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More hot air than light at the final presidential debate
Today, we bring you the second and final debate between presidential candidates, Sajith Premadasa (SP), Gotabaya Rajapaksa (GR), Anura Kumara Dissanayake (AKD) and Mahesh Senanayake (MS) with Mahinda Deshapriya (MaKo) as the moderator.
MaKo: Thank you gentlemen for attending again, this is you last chance to make an impression…
SP: I nearly didn’t make it because power had been cut off and it was quite dark when I tried to land my chopper, but here I am.
GR: If only you gave me a call, I would have told those chaps controlling the Urban Council not to switch off the power supply like they did in Kurunegala
AKD: SP, you shouldn’t be worried about helicopters being allowed to land.
SP: Why shouldn’t I be worried? How else can I get here?
AKD: Well, you are saying that when you become President, it will be the end of luxury cars and vehicle permits for ministers. So, surely, you can’t be worried about helicopters?
SP: Exactly; you will notice that I didn’t say anything about not giving them helicopters!
GR: Now that you are here, can you tell us why you suddenly made an ‘Address to the Nation’?
SP: That is because some people were saying that ‘whoever wins, I will still be Prime Minister’.
MS: So, who will be Prime Minister if you win?
SP: I have said who it will not be, haven’t I?
MS: You have only said it will be a new, first time Prime Minister.
SP: So, it will not be someone who has been Prime Minister before. I know that most people will get the message now.
AKD: You may say that to please some of your party leaders who want the job, but you can’t just go and do that neda?
SP: This is not about making certain people happy. This is about winning the election. People are asking why they should vote for me, when someone goes around saying that he will still be Prime Minister.
AKD; But he’s your party leader and your party leader is the head of the parliamentary group nisa. Your annual convention voted him party leader for the next so many years.
GR: So, I have got an extra vote now.
SP: What do you mean by that?
GR: If your leader thinks you want to sack him as PM if you win, he will be voting for me because, if I win, there is still a small chance that, at least until the general election, he could continue as PM. And, if I win you won’t be able to get rid of him as the leader of the Green party for the next twenty-five years.
AKD: Well, in return, you can be sure that Chandrika will not be voting for you, GR. She has even said so.
SP: Chandrika’s support for me is quite ironical and people will realise the significance of that.
AKD: What do you mean by that?
SP: Why, thirty years ago, which was when the Greens last won a presidential election, her mother ran against my father. Yet, here she is today, supporting me against someone who emerged from her own party. Doesn’t that give a strong message?
GR: I would prefer to win without Chandrika’s votes- and she doesn’t have that many left. We all know that she is asking people to vote for SP because of her rivalry with podi aiya, which goes back many decades when they were both vying to get ahead of each other in the Blue party.
MS: What are your thoughts about Welgama, then? He was an ardent fan of your podi aiya?
SP: He has made it clear that he won’t be voting for you, GR. He also said he can’t publicly say who people should vote for but he thinks they would know who that is. I think that would be me.
GR: You might get a few votes from Kalutara but I am sure I can win there, thanks to the nonsense that Rajitha is regularly uttering.
MaKo: Gentlemen, I think it would help voters more if we discuss broader policy issues here, rather than discussing who certain individuals would vote for.
SP: Are you trying to tell us what we should be talking about, just like you were trying to tell ITN what they should not be broadcasting? I wont agree to any conditions, you know.
AKD: MaKo, why don’t you adopt the same standards for the private television stations that are functioning as ‘Gotavahini’? Are you also developing a, ‘aathathiya’ or tension like your predecessor? Will you also suddenly disappear for a few hours on the night of the election? Or are you pretending to be ‘neutral’ like you-know-who?
MaKo: I had to deal with ITN because they call themselves an ‘independent’ television network.
AKD: Their complete name now is the Government Owned Business Undertaking of Independent Television Network. The PM’s brother who started it. Their own uncle JR took it over. If it remained private, they would have been another “Gotavahini’.
MaKo : The others don’t claim to be independent, so why should I worry about them?
GR: SP, even if you win, I’m afraid you won’t be able to form a government. You yourself said so.
SP: What do you mean?
GR: Why, you said that you won’t include anyone with allegations of corruption in your Cabinet. Look around you. There will be very few people who would then be eligible to be in the Cabinet. You might not be able to fill the 30 cabinet posts.
SP: Haven’t you heard that people are presumed innocent until they are found guilty?
GR: Of course, I have. If not for that principle, I wouldn’t be here, would I?
SP: Anyway, it will be a tough contest if we try to decide who is more corrupt, GR: those around you or those around me!
AKD: GR, why are you getting monks to stage fasts unto death against this MCC agreement?
GR: Well, I happened to ask Rathana hamuduruwo and Wimal how we could gain some cheap publicity from the MCC. Being experts on fasts unto death, they suggested this.
MS: Doesn’t it however look silly when someone who has been a citizen of America until a few months ago opposes an agreement with the Americans?
SP: I think I can understand why GR opposes an agreement with the Americans. What he is saying is that you don’t need a separate agreement with the Americans, if you already have someone who claims to be an ex-citizen of America as President, what’s the problem isn’t it.
GR: SP, regardless of whether you sell the country to the Americans or not, you are trying to do a deal with the TNA.
SP: I think they took a look at the options they had. They decided that the known devil was so dreadful that he had to be worse than the unknown angel. So, they chose to support me- and now your people are trying to say that I am doing a deal with them- and thank you for saying that.
GR: Our propaganda will cost you a lot of votes, so why are you thanking me?
SP: Oh, I like it when your chaps do my propaganda work for me. Don’t forget that people in the South may or may not believe your claim that I am trying to do a secret deal with the TNA, but each time you say that, I will gain a few votes more in the North and East. Each time you insult me with nicknames for talking about women’s issues, I will also gain a few more female votes, so I have to thank you for that too.
GR: Well, there are issues for which I have to thank you too, SP.
SP: And what issues are those?
GR: Why, it looks as if that Sajin chap is now doing you a few favours by talking to the media against us.
SP: I have nothing to do with him; he is only spilling the beans about what happened during your brother’s days.
GR: Isn’t it strange that, after all these years, he decides to do so now? With him around, just be careful when you are choosing your next High Commissioner to London.
MaKo: Gentlemen, do you think you should educate voters about marking their second preferences?
MS: I think it would be good if you could do that; without second preferences, I might get an embarrassingly low number of votes.
AKD: We have already educated our voters.
SP: Yes, thank you for that. Lalkantha sahodaraya has said that those who vote for you should mark their second preferences to anyone but GR, so those preferences will come to me too.
GR: Well, AKD, you were not called the red baby elephant for nothing.
AKD: You can insult me if you want but one has to only expect that from you because one of your promises is to introduce ballot papers in Braille.
GR: What is wrong with that?
AKD: Of course, there is nothing wrong with that but it just goes to show that only those without a vision will vote for you.
GR: Yes, and your party’s vision just cannot get any traction from the public. Why is that?
MaKo: Gentlemen, Gentlemen, it is now time for your final message to the voters.
MS: I have done as I was asked to; I hope those who asked me to do so will keep their promises. I have nothing more to say.
AKD: All I can say is that, by this time next week, I hope I would have got enough votes so that people won’t be asking why I contested at all.
GR: By this time next week, the only thing I would be worried about is whether we can get you-know-who out of the President’s House and pack him off to Polonnaruwa.
SP: I think I just got confirmation of my victory: Wasantha has joined your campaign, so you can kiss goodbye to your chances, GR.
MaKo: Thank you, gentlemen. Who knows, I might still be here when I see you again for a similar debate in 2024!