5th Column

My dear Coronavirus,

I thought I must write to you because the entire world is talking about you. You seem to have brought the planet to a halt with your infection. What I wanted to write to you about though, was the effect you were having on us, the brave citizens of Paradise, who don’t seem to take much notice of you.

There was a time, when you decided to attack humankind by starting your epidemic in China, when you had us worried. The impact on the rest of the world was not that significant at that time but we in Paradise were scared you will destroy us, so we took every possible precaution to remain safe.

There was the Chinese tourist who fell victim to you while in Paradise. We took care of her and saw to it that she was cured. Our ‘Devi’ even made an appearance and gave her a hug when she was released from hospital. What’s the risk of an infection if you can get your face in the news, after all?

Why, we even sent a special aircraft to Wuhan in China and retrieved a few dozen of our citizens who were stranded there and were one of the first countries to do so. At that time, everyone was happy because, after a few years of no one being in proper control, matters were being dealt with properly.

Then, you escalated your attack on the world in places as far flung as Italy, Iran and Korea. People began dying by their hundreds. One would have thought that we would put up shutters to the rest of world — like some other countries were doing — and ensured that the citizens of Paradise remained safe.

For some reason, we didn’t. That reason, is called a ‘general election’. It is a process by which we choose those who govern us — usually not by any particular criteria but by a process through which an assorted array thieves, bank robbers and drug dealers and general ignoramuses get chosen.

What you may not know, coronavirus, is that in this Paradise of ours, elections mean everything to many people. It determines how we live and die for the next five years. We just had one a few months ago but that chose only one person — we had all of two hundred and twenty-five more to elect!

Elections mean meetings and many people getting together. That would have been a fertile breeding ground for you to spread yourself. Somehow, our chaps who made decisions didn’t see it that way. Why would they, when a low-key election was a great opportunity to get a two-thirds majority?

So, even with your attacks staring us in the face we carried on as if nothing had changed. The Archbishop ordered church services cancelled but the pilgrimages to Adam’s Pak continued merrily because someone said our ancestors had been doing that for centuries, corona virus or not.

We held ‘big matches’. The big man attended his big match. The very next week he was complaining that the biggest ‘big match’ went ahead despite his objections. That made us wonder whether Sirisena is still in charge, instead of Nandasena, because of this ‘they don’t listen to me now’ excuse!

Asked about a ‘lockdown’ for Paradise, Nandasena got very annoyed, saying that even during the war when thousands were dying, there was no lockdown. I wonder why no one advised him that the way in which people died during the war and during the epidemic you have caused is very different!

Our fellows who returned from lands where you had run amok were allowed in, instead of forcing them in to quarantine from the airport like what they did for those returning from Wuhan. They are trying to find them now but that is like trying to close the stable door after the horse has bolted.

In other countries, you faced resistance from doctors who spoke out about the measures needed to stop you. Not in Paradise, though. Their trade union which used to speak on anything from trade deals to ambulances made only a whimper. Perhaps they didn’t want to upset the big man they backed.

It was our lady looking after our health, the ‘Devi’ who hugged the Chinese lady who let the cat out of the bag. Asked why elections were not being postponed when common sense told us that they should be, she simply smiled and said ‘because we will win’. At least, she gets full marks for honesty!

Finally, it took one man to have the courage to say ‘enough is enough’. Having watched all this unfold, perhaps he too was wondering whether it was still Sirisena in charge rather than Nandasena. He has now declared that there will be no election until you go away. That man is our ‘Maco’.

Most of last week was a holiday because of you, coronavirus, but when people got back to work on Friday, a curfew was suddenly announced and they had to rush home in cramped public transport — the best way to spread the infection. With friends like our decision makers, you don’t need enemies!

Now that the election has been postponed, everyone will demand that everything be in ‘lockdown’. Already, the doctors’ union have woken up from their slumber and are asking for drastic action. You, however, have nothing to be alarmed, coronavirus, you are well and truly amongst us now!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS- Last Easter, deadly bomb blasts devastated us because those in charge didn’t do their job properly. Hundreds died. Coronavirus, if there is a deadly Easter this year too because those in charge didn’t do their job properly because of an election we can only hope the death toll won’t be in the thousands!