5th Column

My dear Caroline and Pushpika,

I thought of writing to both of you because of the singular status you have brough to our little island, popularising its name even in faraway lands. In just a few seconds of interacting with each other, you have achieved a feat that would have otherwise cost millions of inflated rupees to our Tourist Board.

You must also be recognised for having brought a huge sense of relief to the citizens of Paradise. Here we were, worrying about bond scams, sugar scams, Easter attacks, the depletion of our forest cover, how safe coconut oil was, not to mention the coronavirus – until the two of you decided to take over.

For two years, we were debating why no action was taken against those responsible for the Easter attacks. For several weeks all we could talk about was a vote on human rights abuses in Geneva. You have changed all that. Now, what everyone is talking about is who our Mrs Sri Lanka should be!

Footage of what you did, Caroline, was on television screens and social media around the world within a matter of hours. You certainly put Sri Lanka on the map. This was probably the greatest exposure a lady of this land got since giving the world its first female Prime Minister 60 years ago.

I know many people are blaming you for this, Caroline, saying the way you behaved that day, trying to take the laws that governed the competition into your own hands was wrong but I won’t blame you. Instead, I think all that blame should go to someone else. He is none other than Cheerio Sirisena!

Cheerio Sirisena is being blamed for many issues, including the Easter attacks, and he is saying he is innocent because he was not told of anything beforehand. However, he is definitely to be blamed for what you did at the Mrs Sri Lanka contest last week because it was he who set the example for that.

I am sure, Caroline, you must have been motivated by Cheerio Sirisena’s actions a few years ago when he suddenly and forcibly stripped the Green Man of his Prime Ministerial crown and then went on to place it on Mahinda maama. Isn’t that what inspired you?

Of course, the judges of the highest court came down hard on Cheerio Sirisena saying what he did was unconstitutional. He had to return the crown to the Green Man. Similarly, Caroline, the organisers of the Mrs World contest have objected to what you did and they returned the crown to Pushpika.

The only difference is that after Pushpika complained that she was assaulted, Caroline, you were arrested and detained before being released on bail. On the contrary, Cheerio Sirisena still roams free without any consequences for his actions, making statements claiming his ignorance and innocence.

Pushpika, we saw and heard what happened that day. Most people, whatever their views on who was right and who was wrong and whether you were a legitimate contestant or not, feel that no one should have been humiliated in that way in front of a worldwide audience, no matter what their faults were.

Then we heard that you got yourself admitted to hospital with ‘head injuries’. Yet, the very next day, we saw you before the cameras again giving your side of the story, with all the poise of a beauty queen. That was a very remarkable recovery for someone with a ‘head injury’!

That is when we heard, Pushpika, that you had dabbled in politics, campaigning for the ‘pohottuwa’ in Polonnaruwa. There is nothing wrong with that. However, you should know that voters in Paradise are now once bitten, twice shy – it will be a long time before they trust someone from Polonnaruwa.

Certainly, you seem to have learnt the first lessons of engaging in politics in Paradise very well – and that is to get yourself admitted to a hospital as soon as something controversial happens. That is exactly what you did after suffering your ‘head injury’, when Caroline removed your crown.

Pushpika, you experienced great distress that day. Judging by how matters are being decided in Paradise these days, there was a much easier way to deal with this. You should have ensured that Mahinda Yapa was the judge of the contest because he always decides in favour of the ‘pohottuwa’!

Caroline and Pushpika, we are grateful to you for helping us get our priorities right. Instead of Covid-19, coconut oil or conservation, we now know what the most important issue is: who is the real Mrs Sri Lanka? Even Gota maama is happy because no one remembers whether ‘Sir’ has failed or not!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: Your fighting spirit has rubbed off on our parliamentarians too, Caroline and Pushpika. A day after your incident we saw the almost 80-year-old Chamal saying to Sarath, ‘come for a fight’. The last chap to say that to Sarath was Prabhakaran and we all know how that ended, don’t we?