5th Column

My dear Mahinda maama,

I am writing to you not only because I couldn’t write to you to wish you on your 75th birthday – because that was eclipsed by Gota maama’s first anniversary – but also because I couldn’t decide who I should write to about this issue of the ‘corona peniya’ that is generating so much interest now.

Besides, I didn’t want to burden Gota maama with this because he has so many matters to deal with such as prison riots, appointing judges by the dozen to the highest courts and re-opening the country to tourists, to name a few. Also, I am sure he will still listen to you if you advise him about an issue.

I did look around for ministers to write to about this ‘peni’ business – and some say that is exactly what it is, a business – but despite the numerous state ministers with very descriptive titles alongside their names, I couldn’t find a single state minister who has been entrusted to deal with this kind of issue.

There are state ministers in charge of betel, fertiliser, train compartments, electrical fences, prawn farming, rural paddy fields, rattan, onions and even eggs but there is no one appointed as the ‘peni emathi’ - so maybe you could suggest to Gota maama that time has come to appoint one!

As you know, Mahinda maama, the coronavirus has virtually shut down the world this year and there are many countries engaged in a race to find a vaccine against the virus. Some vaccines are already being used in Old Blighty after findings from research carried out on it appeared quite promising.

We, being poor citizens of Paradise, will be quite behind in the queue for the vaccine even when it is mass produced. When the vaccine becomes more available, it will still take a long time to reach our long-suffering people. Therefore, we do understand the need to do try and do something about it.

So, isn’t it great that this Dhammika chap from Kegalle has come up with this concoction which he says will prevent being infected with the coronavirus? Just imagine its potential and what fame and fortune it could bring to our country, if we marketed this to the rest of the world in the right way?

I know that there are medical experts who say that this has not been properly tested and we should all be cautious until more research is done, what with the coronavirus being a deadly disease. But why should we even be worried when you dear Health Minister Pavithra has already given the green light?

After all, being the brave lady that she is, she even volunteered to jump in to the Kalu Ganga if it saved all of us from the coronavirus. Then, she wanted to do more. So, she took a sip from the ‘corona peniya’ in front of the cameras, to convince all of us that it is not only safe, it is effective too.

I know Pavithra is not a doctor but a lawyer but I would trust her any day, in preference to any doctor. That is because, just the other day, she sacked five eminent doctors from the Medical Council and appointed five others with the stroke of a pen. Surely, that proves that she knows better than them?

Following that, this Dhammika chap gave the ‘other’ Mahinda, the one who speaks in the House, the ‘peniya’ and he too accepted it cheerfully. He is a month older than you are and he wouldn’t do so unless he believes in it. So, the message we are getting loud and clear is that this is safe and effective.

In America, three former President are getting immunised to convince the public to do the same. In Britain, they are announcing the Queen will get immunised- also to convince the public to follow suit. So, when Pavithra and Speaker Mahinda accept the ‘peni’ before the cameras, why should we worry?

I can’t understand why there was such a fuss when people gathered at Kegalle in their thousands to get their hands on the ‘peni’ and there were fears of a ‘peni pokura’ or a cluster associated with it. Surely, does it matter how close your gathering is, if you are getting a ‘peni’ that protects you?

So, Mahinda maama, you should take this over and ensure that everyone gets their dose of the ‘peni’. Then we can go about our daily lives normally. We can also sell this to the world, becoming the country that saved the world from corona. Now, that will get you at least a Nobel Prize, wouldn’t it?

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: Yes, everything could go horribly wrong, the ‘peni’ may not be effective, people could die and doctors can blame you. Even if that happens, Pavithra can always sack the new Medical Council and replace them with a few lackeys- and the GMOA doesn’t bark even as much as a lap dog now!