It is also vital to give your mind and body time to rest. Whatever you achieve should not be to the detriment of your overall health. Incorporate an exercise and meditation programme into your daily life style. And finally, enrich yourself spiritually. It will give you a balanced perspective of life.
Conclusion
We improve ourselves by acquiring skills, conquering phobias, changing habits and in being gentle with ourselves. And it is a lifelong process.Each life encounter gives us a new opportunity of getting a better perspective of ourselves. Along the way, there may be pitfalls when you least expect it. Accept the fact that life is not always fair, learn from your mistakes and keep moving in the right direction. As observed by Charles Darwin, “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one responsive to change.” Therefore, accept responsibility for all your actions and you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you truly achieved and offered your best.