Relationships:Keeping the four Horsemen at bay
Man is by nature a social animal – Aristotle
Hell is other people – Jean-Paul Sartre
The above are two contrasting views from two great philosophers. I suppose both views are correct depending on circumstances or the persons concerned. Moving from philosophy to science do we have a body of research evidence on relationships?
A nondescript white building in downtown Seattle, Washington is the Relationship Research Institute. Also known as the Love Lab it was started by Dr John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships. Now retired from the University he runs the Gottman Institute in Seattle with his third wife Julie – yes, he got it right on the third attempt. He dated over 60 women for over six weeks and number 61 was Julie, his current wife of over 30 years.
In his Love Lab, Gottman systematically studied married couples videotaping and coding every detail of the couple’s interaction with mathematical precision. His initial findings were published in his book Principia Amoris (this book is more for the professional and the reader will find his other books such as The Science of Trust or Why Marriages Succeed or Fail easier to read). Gottman became famous when he was cited in Malcolm Gladwell’s bestselling book Blink. To quote Gladwell, “On the basis of those calculations, Gottman has proven something remarkable. By analysing an hour of a husband and wife talking, he can predict with 95 per cent accuracy whether that couple will still be married 15 years later. If he watches a couple for 15 minutes, his success rate is around 90 per cent.” How does he do it?
After analysing thousands of couples, he found that the ‘masters’ of relationships (couples that stayed together happily) were more appreciative of one another compared to the ‘disasters’ of relationships (couples that separated or stayed together unhappily). The ratio of the number of seconds of positive to negative emotions during a conflict for the disasters compared to the masters were 1 to 5. For happy stable couples, there was a 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio of emotions.
Gottman identifies four main negative communication patterns that predict divorce. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling – the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse after the New Testament reference to the forces–conquest, war, hunger, and death that would destroy Earth before the end of time.
Horseman 1- Criticism
Criticism is not the same as a complaint. A complaint is about specific issues whereas criticism is more global and attacks the character of the person. It is important to learn the difference between the two. Here are two examples to illustrate the difference. The husband has returned late from office and forgotten to inform his wife.
Complaint: “I was worried when you were getting late and didn’t call. I thought you had agreed to call when you had to stay back late in office.”
Criticism: “I don’t believe that you are that forgetful. You are just selfish and never think of me.”
Do you see the difference? Criticism attacks the entire person and leaves him hurt and rejected. Don’t worry too much if you recall a few incidents of criticism in your relationships. The problem arises when criticism becomes persistent and pervasive. When that happens, it paves the way for the other horsemen to follow.
Horseman 2 – Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the typical response to criticism. Though we are all guilty of this some time in our relationships it is always present and pervasive when a marriage is foundering. When we feel unjustly attacked, we give excuses (“I was busy today”), counter-attack (“You don’t always tell the truth either”) or play the innocent victim (“I can never do enough for you”). None of these strategies is likely to be successful as the partner will probably feel either hurt or ignored. The better approach would be to accept at least part of the blame (“I am sorry I forgot. Let me attend to that right away”).
Horseman 3 – Contempt
This third horseman is deadlier than the first two. When we talk contemptuously to a person, we become mean, sarcastic and mocking. The recipient is made to feel worthless. Contempt goes beyond criticism in that it assumes a position of moral superiority. Here is an example of contemptuous communication. “You are stressed! If you had half the stress that I am having with all the housework I have to do, having to look after your mother and the children, you will be dead.”
As an interesting aside, research shows that contemptuous couples are more likely to suffer from infections such as colds and flu, due to a weakened immune system. The master couples were almost never contemptuous. Instead, they treated each other with respect. They noticed when their partners were doing something right or nice and showed appreciation. The masters were always looking out for things to appreciate whereas the disasters were always looking for other people’s mistakes and were ever ready to offer “constructive criticism.”
Contempt is the single most important predictor of divorce and must be eliminated for a relationship to flourish.
Horseman 4 – Stonewalling
Stonewalling is usually a reaction to contempt. The listener stops listening and withdraws from the conversation. The person may do so by tuning out, turning away or, acting busy by engaging in distracting tasks. What do you do when you feel psychologically overwhelmed by the conversation and feel like stonewalling? Stop the discussion and take a break. Say politely, “I am feeling too angry to have a conversation right now. Can we please take a break and come back to it later?” Then take around 20 minutes to do something to calm yourself such as reading a book, going for a walk or run. Do not spend this time ruminating on all the negative aspects of your partner. You can return to the conversation once you feel calmer.
Here, in summary, are the antidotes to the Four Horsemen. The antidote for criticism is a gentle start up rather than a harsh one. Complain without blame and use “I” rather than “You.” Express your need in a positive way. For defensiveness, the antidote is to accept responsibility even for part of the problem. Contempt is taking a position of moral superiority. Here the antidote is to appreciate often even in small doses. The regular expression of respect, affection and positive feelings for your partner will act as a buffer for negative feelings. Remember the magic ratio of 5 to 1 of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to flourish? Finally, the antidote for stonewalling is to call a time out and spend that time in an activity that is mentally soothing.
Now you know about the Four Horsemen and how to counteract them. Look out for them, be vigilant and keep them at bay and your relationships will flourish. Here is a quote from Benedictus: A Book of Blessings by John O’Donohue to remind that you have to make a start rather than waiting for your partner.
“Now is the time for one of you to be gracious,
To allow a kindness beyond thought and hurt.”