5th Column

My dear Gota maamey,

I though of writing to you this week because everyone was so worried about that ‘match’ that was played in Geneva, where the Human Rights chaps at the United Nations were trying to censure us for the way in which we won the war 12 years ago – and also for what is happening in Paradise now.

In the end, we lost the match because 22 countries voted against us while only half that number, 11 countries, stood with us. Some countries which we assumed will support us, such as India and even Japan, shied away from voting, suggesting that we have very few friends left now.

Still, I like the way your chap in charge of Foreign Affairs, Dinesh, looked at the outcome. He did the maths and calculated that, in the 47-member council less, 25 countries, more than half, either voted for us, or didn’t vote against us. Therefore, in his eyes at least, the resolution was defeated!

With such geniuses at your disposal, Gota maamey, you needn’t worry. Why, it is similar to saying that in the entire world, there are more people who haven’t been infected with the coronavirus than the number of infected people – so, we have ‘beaten’ the coronavirus and we shouldn’t worry about it!

Regardless of whether you call this UN resolution a ‘victory’ or ‘defeat’, we admire you for taking a stand against those who want to prosecute us for winning the war. It is obvious that most of those who supported the resolution against us were the same persons who supported the Tigers during the war.

During the ‘yahapaalanaya’ era, Cheerio Sirisena, the Green Man and Mangala bent over backwards to appease those who were demanding ‘independent’ inquiries. They may have thought that was the best way to deal with the UN but as we can all see now, that has only got us into more trouble.

However, I think even you will agree, Gota maamey, our team could have played the match more professionally. I am not sure whether sending the chap who wrote the book about ‘your’ war as our top man in Geneva was the best move. He may be a good author, but is he among our best diplomats?

Then, your Foreign Secretary who used to command our Navy was all at sea. He publicly declared that India will support us when our neighbour hadn’t said anything of that sort. He had to eat his own words when India chose not to vote. He maybe an officer and a gentleman but not a great diplomat!

Last but not least by any means, there is Sarath who oversees Public Security. After Mahinda maama put in so much effort persuading Imran to visit us and then convincing him to ask other Islamic countries to vote with us, Sarath chose that precise moment to upset the applecart.

Just days before the vote in Geneva, Sarath announced that the burqa will be banned and a thousand Islamic schools will be closed down. All the hard work by Mahinda maama and Imran went down the drain and some Islamic countries such as Bahrain and Indonesia abstained from voting.

Now, Sarath is backtracking furiously about what he said. We are being told that the ban on the ‘burqa’ is only a proposal at this stage and that not all Islamic schools will be closed. If that was indeed the case, why did he announce all this and try to be a hero, just before the vote in Geneva?

So, Gota maamey, although we may have lost this ‘match’ anyway, I think even you would agree that we could have played it more professionally. Maybe you should think again – at least for next year’s game – whether you should surround yourself with authors and military men instead of diplomats.

The big question now is, what does all this passing of resolutions against us mean, Gota maamey? They are talking about ‘collecting evidence for future action’ and about imposing sanctions on selected individuals. However, apart from getting some negative publicity, does it really matter?

For most people in Paradise, it wouldn’t make much of a difference, because we are at the receiving end of negative publicity anyway. You might, however, have to convince Basil malli to do what you did and renounce his American citizenship because he may not be able to return to his ‘other’ home!

Gota maamey, both for your sake and for the sake of our nation’s reputation, I hope you learnt some lessons from last week. Just like the ‘big matches’ between our schools, this ‘match’ will be played again next March and we should be able to at least do what our cricketers did and play for a draw!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: Dinesh’s theory about the vote at the Council can be used for your election too. At the last big election, of 16 million voters, only 6.9 million voted for you. The other 9.1 million either voted against you or didn’t vote at all. So, according to Dinesh’s calculation, you have lost the election!