26th March 2000

To Bill with love

I thought of writing you a little note because you are visiting our next door neighbours. Of course you are dropping by in India, Bangladesh and even in military-ruled Pakistan for a few hours but you are not coming to Colombo, but then who could blame you for that? After all, there are enough 'uncleared areas' in the road between Katunayake and Colombo and they could ambush you from one of those places!

In fact, Bill I think I should rather thank you for not coming. Even without you here, when Madam decides to take a walk-about, all the roads are closed for hours and we are left stranded on our roads and we dread to imagine what would have happened if you also around. Anyway Bill, now that you are nearing the end of your second term and getting ready to retire next year, everyone talks of you as one of the greatest US Presidents ever.

But have you ever thought about what it would be like to retire at fifty-five? It's rather early in life, isn't it? So, how about trying to stay there a little bit longer? You could always abolish the Executive Presidency after your two terms in office and then return to the British system and be Prime Minister- maybe for three more terms!

Think about it, will you? And if you need any advice on these matters I can suggest the name of a good Professor who makes everything possible!

Bill, we did hear all those nasty stories about that young lady who was working in your office and we all felt sorry for you. You know Bill, however advanced you Americans are, you really aren't as smart as us Asians when it comes to handling a crisis of this nature.

We also had a chap here who had a similar problem with someone he was working with and do you know what he did? He just packed her off to America! And the chap is still here, popular as ever, because he shoots his mouth off every now and then and restores our faith in democracy because he reminds us that you really don't have to be an intellectual to enter Parliament!

Of course Bill, if you had indeed come to Colombo you would have met your look-alike. I personally don't think he looks like you but the poor chap ran for election three months ago and everyone said he was trying to imitate you. The hair certainly had a similarity but there the resemblance ended because he lost the election!.

Anyway Bill, it's nice to know that despite all your talk of being the most democratic country in the world you are following the South Asian tradition of family politics. After all, Bush's son is running for President and Hillary is running for the seat in New York.

You know, there is nothing like keeping it in the family, so why don't you call that brother of yours and try to get him into the Republican camp? That might be a real bonus, even if the brother is not as efficient as you are and is a born loser!

Bill, I don't know whether you remember the Tigers? I'm talking of the two-legged kind about whom our friend Kadi told Madeleine and Madeleine told you and you banned them from operating in America.

I'm awfully sorry Bill, but we seem to have misled you. Just the other day we suddenly realised that we haven't banned them, or so our Generals said. In fact, we are now doing our best to get them to talk to us and if you want more details about that just ask the Norwegians!

So Bill, have a nice trip. Though you didn't come to Colombo, you didn't miss much, maybe a bomb or two. At most, you would have been kept waiting until the lady got her hairdo correct!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha.

PS-

Give my regards to Hillary, will you? But between you and me, Bill, don't let her go on and become President one day unless you want to be remembered in history merely as the husband of Hillary Clinton.

These ladies, they really go out of control when they get to the top and they always outdo their husbands when they get there. Believe me, we in Paradise Island know that from experience- twice over!

The Jungle Telegraph

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