5th Column

My dear brand new Cabinet ministers,

I thought of writing to you because you are the latest lot of ministers entrusted with saving our nation from what is being called the worst ever disaster it has faced since Independence from the ‘suddas’ nearly 75 years ago. You must be a really special group of people with very special talents.

Please pardon me if I miss out on mentioning some of you by name. That is because it has been difficult to keep track of who is in charge of what, lately. With changes being made to the Cabinet every fortnight, that would be similar to remembering our daily power cut schedule for the week.

Dinesh, GL, Prasanna and Kanchana, you must be particularly thrilled. You have become the ‘kokatath thailaya’ or cure-for-all-ills, getting appointed over and over again. Apart from Dinesh, who gets top marks for loyalty if not anything else, it just goes to show how desperate Gota maama is now.

Prasanna, you have been made the ‘Whip’ because the old ‘Whip’, Johnny, is in deep trouble and how he remains out of remand custody baffles me. I must say your idea of providing compensation for MPs who had their houses damaged when most people can’t put food on the table was sheer genius!

Kanchana, you complained you were still losing one rupee for every litre of petrol sold. You must be relieved to hear that our long-suffering public have been so moved by your lament that in some areas they have a ‘Kanchana katey’ at petrol stations, where people donate a rupee for every litre they buy!

GL, I am not sure whether I should be proud of you or whether I should feel sorry for you. How does it feel to be the nominal head of the ‘pohottuwa’ and pretend you are the boss when all you are is a puppet dancing to Basil maama’s tune? It must take a toll on that lean and hungry frame of yours.

Nimal, I wonder whether you are happy or sad. There was a moment in this crisis when you were mentioned as a potential Prime Minister. This is not the first time this has happened. Still, the sky is the limit when you are in charge of ports, shipping and aviation, so why wouldn’t you betray the Blues?

Susil, the fiery speech you made in Parliament not so long ago after Gota maama sacked you following your remarks at the Delkanda fair is still ringing in our ears. That is a man of principle, we thought. Instead, Gota maama put you in charge of principals and you decided to put up and shut up.

Wijey, you are in the same boat. When you didn’t get the job you wanted from Gota maama, you told us you berated him in choice language. Now you hold the scales of Justice. How long will it be before your friends are made ‘nidos kota nidahas’ or acquitted of all charges? You can start with Shashi!

Keheliya, Health is an appropriate ministry for you because you fall off balconies and break your ankle, but Gota maama added Water Supply and Drainage later. You must be relieved it wasn’t ‘Electricity Supply’ instead because we heard that you had some problems with your electricity bill, didn’t you?

Tiran, you are there as Wimal and Udaya’s agent because they can’t be seen to be in the same Cabinet as Gota maama after what they said. Now, you may have brokered a deal with the Tigers so Mahinda maama could win the election, but here is a challenge for you: Can you arrest Deshabandhu?

Nalin, when we saw you on the list of new ministers, our first reaction was ‘Nalin who?’. Then we learnt you are one of Basil’s boy’s whose claim to fame was being charged, with Mahindananda, for embezzling millions while importing carrom boards. Well, I guess you are very qualified for the job!

Mahinda, I don’t think you felt any guilt betraying a man like Aiyo Sirisena. Why would you when he betrayed the ‘other Mahinda’ first and then betrayed the Green Man who got him the top job? As for you, Vidura, all we can say is that poor Ratnasiri must be turning in his grave, seeing your antics.

Harin and Manusha, we haven’t forgotten you. Harin, I am sure you didn’t wear a black ‘saatakaya’ for your first Cabinet meeting even though Ranjan is still in jail. We are just waiting for both of you to keep your promise to quit when the 21st Amendment is not introduced in the desired manner.

All of you have been given the task of saving our Paradise from economic ruin. We assume that you are the best available because Gota maama has chosen you – and we now know he makes the best decisions, don’t we? Well, best of luck, not for saving us but for lasting at least the next few weeks!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: The icing on the cake is Green Man as Finance Minister. His uncle JR, our first finance minister, became PM 30 years later. The nephew is now Finance Minister 30 years after first becoming PM. And what better man for the job, when it was under his watch that the Central Bank was robbed?