5th Column

My dear Coronavirus,

I thought I must write to you to let you know that although you may have caused death and distress around the world, you have met your match in this great land of ours. There is good reason to believe that we have found the perfect solution for you -  and that your days in Paradise may be numbered.

It is true that you are still infecting our citizens and the number of people who are affected continue to rise, now amounting close to 2,000, but we have been told that we need not worry at all. Why, someone even suggested that being infected with the virus may be a qualification to join our Navy!

It is, however, the ‘cure’ for the disease you spread that I wish to write to you about. Like many other things in Paradise, it was also discovered accidentally and this happened last week. Unfortunately though, one of our politicians had to make the ultimate sacrifice, for this ‘cure’ to be discovered.

With the rest of the country still under a ‘curfew’ to prevent the spread of your deadly disease, one would expect the last rites of this gentleman to be undertaken with a minimum of fuss and only a few people. However, someone thought to challenge you and your disease and decided otherwise.

Therefore, even while there was a curfew, they allowed this gentleman’s funeral with full honours and full public participation. Some have been very critical of this, but I think it was a very cleverly designed experiment to test whether we should be so afraid of you, Coronavirus.

They even took this late gentleman’s remains to Parliament where everyone gathered with hardly a care for ‘social distancing’. Now, we have always been told that the elderly are among the most vulnerable to your disease – and, as we all know, Parliament is a place mostly inhabited by the elderly.

As if that was not enough, they then airlifted the gentleman’s remains to his hometown where thousands gathered, obviously defying you, so they could pay their last respects to their dear, departed leader – and no one said or did anything to discourage them, despite the curfew.

The leader’s remains were paraded through the streets of his hometown with his son leading the mourners. Now, you may think that is bizarre, especially during these times of ‘lockdowns’ and ‘curfews’ but there is no better way to encourage participation in this great experiment, is there?

Now, Coronavirus, if you are as deadly as some people think you are, the disease you cause should have been spreading like wildfire in that region by now. Of course, two weeks haven’t still gone by, so it is too early to tell and we haven’t had mass testing in that town and that will not happen either.

If there was something wrong with what was done, surely, the two gentleman the nation had learnt to trust, the much-loved Police Spokesman and the respected Director General of Health would have told us that mass funerals shouldn’t be undertaken during these uncertain times. They didn’t do so.

What we in Paradise have proved to you through this great experiment is that while you may cause hundreds of thousands of deaths in other parts of the world, you won’t be able to do so in Paradise if there is a politician involved. Our politicians are exempt from everything – even you, Coronavirus.

You may have infected Prince Charles and the Prime Minister of England but all our politicians – most of whom are past Prince Charles’s age – challenged you by ignoring all social distancing norms by gathering in Parliament to honour their late colleague – and you did not have any effect on them at all.

What we have just proved in this land of ours is also that there are two sets of rules in Paradise: one for ordinary citizens and another for politicians and those associating with them. It is curfews, social-distancing and fines for breaking the law for ordinary citizens and mass gatherings for politicians.

We in Paradise should be recognised for having found a ‘solution’ – if not a cure – for you, Coronavirus. What is remarkable is that it is not a vaccine and it is not even as expensive as a tablet: all one has to do is associate with a politician from Paradise and that will give immunity against the virus!

The rest of the country should be quarantined and under curfew because only those associating with politicians will have immunity. In coming weeks, we will see more of this because elections will be held soon. And, who knows, we might even win the Nobel prize for Medicine for this discovery!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: Speaking of Nobel prizes, Cheerio Sirisena deserves one too. He says he placed 21,000 signatures in three days to extradite the former big bank boss. That is almost five signatures every minute with no breaks to eat, drink or even go to the toilet. Shouldn’t that win him the Nobel prize for Literature?