16th April 2000

'Fixed' for life

I was shocked and surprised to hear about the events that occurred last week. To hear that you, of all people took money from bookies to tell them about cricket matches was unbelievable but now that appears to be true.

But to begin with, Hansie I must say the whole incident was very confusing. When the Indian police first made their accusations it seemed that the entire international media was on your side. They just refused to believe the allegations and even suggested that the tapes the Indian police said they had, were fakes.

And then, there you were appearing at a press conference and putting on a very grieved look saying that you were 'hurt' by all this talk and that you did not accept any money from anyone at anytime. Needless to say, we were all fooled and everyone rushed to put the blame again on the Indian police.

Then, hardly a day later you say that you have been 'dishonest' and your country mercifully strips you of the captaincy. Of course you confuse the issue again by saying you never really 'fixed' matches but only gave information to bookies in return for money. Come to think of it, Hansie, that was the same offence that Mark and Shane from Australia were found guilty of some time ago

But they were let off with lesser penalties by the Aussies!. What strikes me as odd in this whole episode, Hansie is the way the rest of the world sees this issue. When Mark, Shane or you are accused of match fixing, the media doesn't want to believe it. How can that be, they ask.

But the moment Wasim or some other Pakistani or Indian is accused of match fixing, the media have already found them guilty and want maximum penalties imposed. It's a curious kind of apartheid, isn't it?

Anyway, Hansie, you should never have accepted that you did something wrong. You could always say that the tapes were doctored. You could challenge them to produce a certificate saying you took bribes.

Believe me, the best way out when you get caught being 'dishonest' is to continue to lie through your teeth, produce a charming smile and act as if you have been hurt by a vicious propaganda campaign. It works, Hansie, we in Paradise Island know from experience that this strategy never fails- not only for cricket captains but even for more important people!

Of course, you were not shrewd enough to begin with. The moment you became cricket captain, you should have taken the precaution of having all your brothers placed in important positions in your cricket board. That way you wield enormous influence and no one dares to challenge you- perhaps except Mandela's uncle!

Anyway, Hansie, take heart. Maybe you could file a fundamental rights case saying that Mark and Shane committed the same offence but were treated differently. I am sure we can find a lawyer here to defend you- these days they depend on cricket-related cases for their livelihood!

Or else, who knows, they might appoint you as the Minister of Sports, Hansie. We find that it is the position best suited for people who open their mouth and demonstrate how foolish they are. And they also happen to be the best people to 'fix' results in important matches-so you still have a chance!

Of course, Hansie, we in Paradise are used to things being 'fixed' for us. Our election dates are 'fixed' by astrologers, the outcome of the election is 'fixed' by other people, our peace talks are 'fixed' by the Norwegians, gas and telephone charges are 'fixed' by foreign companies, our wages are 'fixed' forever by the government, and recently there was an inquiry to see whether the war too was 'fixed' and whether generals were paid by the greens to lose.

But above all, Prabhakaran 'fixes' a few bombs every now and then to remind us who really is in charge!

So, Hansie, you need not worry. If you cannot find a job in South Africa because of all these 'fixing' charges, come over here. I'm sure we can 'fix' something for you!

Yours Truly,

Punchi Putha.

PS- Come to think of it, Hansie, we haven't still accused our opposition leader of 'fixing' the election he lost, but with all these allegations of 'match fixing' and judging from his performance I won't be surprised if someone said that too!

Rajpal Abeynayake's Column

Editorial/ Opinion Contents