5th Column

My dear Gota maamey,

I have to write to you this week because you are back home, almost three months after the people said ‘Gota go home’ but you went overseas instead. At least now, this will reach you through our local post and I won’t have to spend big money on airmail to the Maldive Islands, Singapore or Thailand!

It must be good to finally be home, although you may prefer to return to Mirihana where it all began instead of being at Bauddhhaloka Mawatha. Isn’t it funny that the someone who never lived in an official residence when he was President has to do so now after leaving office, for security reasons?

Instead of sneaking out through the back door – as you did when you left hurriedly on the Ninth of July – you were able to return through the VIP entrance at Katunayake. Then, you were whisked away with security people surrounding you. You could be excused if you thought nothing had changed.

You must have been happy – and relieved – at the reception you had when you arrived at Katunayake. Instead of protestors shouting slogans, waving placards and burning effigies, the faithful slaves of the ‘R’ clan were there to meet you and greet you. The months of upheaval haven’t taught them anything!

I know people blame you for many things and say you lacked political maturity but your final political decision to appoint Uncle Ranil was a masterstroke. He may not be very happy at your return to Paradise, but it was his crucial decision that enabled you to return in this manner.

Gota maamey, as you spend your first few days back home and look around you, I won’t blame you if you feel that nothing has changed. We feel the same way. The only change is that you have been replaced by Uncle Ranil. Otherwise, everything else has remained the same.

Six months after the ‘aragalaya’ began and three months after it ended, it is as if it never happened. The Cabinet you appointed is still in office, with the exception of old GL who stormed off in a huff and formed his own political party with Dullas, trying to reinvent himself for the umpteenth time.

Why, just the other day, Uncle Ranil appointed a set of state ministers. If we didn’t know that you were not the boss, we would have certainly thought that it was a list that was prepared by you. In fact, even now, some people think Basil prepared the list and Uncle Ranil simply signed on the dotted line.

To begin with, there are 37 of them at a time when we, the people, are being told to tighten our belts and to hold on to our purse strings as the country has no money. Some say they won’t take their salaries but all the other expenses on offices, staff and vehicles will be lavishly spent on them.

You will be happy when you read that long list of state ministers, Gota maamey, because this is just the type of motely crowd that you would have put together. Some of them long-winded titles, just like the state ministers you appointed. The sheer quality of some of the others listed is mesmerising.

For example, Sanath Nishantha is entrusted with Water Supply, so he could clean up the Beira Lake for his supporters to take their next bath. Maybe Prasanna will develop chilli powder while in charge of Small and Medium Enterprises. Lohan and Pillayan are rewarded for their past achievements too.

I am also not sure whether, when typing the list, someone mistakenly hit ‘copy and paste’ twice. There are two state ministers each for Finance and Urban Development and Housing. We must also be a very educated nation because in addition to the minister, there are three state ministers of education!

Whoever prepared the list, they haven’t forgotten to include a few from the Blue party. So, Aiyo Sirisena can’t rejuvenate the Blues because his numbers are down to single digits. They haven’t been able to rope in anyone from the ‘telephone’ party though, other than the wayward Diana.

As if this was not enough, Uncle Ranil is also doing what many expected you to do: crackdown on those in the ‘aragalaya’. Under him it is a priority. If you wish, soon you will be able to find out who ate your slice of papaw, slept on your bed and wore your flag as a sarong, and confront them!

This is why we feel, Gota maamey, that the more things have changed since you left, the more they have stayed the same. We forgive and forget easily. Basil and Namal baby are out and about now, rebuilding the ‘R’ brand, hoping that, in two years, they could be well and truly in charge again!

There is even talk of you returning to Parliament as PM. Dinesh will be annoyed and Uncle Ranil won’t be impressed, but, as long as you can convince someone from the National List to resign for you, and as long as the ‘pohottuwa’ has a majority, there is nothing stopping you, Gota maamey!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: Beware, Gota maamey, this year the impossible has happened. We thought Uncle Ranil will never reach the top. He did, at the age of 73. We thought Charles will never be King. He did, also at 73. Many think the ‘aragalaya’ will not succeed, but it might, after 74 years!