Mastering the Emotional Cycle of Acceptance, Rejection and Disappointment
View(s):If you sort the desires of your heart carefully you will come to realise that seeking others acceptance tops the list. The root of attaining wealth, beauty, achievement, awards, fame and popularity is nothing more than being highlighted in order to gain acceptance. Dale Carnegie stated in one of his books that the need to be accepted by others is one of the greatest desires a human being has. Whilst you are craving for sweets if you are presented with a bitter meal, that is when disappointment arises. It is natural for a person who does not consume chocolate cake often to crave for it, as that is the nature of human beings. We grow a desire towards what we do not taste often.
Our five senses by default are pleasure oriented and discontent. Similarly, your mind seeks acceptance at all times and at all age categories. My grandmother used to constantly complain that she has a pain here and a pain there, out of urgency once we admit her to the hospital, the doctors diagnose that she is in perfect condition justified by analytical reports. Later, we found out that the hospital visits made by her children, especially my uncles, makes her happy and healthy. The doctors told us that it is a psychological condition that a person develops due to overly expecting acceptance and not receiving it as much as they desire. Even though we provided for her more than she ever dreamt of, all she wanted was for her children to visit her regularly, which never happened until her death.
Acceptance, Rejection and Disappointment is the most frequently travelled emotional journey of every human being. If one could develop an understanding of the raw reality of this cycle and adopt his view towards this cycle with a mature perspective, then that person will acquire the opportunity to avoid the most painful part of the cycle which is Disappointment. People who have experienced rejection in their past are greatly inclined to seek attention. As a youngster I remember myself doing many foolish deeds so that I could seek attention from others, later I realised that the reason I was craving attention was basically because it was rejection I had experienced mostly since childhood.
I thought that I would be accepted if I did things that my friends and the common society considered to be great. Little did I know that deep within me was a grave emptiness, a craving for love and acceptance. I did not realise that I was chasing after acceptance like a crazy dog. The more I sought for acceptance, the more I was disappointed as I did not possess what the world sought for in order to offer acceptance. I was living a life of great disappointment that pushed me towards anxiety and mental stress. Had I known that I should be seeking self acceptance for who I am, the outcome would never have been disappointing.
When you are hungry, and if you are a rice eater all you need is rice and curry, even though people offer you heaps of pickles it would not quench your hunger. Likewise, if you have missed the most desired acceptance such as your mother’s love or the love of your lover, your mind cannot settle for the love of your teacher, grandmother or your aunt. That is why I shout out loud to all the parents to love their children for who they are and not what the parents want them to be. You cannot pump diesel to a petrol vehicle. Similarly, we are made in such a way that we seek the pleasures and satisfactions that are sought by our flesh, soul and spirit according to the original manual of a human being.
If you have failed to understand what your flesh, soul and spirit demands, then you have lost half of the battle already. I have a very bad habit of getting up late at night and eating something, I am still struggling to overcome this bad habit. Just because you have been able to conquer large battles, it does not mean that you should place less importance on the smaller battles. Sometimes, the minor battles tend to take a stronghold within us, preventing us from reaching our fullest potential. This is the reason behind the profound statement that says a small fox can destroy a large vineyard.
Let us go back once again to analyse the vicious cycle of Acceptance, Rejection and Disappointment. Let us see how we could take mastership over this unavoidable and frequently journeyed emotional pattern. Out of the three elements of the cycle, there are two elements which are under our authority, namely acceptance and disappointment. Since disappointment is the outcome of rejection, whilst seeking acceptance we must understand that the most crucial element which needs to be handled carefully is seeking acceptance. One could either crave for acceptance or simply forgo seeking acceptance.
With the maturity gained throughout life I have come to an understanding that you could simply avoid disappointment once you forgo seeking acceptance. It was indeed a difficult task initially as my thought patterns were accustomed to acceptance. As the disappointments I experienced were so painful, I made a bold decision to starve and tame seeking acceptance. I was fed up of experiencing the continuous bitter pain of disappointment, thus I decided that the only way out is to love others without expectations.
As I mentioned earlier, it was initially tough because by default the first calling of my mind was seeking acceptance. The more I realised that I had a lot on my plate, I found it difficult to give priority to others. Similarly, others would also have a lot on their own plates, hence it is unfair to expect them to prioritise me.
Yesterday, I told my son Joshua that my wife and I are doing everything possible for him and his sister, yet we do not expect them to look after us in return. If they do so, it would be a privilege, but even if not, we will not be disappointed. If we expect a return for our love and they are unable to do so we will be purely disappointed. This is the most prudent and realistic approach we should acquire in life. The more we expect acceptance from others, the more we will be in a pit of disappointment which will fill us up with misery and tears.
Sometime ago a person known to me called and apologised for not paying back the money he borrowed from me. I told him that I got rid of the expectation of him returning the money, the moment I lent it to him. As a policy I avoid lending money beyond my capacity so that I can forget about it if they do not return it. Even if they do not return it, it is still alright as I have cultivated a good spirit of giving that is bound to come back to me in abundance.
Another bad practice we follow is that we set various levels of expectations on each and every person in our sphere, we estimate what they should do for us in return for what we have done to them. As you are well aware, people do not reach our expectations, we always end up sinking in a river of disappointment. If I am to give you an example of such an instance, think of a couple who have gone seriously wrong in their wedding event costing, they set expectations on gift values for each and every invitee, yet they have ended up not receiving even half of what they expected.
This is exactly what happens when you set expectations on people. If you can train yourself to live a life that seeks less acceptance, you are likely to end up with less disappointment. The wisest thought you can have is to set high levels of expectations on yourself, where the authority is under you.
Do not expect others to change according to your preferences, rather adopt yourself to accept them for who they are. Sometimes we tend to lose our temper with others and behave as though we are perfect and we do not have any flaws. A long time ago I used to bad rap an air hostess even without witnessing what she has done. After the discussion I felt so bad about myself and my conscience vehemently condemned me for judging the acts of an unseen person, while having such a black, bad and filthy past myself. I walked into the washroom and cried until I felt I was pardoned. Therefore, live a life of self analysis and self acceptance, that will make every day a beautiful day for you.
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