News
Agree to disagree… and thus ended the first ever presidential debate
View(s):
This week, we bring you the transcript of the much-awaited live debate between the main candidates at the presidential election. In attendance were Sajith Premadasa (SP), Gotabaya Rajapaksa (GR), Anura Kumara Dissanayake (AKD) and Mahesh Senanayake (MS). Moderating the debate is Mahinda Deshapriya, better known to the audience as ‘MaKo’.
MaKo: Good evening everyone, this is a historic occasion because this is the first time ever that we are having a debate among presidential candidates in this country even though we have had many presidential elections — and it was difficult to organise this one, too.
SP: That is because GR didn’t want to attend and wanted to send Namal baby instead. Then when he finally agreed, he wanted a teleprompter to assist him. How did you get him to agree to the debate, MaKo?
MaKo: Oh, I just told him that he is only one among thirty-five candidates and that he won’t have to talk much. I assured him that it won’t be like that press conference and that there won’t be any pesky Indian journalists asking tricky questions.
GR: I am happy to answer any question from anyone, Indian or otherwise, although it would have been helpful if I had the questions beforehand, so I could get them checked by my ‘Viyath Maga’ team.
MaKo: Let us first ask SP, if you are elected, what would your first priority be?
SP: I have always said that helping the poor is my priority but to do that, I have to first take full control of my party, which is in a bit of a mess these days with people saying they will withdraw from the campaign and then being threatened with expulsion and others saying ‘I will still be Prime Minister’. I will have to get rid all of these people and clean up the party before doing anything else.
MaKo: What would your first priority be, GR?
GR: I have been saying that my priority is ensuring the safety of the nation. That means I have to ensure the safety of my family first. So, my priority will be to get loku aiya and podi aiya their due places in the government. I will have to do something for Basil malli, too, because he can’t enter Parliament as he is American. However, I can’t leave him out because starting the ‘pohottuwa’ party was his idea. Maybe I can make him the Governor of the Central Bank — like what was done by SP’s party.
MaKo: What about you, AKD?
AKD: Does it really matter, anyway? We have been doing this for many years but we rarely get more than half a million votes, despite the Blues, the Greens and now the Purples being as unpopular as they are. So, my priority will be keeping my job as party leader.
MaKo: MS, do you have any idea what your priorities are?
MS: No, because I have as much a chance of winning as the UNP had of winning in Elpitiya. However, I might be lucky and, if the correct person wins, I might be rewarded for helping to ‘split’ votes and be made a Field Marshal, like another Army Commander who contested the election before me was.
MaKo: SP, why do you think you will win this election?
SP: GR and his team are behaving as if they have already won the election. MR has already said he will be PM, SB has said he will be a Cabinet minister and Cabraal is talking as if he is the Governor of the Central Bank again. With everyone thinking that GR has already won, I think even his supporters won’t go to the polling booths to vote for him. So, we can win easily.
GR: You don’t have to worry about that. We know how to get voters to the polling booths, just as we know how to get people to attend our meetings. I will win this election because people are sick and tired of what your lot have been doing for the past four and half years, which is nothing except to steal bonds from the Central Bank and fight with Maithri.
SP: I was not fighting with Maithri which is why he offered me the PM’s post.
GR: Is that why your Cabinet has approved such a generous retirement package for him?
SP: No, that is just to ensure that he remains quiet and won’t meddle in our party’s affairs anymore. Your party won’t be so lucky, however, because you have signed an agreement with the Blue party — or what is left of it.
MaKo: I don’t think we should drag Maithri in to this. He has said he will remain ‘neutral’.
SP: That only means that he doesn’t want to get on GR’s platform and sing the praises of the brother of the man he vilified during his last campaign!
AKD: I am no fan of what MS did and what happened in the past four and a half years, but that may still be better than the previous years, when everyone connected to the family was robbing the country…
GR: If we did so, you had four and a half years to catch us, punish us and put us behind bars. Why didn’t you do so?
SP: I think we know now why we were not able to do so. We had a Bribery Commissioner who didn’t want to prosecute offenders and a Solicitor General who had the same problem. To add to it all, we had a Justice Minister who now says he prevented you from being arrested — possibly because he shares the same name with you!
MaKo: GR, how do you think you can win this election when it looks as if very few people in the North and East will vote for you — and they have always been a decisive factor?
GR: Ah, that is easy. Do you remember what happened in 2005? We knew that would happen then as well and we had our chaps getting Prabhakaran to call for a boycott in the North and East. So, we have our ways and means. Remember, I am a man who gets things done!
SP: Of course, they have their way of achieving their targets but remember, you are not dealing with the old Green leadership any more, you are dealing with me and if there is one thing I learnt from my father, it is that no challenge is too difficult if one works hard. And I am his Punchi Putha.
GR: We can see that you have already roped in CBK. Good luck with that. Please get her on your platform. She may be the daughter of the founder of the SLFP but every time she speaks, it will remind the people of how she governed the country and that will gain a few votes for us.
SP: Well, that is what you thought four years ago too — and what happened then is part of history now. Anyway, if you think we are losing votes by getting CBK, we have given you Wasantha. He may be the great grandson of the founder of the UNP but whenever he speaks against us, he will gain a few votes for us.
AKD: And we have sent Wimal sahodaraya over to GR’s side. Whenever he opens his mouth, he too must be causing GR to lose votes because of the low level he stoops to.
MS: What about Welgama? He too is opposing you, GR?
GR: (after instinctively turning around and looking for MR) Don’t worry, we will solve that problem when the time comes. He says he still worships the ground podi aiya walks on, so I am sure we can come to some arrangement with him.
MS: I hope you won’t make the same arrangement that you made for Lasantha or Thajudeen. (laughs).
MaKo: It would be good if everyone refrains from making unsubstantiated allegations. I love all the publicity I can get but I don’t like being a witness in a defamation case.
SP: Why is it that I am criticised for every word that I say, GR? Your chaps criticise me when I say I will sleep less, you criticise me when I say I am willing to die for the people. Is it because you can’t criticise my policies?
GR: How can we criticise your policies when we don’t know what they are? Your manifesto came out only a couple of days ago, after the postal voting was over.
MaKo: Gentlemen, it is time for your final statements, let us know your final thoughts.
GR: I have nothing more to say. Everyone tells me that, with the SLFP and the ‘pohottuwa’ coming together, this contest will be similar to what our cricket team is going through in Australia these days…
SP: For once, I agree with GR, because, being the great patriot that he is, I believe he must be identifying himself with the Sri Lankan team and not the Australians.
AKD: If that is the case, I might find myself making crucial decisions and influencing the eventual outcome as the ‘third umpire’.
MaKo: Good night, gentlemen, we hope to see you again next week where you can make your final arguments to the public.