Are you listening?
A recent US study showed that on average doctors listen for only 11 seconds before interrupting their patients. Other studies have shown that a doctor who listens for one minute silently elicits significantly more quality information. Outside a doctor’s office listening is an important aspect of human interaction. With the rise of digital media and a corresponding increase of passive screen watching listening has become a dying art. Teenagers are less likely to go out and spend time with friends. They are spending more and more time glued to their screens whether it be a phone, laptop or tablet. Studies show that children who spend excessive time on social media are significantly more likely to be depressed compared to their peers who spend less time on media platforms.
Of all our senses listening is primary. It is our earliest sense. You begin to listen before you are born. Foetuses respond to sound by 16 weeks. When you die it is the last sense to go. Would you prefer to be deaf or blind? You might opt for deafness as the preferred disability. But there is evidence that persons who lose their hearing later in life suffer significant emotional, cognitive and behavioural effects. Here is what Helen Keller, a person who was both deaf and dumb, had to say on the subject. “I am just as deaf as I am blind…Deafness is a much worse misfortune.”
But don’t mistake hearing for listening. They are not the same. Hearing is passive but listening is active. An active listener is focussed and processes the information coming from the speaker. Active listening takes effort.
‘You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing And Why It Matters’ is the new bestselling book by New York science journalist Kate Murphy. Here are some useful tips on listening from her book.
For a start, you should avoid these bad listening behaviours: Interrupting, vague or illogical responses to what was just said, looking at the phone, watch or around the room instead of the speaker, and fidgeting (tapping on the table, shifting position). If you are doing any of these behaviours just stop. That alone won’t make you a good listener but it will help.
If you are talking to someone who you perceive as dull, how do you make the conversation interesting? The problem maybe you, not the other person. Studies show that when talking to inattentive listeners the speakers give less information and are less articulate. Remember times when you spoke to persons who were not paying attention? You knew they were distracted by the glazed look in their eyes, their non-committal answers and body posture. What happened? You probably started giving irrelevant and excessive information and eventually, the conversation would have petered out and you walked off feeling upset or annoyed.
If you want to have an interesting conversation be curious. Most persons who appear dull at first sight become interesting once you find out more about them. All human beings are fascinating once you know more about them. As the Roman poet Terence once said, “I am a man, I consider nothing that is human alien to me.” You will not find out more about people by interrogating them but by active listening.
Another interesting point from Kate Murphy’s book: You may actually listen more to a stranger than a person close to you. That may sound counter intuitive but it is true. According to Judith Coche, a couple therapist, people in long-term relationships lose their curiosity of each other. They feel they know each other well and do not need to ask questions or listen too closely. In psychological jargon, this is called the closeness-communication bias. Familiarity leads us to overestimate our ability to understand those close to us. This can happen between not only couples but parents and children, work colleagues and friends. We should not rely too much on the past to understand someone in the present. People grow up, people change. Listening and remaining curious is important to keep on par with these changes.
According to British evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, we can realistically manage only around 150 people in our social network. This number is known as Dunbar’s number. Within this number, there are increasing levels of intimacy. The innermost group consists of three to five people of really intimate family or friends whom you could rely on for help in times of trouble. You would interact with this circle on a daily basis. The next circle is a group of around ten people and will require weekly interactions to maintain. The outer circles are casual friends whom you might meet on occasion. The exceptions to this rule are long-standing friends such as your schoolmates with whom you have forged deep relationships. When you meet such persons even after a long interval you will immediately feel a sense of intimacy. This is due to the memory bank of deep listening which you invested many years ago. Overall listening is a crucial part of maintaining healthy circles of intimacy. If you are interested in more details read Dunbar’s interesting book: How Many Friends Does One Person Need: Dunbar’s Number and Other Evolutionary Quirks.
Once Lady Randolph Churchill, Winston Churchill’s mother was asked after a dinner party her opinion of two brilliant British politicians Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone. She replied, “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman.” What was the difference between the two men? Both were excellent conversationalists but Disraeli was the supreme listener, solicitous inquiring of the person he was talking to. He was the master of what sociologist Charles Derber described as the support response. This is in contrast to the shift response where attention is directed back to the speaker.
Here are examples of a shift response and a support response.
Sunil: I lost my phone last week.
Seetha: I lost my phone last month and it was such a hassle finding out all the phone numbers I lost. (shift response)
Sunil: I lost my phone last week.
Seetha: O dear. Did you manage to find it? (support response)
Derber describes shift response as a type of conversational narcissism where a person who is self-centred prevents opportunities for connection. Be truly curious about the other person and ask open-ended questions without subtly trying to impose your views. For example, asking “How did you feel?” is different from asking “Did you feel angry?” in the latter you are hinting at what you might have felt in that situation.
Another bit of advice from Kate Murphy from the book by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell, There Is No Good Card For This: What To Say And Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, And Unfair To People You Love. When people become uncomfortable with other’s emotions they attempt to solve or explain away problems rather than listen.
So, when someone comes to you with problem resist the urge to immediately start suggesting solutions or minimise his or her concerns. To quote Kate Murphy, “Whether it’s your child, romantic partner, friend, colleague, or employee who comes to you with a personal problem, if you ask open and honest questions and listen attentively to the answers, it communicates, ‘I am interested in hearing more from you,’ and ‘your feelings are valid’.”
Happy and active listening. If you are keen to learn more on the subject please read Kate Murphy’s book. It is well worth the read.